| נשלח ב-4/7/2003 16:27 |
 |
| |
Anectdotes
| IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10
| cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8
| cubicle.
|
| IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get
| a break for one meal and you pay for it.
|
| IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK...you
| get more work for good behaviour.
|
| IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
| AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all
| the doors for yourself.
|
| IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get
| fired for watching TV and playing games.
|
| IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to
| share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
|
| IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT
| WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
|
| IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no
| work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go
| to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
| prisoners.
|
| IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
| get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get
| out and go inside bars.
|
| IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT
| WORK...they are called managers.
 |
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-4/7/2003 16:29 |
|
| |
These terms have been updated to fit today's times:
|
| CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
|
| CFO: corporate fraud officer.
|
| BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing
| an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
|
| BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids
| get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery
| and the husband gets no sex.
|
| VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
|
| P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
| as the market keeps crashing.
|
| BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
|
| STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell
|
| STOCK ANALYST! -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
|
| STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
| assets equally between themselves.
|
| MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
|
| CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears
| down the toilet.
|
| INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now
| locked up in a nuthouse.
|
| MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
|
| VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
|
| "BUY, BUY" - A flight attendant making market recommendations
| as you step off the plane.
|
| FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet
| when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
|
| YAHOO - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor
| sucker for $240 per share.
|
| WINDOWS 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker
| that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
|
| INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now
| locked up in a nut house.
|
| PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
|
| PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to G-d.
|
| BILL GATES - Where G-d goes for a loan.
|
| ALAN GREENSPAN - G-d.
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-4/7/2003 16:33 |
|
| |
> COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE
>
> Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the
> next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of
> all things, an Italian.
>
> Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
> schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of
> French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
> NOT led by a Frenchman."
>
> Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only
> country to ever lose two wars -- when fighting Italians.
>
> Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
>
> Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant,
> but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis
> that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
>
> War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flower
> pots as chapeaux.
>
> The Dutch War - Tied.
>
> War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian
> War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces
> deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the
> height of French military power.
>
> War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the
> French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have
> loved ever since.
>
> American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar
> to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
> colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
> Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare;
> "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
>
> French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent
> was also French.
>
> The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
> First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being
> no match for a British footwear designer.
>
> The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of
> drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
>
> World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by
> the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's
> like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call
> her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American
> forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
>
> World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United
> States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel
> Song.
>
> War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to
> bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
>
> Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a
> western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades,
> and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always
> beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of
> the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish and
> Vietnamese.
>
> War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
> surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
> surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in
> a McDonald's.
>
> ==============================
>
> Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a Frenchman?
> A: A puppy has a mind of its own.
>
> * Heard about the new French-Chinese wine? One hour
> later and you're whining about America again.
>
> Q: Why are so many French born by C-section?
> A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?
>
> Q: Why do the French have huge heads?
> A: To accommodate their huge mouths.
>
> Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a
> kitchen in France?
> A: Linoleum blownapart...Oh No! Ze joke iz too, how you
> say? Violent. We protest!
>
> Q: What do French mobsters fear more than anything else?
> A: The quiche of death.
>
> Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
> A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
>
> Q: How may gears does a French tank have?
> A: 6, five reverse gears and 1 forward gear in case
> someone attacks them from behind.
>
> FOR SALE:
> French Army rifle -- Never fired, only dropped once.
>
> France is implementing a new national flag
> - white cross on a white background.
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-4/7/2003 16:36 |
|
| |
| "U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan said he thinks the arms inspectors
should
| resume looking for weapons in Iraq. Hey, forget arms in Iraq, how about
looking
| for some backbone in the U.N.?" ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours,
and
| the bad news is Iraq is ours." ג€''David Letterman
|
| "Did you see the Iraqi people tear down that statue of Saddam? Hard to
believe
| he won 100 percent of the vote in the last election. Voters are so fickle,
| arenג€™t they? One day they love you, the next day, oh boy." ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "Al-Jazeera is claiming we shot two of their reporters on purpose. Oh,
shut up.
| If we were shooting journalists on purpose, you think Peter Arnett and
Geraldo
| would still be around?" ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "Did you see the looters on TV? Youג€™ll notice thereג€™s something universal
| about the human looting impulse; itג€™s the same all over the world ג€'' they
go
| for the couches and the television sets first. And thatג€™s the first step
| toward winning their hearts and minds. You give a man a couch to sit in
and a
| TV to watch, and heג€™ll be indoctrinated in the American way of life. Throw
in
| a case of beer, youג€™ve got Homer Simpson." ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts
of
| him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western
| Baghdad." ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You
know,
| that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in
five
| to ten years." ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong
and
| independent nation that will one day hate the United States." ג€''David
| Letterman
|
| "Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference
| today. ... However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well."
| ג€''David Letterman
|
| "Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing
something
| that big in a beret go down." ג€''Craig Kilborn
|
| "We now have all of Saddam's palaces and residences; he has no place to
live.
| If Saddam thinks Bush was hard on him before, wait until he sees how
| Republicans treat the homeless." ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "The military said we'll be able to confirm Saddam is dead with DNA
testing.
| Apparently we have a sample of his DNA. So Monica Lewinsky is working for
the
| CIA?" ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of
him on
| TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with
Dick
| Cheney." ג€''David Letterman
|
| "Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their
name to
| the Democratic Guard." ג€''David Letterman
|
| "Tonight again, Baghdad is without power and this has the Iraqi military
very
| worried. They say without TV and phone service, how are they going to get
the
| enemy position from Geraldo?" ג€''Bill Maher
|
| "Here's what I did this morning. I get out of my bed and I do my Iraqi
elite
| Republican Guard exercises. Here's what you do: you put your hands over
your
| head and keep them there." ג€''David Letterman
|
| "It's been reported that the Pentagon is trying to kick Geraldo Rivera out
of
| Iraq because he revealed sensitive military information. Yeah, if Geraldo
is
| kicked out this means that Saddam Hussein will once again be the most
hated man
| in Iraq." ג€''Conan O'Brien
|
| "President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's
about
| winning. Hey, it worked in Florida." ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "Ratings at the cable news networks have shot through the roofs. ...
Executives
| at MSNBC are thrilled and said 'It's been years since both of our viewers
tuned
| in.'" ג€''Conan O'Brien
|
| "There's now talk that the United States wants to spray the poppy fields
of
| Afghanistan in an effort to destroy the drug crop before it can be
harvested.
| If you thought Bush was unpopular in Hollywood before." ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the
doctors
| did tell him it would several months before he could be sexually active
again.
| All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe
Lieberman
| called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers.
| Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was
lonely."
| ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "The federal government said today if you're caught outside near the
explosion
| of a radioactive bomb, do not panic. Lie down on the ground and cover your
head
| and if you can stay in this position for 14.2 million years, you'll be
fine."
| ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "If Lieberman wins, he won't be the first Jewish-American to hold the
| presidency in his hands. That was Monica Lewinksy." ג€''Jay Leno
|
| "They say the guy on the Joe Millionaire show is only worth $19,000. Well,
| that's not true. With the new Bush tax cut he's actually worth $19,400."
''David Letterman
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-4/7/2003 16:41 |
|
| |
From: melody kaye
Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two.
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7.To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finallymeet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-4/7/2003 16:50 |
|
| |
| > According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
| > kids in the 40's and 50's probably shouldn't have survived,
| > because...
| >
| > Our cribs were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint,
| > which was promptly chewed and licked.
| >
| > We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors
| > or cabinets and it was fine to play with the pots and pans and bowls
| > and tupperware.
| >
| > When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
| > fluorescent 'clackers' or a playing card with a clothespin on our
wheels.
| >
| > As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
| > Riding in the passenger seat was a treat or laying in a sleeping bag in
a
| > station wagon while travelling was the cat's meow. If your parents were
| > lucky enough to have a camper it was also fun playing Barbie's on the
bunk
| > and
| > waving at oncoming cars while travelling. In the summer our dads put a
| > single mattress in the back seat and we'd pop popcorn to take to the
| > drive-in, and then fall asleep before the last movie had finished...
| > (Usually
| > something for the kids first, then an adult flick.)
| >
| > We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - it
| > tasted the same. We also stopped at the neighbour's hose when we were
| > thirsty,
| > because we knew nobody minded, and all of our parents were happy we
drank
| > water
| > outside so we didn't track sand through the house. We ate apples off
| > trees,
| > as well as cherries and peaches because everyone knew there were too
many
| > for us to use and soon they would fall to the ground.
| >
| > We ate sandwiches dripping with butter, as well as pudding and drank
| > fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we
were
| > always outside playing. It was a treat to make homemade rootbeer
because
| > you
| > got to drink it out of a beer bottle and no one thought this would
corrupt
| > us.
| >
| > We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no
| > one actually died from this.
| >
| > We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went
| > top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
| > After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve
the
| > problem. We
| > also built forts near fast running streams and no one ever drowned. We
got
| > woodticks and poison ivy and no one ever stopped us from playing
outdoors.
| >
| > We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
| > back
| > before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one
minded.
| > No one
| > wore a watch... When the streetlight came on we all knew that we had to
go
| > home.
| >
| > We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
| > channels
| > on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no
| > personal
| > computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and
| > found
| > them. Watching Walt Disney on Sunday was a family event, as was Hockey
| > night
| > in Canada and homemade hamburgers served on homebaked bread.
| >
| > Everyone knew the "Waltons"...
| >
| > We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really
| > hurt.
| > We played kick the can and our moms brought us Kool-Aid when we were
| > really lucky.
| >
| > We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were
no
| > lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
| >
| > We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we
learned
| > to get over it.
| >
| > We walked to friend's homes, or rode our bikes which we saved up for
| > from mowing lawns or paper route money or babysitting... we knew that
| > anyone who didn't have a bike was lazy.
| >
| > We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
| > although
| > we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes poked out,
| nor
| > did the live stuff live inside us forever. We swallowed bubble gum
| because
| > we
| > were told not to spit it on the street. We called our parents' friends
by
| > their
| > last names... Mr. or Mrs.
| >
| > We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
| >
| > Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
| >
| > The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
| > They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! We knew if we
misbehaved
| > in school we'd get the strap and then our parents would punish us at
| home.
| >
| > There were always Saturday morning chores to be done, with no allowance
| > attached...
| > If you lived in the house and ate you were expected to help out. You
| were
| > expected to watch your younger siblings for your mother...
| > Babysitting only counted when it was someone else's child.
| >
| > This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
| > solvers
| > and inventors, ever. The past 50 some years have been an explosion of
| > innovation and
| > new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we
| > learned
| > how to deal with it all.
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-25/7/2003 06:33 |
|
| |
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
>
>
>
> They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving
>
> for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They
> pulled
>
> into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
> door if they
>
> could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there
> and I
>
> have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
> explained. "I'm
>
> afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
>
>
>
> "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
>
>
>
> And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady
>
> agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
> for
the
>
> night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on
> their
way.
>
> They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
>
>
>
> About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
>
> attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
> finally
>
> determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow
> he
had
>
> met on the ski weekend.
>
>
>
> He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember
>
> that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
> holiday
>
> up North?"
>
>
>
> "Yes, I do." said Bob
>
>
>
> "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
>
> house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed
about
>
> being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
>
>
>
> "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
> name?"
>
>
>
> Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid
> I
>
> did."
>
>
>
>
>
> "Why do you ask?"
>
> "She just died and left me everything."
>
>
>
>
>
>
> (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-24/8/2003 12:49 |
|
| |
A convicted bank robber on parole robbed a California Savings and Loan Branch. The bank robber placed the money roll containing the hidden Security Pac in his front pants pocket. The Security Pac released tear gas and red dye resulting in second and third degree burns requiring treatment at a hospital. The bank robber sued the bank, the Security Pac manufacturer, the city the police and the hospital. (Source: ATRA: Candelario v. City of Oakland, No. 628960-3 Cal. App. Dep't Super. Ct. 1987)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A writer was sued for $60 million dollars after writing a book about a convicted Orange County serial killer. Although the inmate is on death row, he claimed that he was innocent in all 16 murders, so the characterization of him as a serial killer was false, misleading and "defamed his good name". In addition, he claimed those falsehoods would cause him to be "shunned by society and unable to find decent employment" once he returned to private life. The case was thrown out in a record 46 seconds, but only after $30,000 in legal fees were incurred by the writer's publisher. (Source: CALA)
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A minister and his wife sued a guide-dog school for $160,000 after a blind man learning to use a seeing-eye dog trod on the woman's toes in a shopping mall. Southeastern Guide Dogs Inc., a 13-year old guide-dog school and the only one of its kind in the Southeast, raises and trains seeing-eye dogs at no cost to the visually impaired. The school is located about 35 miles south of Tampa. The lawsuit was brought by Carolyn Christian and her husband, the Rev. William Christian. Each sought $80,000. The couple filed suit 13 months after Ms Christian's toe was stepped on and reportedly broken by a blind man who was learning to use his new guide dog, Freddy, under the supervision of an instructor. They were practicing at a shopping mall. According to witnesses, Ms Christian made no effort to get out of the blind man's way because she "wanted to see if the dog would walk around me". (Source: ATRA and Houston Chronicle, 95-10-27)
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A woman was treated by a psychiatrist from March to November 1986, became romantically involved with him, and subsequently married him in October of 1989. After more than five years of marriage they divorced in 1995, at which time the woman sued her ex-husband for psychiatric malpractice and negligence claiming that the romantic or sexual relationship between them started before the formal psychiatric treatment ended. She contended that her ex-husband had breached the standard of care as a psychiatrist by becoming romantically involved with her, and sought general, special and punitive damages. (Source: CALA)
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A woman in Israel is suing a TV station and its weatherman for $1,000 after he predicted a sunny day and it rained. The woman claims the forecast caused her to leave home lightly dressed. As a result, she caught the flu, missed 4 days of work, spent $38 on medication and suffered stress. (Source: CALA)
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A Los Angeles attorney sued another attorney who had hung a cardboard tombstone in his office that read, "R.I.P./Jerry Garcia (a few too many parties perhaps?)." The plaintiff lawyer, a Garcia groupie, alleged this joke caused him "humiliation, mental anguish, and emotional and physical distress" after seeing the sign. He further added that he had suffered injury to his mind and body (specifics were not listed in the suit). (Source: CALA)
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A woman was playing golf and hit a shot which ricocheted off railroad tracks that run through the course. The ball hit her in the nose and she won $40,000 because the golf course had a "free lift" rule (this allows golfers to toss balls which land near the rails to the other side). The woman alleged that because the course allowed a free lift, they were, in effect, acknowledging the rails to be a hazard. (Source: CALA)
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A surfer recently sued another surfer for "taking his wave." The case was ultimately dismissed because they were unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by watching someone ride the wave that was "intended for you." (Source: CALA)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went into a Northridge discount department store to buy a blender. She decided to take the bottom box from a stack of four blenders from an upper shelf used to store extra stock. When she pulled out the bottom box, the rest of the boxes fell. She sued the store for not warning customers from taking stock from the upper shelf and for stacking the boxes so high. She claimed to sustain carpal tunnel syndrome and neck, shoulder and back pain. (Source: CALA)
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A college student in Idaho decided to "moon" someone from his 4th story dorm room window. He lost his balance, fell out of his window, and injured himself in the fall. Now the student expects the University to take the fall; he is suing them for "not warning him of the dangers of living on the 4th floor". (Source: CALA)
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A jury awarded $178,000 in damages to a woman who sued her former fiance for breaking their seven-week engagement. The breakdown: $93,000 for pain & suffering; $60,000 for loss of income from her legal practice, and $25,000 for psychiatric counseling expenses. (Source: CALA)
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A woman driving a car collided with a man who was riding a snowmobile. The man died at the scene. Since his snowmobile had suddenly cut in front of her, police said she was free of blame. She sued the man's widow for the psychological injuries she suffered from watching the man die. (Source: CALA)
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While climbing a mountain, a young man slipped and fell 90 feet and sustained injuries. The mountain rescue unit, which has saved hundreds of lives over the past 30 years, worked with a physician and a paramedic to mount a difficult nighttime helicopter rescue. The rescuers probably saved the man's life...but he turned around and slapped then with a $12 million lawsuit. (Source: AVALA)
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A woman cut her hand while using a knife to separate frozen hors d'oeuvres that she bought at a supermarket. She sued the supermarket, and the manufacturer and packager of the frozen food item. (Source: AVALA)
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A woman dropped some burglar bars on her foot. She claimed that her neighbor, who was helping her carry the bars, had caused the accident. The neighbor's insurance company offered to settle the dispute by paying her medical bills, but she refused. She wanted more and sued for damages, including "pain and suffering." The jury took only 17 minutes to unanimously decide that the woman was fully responsible for her own injuries. The innocent neighbor had to pay $4,700 in defense costs. The two are no longer friends. (Source: AVALA)
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A bank discovered that millions of dollars deposited in an account were in fact embezzled funds. The bank transferred the funds back to the lawful owner and got sued! The embezzler's alleged accomplice filed a lawsuit against the bank for returning the money, and asked for $20 million in damages. The bank won in court, but only after spending over $20,000 in legal fees. (Source: AVALA)
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A man joined a group to learn, among other things, to fly through self-levitation. Unsatisfied with the results, he claimed psychological and physical damages and sued the group for $9 million. (Source: AVALA)
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A man was invited to his parents' house to celebrate the Fourth of July. He became intoxicated. And when one of the firework she brought with him to the party did not ignite, he went over to inspect it, and it exploded in his face. He sued his parents, the co-worker who sold him the fireworks, and his employer. (Source: AVALA)
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A drunk driver was speeding, careened passed detour signs and crashed. He sued the engineering firm that designed the road, the contractor, four subcontractors and state highway department property which owned both sides of the road. Five years later, all of the defendants settled for $35,000. The engineering firm was swamped with over $200,000 in legal costs. (Source: ATRA)
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A man sued Anheuser-Busch for $10,000 for false advertising. He claimed that he suffered physical and mental injury and emotional distress from the implicit promises in the advertisements. When he drank the beverage, success with women did not come true for him plus, he got sick. The Michigan Court of Appeals affirmed a lower-court decision dismissing the case. (Source: ATRA)
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Inmates at a county jail sued for cruel and unusual living conditions: bunk beds, cells lacking a sink and toilet, and no way to exercise in the winter. These criminals were awarded $2 million dollars, paid by the taxpayers of Massachusetts. Each inmate who was a party to the suit got $10 tax-free, for each day he was jailed. Their award included damages plus 12% interest from the time the case was settled until the time they collected their windfall. (Source: ATRA)
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A San Diego man filed a $5.4 million lawsuit in March against the city of San Diego for the "emotional trauma" he suffered at an Elton John-Billy Joel concert, held at a municipal stadium. Bob Glaser said he was "extremely upset" at the sight of a woman in front of him using a urinal. In the suit, he claimed his rights to privacy were violated when he tried to use the restroom ''in front of women in the men's bathroom''. The women used the men's facilities because of long lines outside their restrooms. (Source: ATRA and SAALA)
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A New York appeals court rejected a woman's lawsuit against the company that makes the device called "The Clapper", which activates selected appliances on the sound of a clap. She claimed she hurt her hands because she had to clap too hard in order to turn her appliances on: "I couldn't peel potatoes (when my hands hurt). I never ate so many baked potatoes in my life. I was in pain." However, the judge said she had merely failed to adjust the sensitivity controls. (Source: ATRA and SAALA)
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John Carter, a New Jersey man sued McDonald's for injuries he sustained in an auto accident with one of their customers. He claimed that the customer who hit him did so after spilling the contents of his chocolate shake (which he purchased from McDonald's) onto his lap while reaching over for his fries. He alleged that McDonald's sold their customer food knowing he would consume it while driving and without announcing or affixing a warning to the effect "don't eat and drive." The court concluded that McDonald's had no duty to warn customers of obvious things which they should expect to know, but refused McDonald's request for attorney's fees stating that the plaintiff's attorney was "creative, imaginative and he shouldn't be penalized for that." This case was in the court system for three years, underwent appellate court review and cost McDonald's over $10,000. (Source: ATRA and SAALA)
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Ron Goldman was on his way home from his restaurant job on June 12, 1994, when he stopped at the home of Nicole Simpson to return a pair of glasses she had left there. Attorney Nick O'Malley has recently filed a worker's compensation claim on behalf of the O. J. Simpson murder victim, using an obscure legal principle that allows private citizens to take legal action on behalf of the state. Because Goldman had no fund for injured workers; O'Malley could keep up to 15 percent of the money. Goldman's father, dismissed the claim as a "scam," while the family's attorney, called it "one of the most despicable things I've seen." (Source: CNN News)
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| נשלח ב-5/9/2003 00:30 |
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כומר פוגש את ידידו הרב.
אומר הכומר לרב – "הרבה דברים לימדת אותי אבל דבר אחד אני רוצה ללמוד ואתה לא מוכן – אני רוצה שתלמד אותי גמרא".
אומר לו הרב – "אתה גוי ויש לך ראש של גוי, אין סיכוי שתצליח להבין גמרא".
הפציר הכומר ברב עד שהסכים.
אמר לו הרב –
"אני מסכים ללמד אותך גמרא בתנאי שתענה לי על שאלה אחת".
"טוב" משיב הכומר – "מה השאלה?"
שואל אותו הרב – "שני אנשים נופלים דרך ארובה, אחד יוצא מלוכלך ואחד יוצא נקי, מי מבין שניהם ילך להתרחץ?"
"פשוט מאוד" עונה הכומר – "המלוכלך יתרחץ והנקי לא".
"אמרתי לך שלא תצליח להבין" אומר לו הרב - "בדיוק להיפך – הנקי מסתכל על המלוכלך, חושב שגם הוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך לעומת זאת, מסתכל על הנקי, חושב שגם הוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ".
"על זה לא חשבתי" מסכים הכומר – "שאל אותי עוד שאלה".
"טוב" אומר הרב – " שני אנשים נופלים דרך ארובה, אחד יוצא מלוכלך ואחד יוצא נקי, מי מבין שניהם ילך להתרחץ?"
"פשוט מאוד" עונה הכומר בבטחון – "הנקי מסתכל על המלוכלך, חושב שגם הוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך לעומת זאת מסתכל על הנקי חושב שגם הוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ".
"שוב טעית" אומר לו הרב - "אמרתי! לך שלא תצליח להבין , הנקי מסתכל במראה, רואה שהוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך מסת! כל במראה רואה שהוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ"
"אבל לא אמרת שיש שם מראה" - מתלונן הכומר.
"זה מה שאמרתי לך" עונה הרב – "זה הראש שלך – אתה גוי ולא תצליח להבין – לפי הגמרא צריך לחשוב על כל ההיכי תמצי האפשריים – צריך לחשוב על כל האפשרויות".
"טוב" נאנח הכומר – "בא ננסה שוב, שאל אותי עוד שאלה".
"פעם אחרונה" אומר הרב - " שני אנשים נופלים דרך ארובה, אחד יוצא מלוכלך ואחד יוצא נקי, מי מבין שניהם ילך להתרחץ?"
"זה נורא פשוט" מחייך הכומר – "אם אין שם מראה – הנקי מסתכל על המלוכלך, חושב שגם הוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך לעומת זאת מסתכל על הנקי חושב שגם הוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ.
אם יש שם מראה - הנקי מסתכל במראה , רואה שהוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך מסתכל במראה רואה שהוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ".
אומר לו הרב – "אמרתי לך שלא תצליח להבין – אתה גוי ויש לך ראש של גוי - תסביר לי איך יכול להיות ששני אנשים יפלו דרך ארובה - אחד יצא מלוכלך והשני יצא נקי?"
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| נשלח ב-5/9/2003 00:39 |
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כומר פוגש את ידידו הרב.
אומר הכומר לרב – "הרבה דברים לימדת אותי אבל דבר אחד אני רוצה ללמוד ואתה לא מוכן – אני רוצה שתלמד אותי גמרא".
אומר לו הרב – "אתה גוי ויש לך ראש של גוי, אין סיכוי שתצליח להבין גמרא".
הפציר הכומר ברב עד שהסכים.
אמר לו הרב –
"אני מסכים ללמד אותך גמרא בתנאי שתענה לי על שאלה אחת".
"טוב" משיב הכומר – "מה השאלה?"
שואל אותו הרב – "שני אנשים נופלים דרך ארובה, אחד יוצא מלוכלך ואחד יוצא נקי, מי מבין שניהם ילך להתרחץ?"
"פשוט מאוד" עונה הכומר – "המלוכלך יתרחץ והנקי לא".
"אמרתי לך שלא תצליח להבין" אומר לו הרב - "בדיוק להיפך – הנקי מסתכל על המלוכלך, חושב שגם הוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך לעומת זאת, מסתכל על הנקי, חושב שגם הוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ".
"על זה לא חשבתי" מסכים הכומר – "שאל אותי עוד שאלה".
"טוב" אומר הרב – " שני אנשים נופלים דרך ארובה, אחד יוצא מלוכלך ואחד יוצא נקי, מי מבין שניהם ילך להתרחץ?"
"פשוט מאוד" עונה הכומר בבטחון – "הנקי מסתכל על המלוכלך, חושב שגם הוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך לעומת זאת מסתכל על הנקי חושב שגם הוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ".
"שוב טעית" אומר לו הרב - "אמרתי! לך שלא תצליח להבין , הנקי מסתכל במראה, רואה שהוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך מסת! כל במראה רואה שהוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ"
"אבל לא אמרת שיש שם מראה" - מתלונן הכומר.
"זה מה שאמרתי לך" עונה הרב – "זה הראש שלך – אתה גוי ולא תצליח להבין – לפי הגמרא צריך לחשוב על כל ההיכי תמצי האפשריים – צריך לחשוב על כל האפשרויות".
"טוב" נאנח הכומר – "בא ננסה שוב, שאל אותי עוד שאלה".
"פעם אחרונה" אומר הרב - " שני אנשים נופלים דרך ארובה, אחד יוצא מלוכלך ואחד יוצא נקי, מי מבין שניהם ילך להתרחץ?"
"זה נורא פשוט" מחייך הכומר – "אם אין שם מראה – הנקי מסתכל על המלוכלך, חושב שגם הוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך לעומת זאת מסתכל על הנקי חושב שגם הוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ.
אם יש שם מראה - הנקי מסתכל במראה , רואה שהוא נקי ולא הולך להתרחץ, המלוכלך מסתכל במראה רואה שהוא מלוכלך והולך להתרחץ".
אומר לו הרב – "אמרתי לך שלא תצליח להבין – אתה גוי ויש לך ראש של גוי - תסביר לי איך יכול להיות ששני אנשים יפלו דרך ארובה - אחד יצא מלוכלך והשני יצא נקי?"
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| נשלח ב-22/9/2003 15:32 |
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|Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
| waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist
| and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you
| can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey
| lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
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| נשלח ב-19/10/2003 16:11 |
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The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body door.
Hence, the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained
it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the
roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. That posed
a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could
really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying "dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter
when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you
opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always
hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the
pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat
the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It
was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon. "They would cut
off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the
road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out
on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom
of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a
string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up
through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell;
thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth...
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| נשלח ב-19/10/2003 16:13 |
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Something to think about...
An english professor wrote the words
"a woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked
his students to punctuate it correctly.
all of the males in the class wrote,
"a woman, without her man, is nothing."
all the females in the class wrote,
"a woman: without her, man is nothing."
Hearing so many people speaking ill about his intelligence level,
George double you Bush decided to get his brain checked.
The physician diagnosis was as follows:
Mr. President, you have two brains,
the left and the right, like all normal people.
But the problem is that in your left brain
there is nothing right
and in your right brain
there is nothing left.
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| נשלח ב-24/10/2003 04:39 |
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An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. ''Your estate is very complex,'' said the lawyer, ''but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.''
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said ''$500,'' the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. ''Oh well,'' she said to herself, ''$500 for one hour's work isn't bad.''
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A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, ''In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there.''
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
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Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
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When my attorney told his clients that he had a sliding fee schedule, what he meant was that after he billed you, it was financially hard to get back on your feet.
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What do a baker and an attorney have in common?
They both enjoy carving up the pie.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Your lightbulb or theirs?
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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many can you afford?
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What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
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''In the law, the only thing certain is the expense.''
-- Samuel Butler
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A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
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My lawyer suggested that before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, the lawyer told me, I'll be a mile away from him, and I'll have his shoes.
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A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake -- he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.
''That's odd,'' said St. Peter, ''according to the hours you've billed you're 119 years old.''
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Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."
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We used to joke about ''Having the best judge money can buy.'' No more. Today, by the time you get through paying your lawyer, you don't have anything left for a judge.
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St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
''Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?'' he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
''I was a good father,'' he answers.
''Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.''
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, ''C'mon, Penny, let's get out of here.''
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A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.
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A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America's troubles on lawyers when a woman said, ''They aren't all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.''
''I don't believe it,'' the host responded.
''It's true, I swear it,'' said the woman. ''I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer's fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.''
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A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
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Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children. The first said, ''My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.''
The second proudly proclaimed, ''My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.''
''That is nothing,'' replied the third, ''my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!''
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A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, ''Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money.'' And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
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Why is money green?
Because lawyers pick it up before it is ripe.
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A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
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Client: Excuse me, do you have a moment? If I pay you $150, will you answer three questions for me?
Lawyers: Yes. Yes. Now then, what is your third question?
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Lawyer: ''Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.''
Judge: ''And what is the nature of the new evidence?''
Lawyer: ''Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.
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''You're a cheat!'' shouted the client to his lawyer. ''You're a scoundrel! You've kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!''
''That's gratitude,'' said the offended lawyer. ''And right after I named my new yacht after you.''
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''I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.''
''Why do you say that?''
''Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.'''
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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. ''A million dollars,'' he answered, ''because I want to donate it to M.I.T.''
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. ''I want to give a million to my family,'' he explained, ''and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.''
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, ''Three million dollars.''
''Why so much more than the others?'' asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, ''If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.''
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"
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Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case:
''It's such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.''
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A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: ''Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!'' The defendant answered, ''No, we won.''
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Some academics, discussing the Gulf War with a general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
''Well,'' said the general, ''we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers. When the time came, we ordered them to charge -- and boy, did they know how to charge.''
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At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
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A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night.
''Dad, listen,'' he shouted, ''I've finally settled that old McKinney suit.''
''Settled it!'' cried his astonished father. ''Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life.''
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A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- $50.00."
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How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
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The following true story from a woman in San Diego proves that jokes can never compete with real life when lawyers are involved:
''I received a speeding ticket while I was employed as a legal secretary to a sole practitioner. The attorney I worked for offered to appear in court for me as a favor (he felt guilty for underpaying me over the six years I assisted him). When the judge asked what my plea would be, he said, 'Your honor, my client pleads guilty to the speeding violation, but I ask that you dismiss the fine because my client cannot afford to pay it; she isn't making very much money at this time.'
''The judge asked, ' What does your client do for a living?'
'''Your honor,' my boss replied, 'she is my secretary.'
''At this point the whole courtroom erupted into laughter -- and the judge dismissed the fine.
''I no longer work for this attorney; I'm looking for a higher-paying position!''
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After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough-hewn man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman's clothing. He said,
''Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.''
The lawyer said, ''Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!''
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, ''My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.''
The lawyer said, ''Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!''
After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. ''Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows.''
''DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!'' the lawyer said. ''The cows will be ours!''
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Partners at a big law firm gather for a picture at their annual dinner. All look glum.
The photographer tries several jokes to lighten the mood, but none work.
Finally, inspiration hits. ''Just say 'fees,''' he says.
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Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!"
Lawyer: "You're right -- mine."
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Running into a lawyer's private office, a butcher yelled angrily, ''If a dog steals a hunk of meat from my shop, is his owner obligated to pay?''
''Sure,'' replied the lawyer.
''Okay then, your dog just stole half a rib roast worth $20 from my shop.''
''Give him the other half,'' said the lawyer, ''and it will cover my consultation fee.''
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| נשלח ב-31/10/2003 13:32 |
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Portrait of a Ghost
There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country. The only house available was rumored to be haunted. Since the preacher didn't believe in such things, he rented it.
It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn't believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.
The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.
When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible. Feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.
The ghost thought a minute and replied, "Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."
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