| נשלח ב-24/12/2003 22:07 |
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מילתא דבדוחתא
A guy gets pulled over for doing 75 in 50 mph zone. The cop says, "Let me see your license and registration."
The guy says, "I don't have either."
"You sure your registration isn't in the glove compartment?", says the cop.
"No, that's where I have the gun," was the response.
"What gun?" asked the cop
"The gun I killed my wife with", said the guy, "Her body is in the trunk."
"Keep your hands on the wheel. I'm calling for backup," said the officer.
Soon the sergeant arrives and says "Let me see your cards."
"Sure," said the driver as he gives him his license and registration.
"What's this about a gun in the glove compartment?", inquired the sergeant.
As the guy opened his empty glove compartment he said "I have no gun."
"What about your wife's body in the trunk?," asked the sergeant.
"My wife's at home," said the guy. "Did this policeman tell you all this stuff? Next thing you know, he'll be telling you I was speeding."
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, feeling the warmth of having done a good deed, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"
Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:
"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAYSTATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."
His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf."
The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is..."
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble?" asked the business man.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What are you kiddin' and catch a disease for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex".
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbours did."
Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
A woman asks her husband, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"
"Of course not," he replied. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money."
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
The General went out into the barracks square to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least the G.I. was here so he let the him go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting, and he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No sir," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Two guys were sitting in a bar talking about their relatives.
"My grandfather," said the first guy, "knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
"Wow, that's incredible," his friend replied. "How did he know all of that?"
And the first guy said, "A judge told him."
One night a fire started inside a large chemical plant. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault. I'll give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president offered $100,000, but the fire was just too bad. Just then another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the fire was extinguished. Joyous the company president walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. He asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all the while banging his gavel. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You darned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel, and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I needed to borrow one?!"
An elderly man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors," said the elderly man.
"You were both in great danger," replied the priest. "You would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father," said the elderly man, relieved. "That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" inquired the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?" said the man.
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
A father was examining his son's report card.
"One thing is definitely in your favor," he announced. "With this report card, you couldn't possibly be cheating."
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| נשלח ב-25/12/2003 20:45 |
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A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302...
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302".
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me nothin.....
A guy returns from a trip and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."
"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the heck is that?"
"It's a combination of Gonorrhea, Aids, Sars, and Herpes," explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do about it !!?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, quesadillas and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football. Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon.
The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together and they were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story hotel.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child. "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked.
"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Steve went to confession, and told the priest that he had been with 5 different women the night before, each one another man's fiancee or wife.
The priest told Steve to go home and squeeze 3 lemons and 2 limes into a cup of water and drink it.
Steve asked the priest if that would give him absolution.
The priest replied, "No, but it should wipe that smirky grin off your face!"
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."
"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. This time my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him."
"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17. "
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she prays earnstly for God to allow him to speak to her "Hello Margaret, this is Fred."
"Fred!" she exclaimed. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. I lack for nothing; the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "I'm a buffalo in Montana."
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| נשלח ב-26/12/2003 09:46 |
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מודיעים לכורדי על כך שאימו בת השמונים
נפטרה.
ברגע ששומע את הבשורה פורץ בבכי ומספר
שעות לא מצליחים להרגיעו.
לאחר יום שלם שהכורדי ממרר בבכי
מצליחים להרגיעו ומציינים כי
אמו היתה חולה ועדיף שהיא נפטרה - כך
תסבול פחות.
לאחר שהכורדי נרגע הוא מקבל שיחת
טלפון. כשהוא מנתק שומעים
אותו פורץ בבכי בשנית.
שואלים אותו: "מה קרה עכשיו? מדוע אתה
שוב בוכה?"
עונה הכורדי: "אח שלי התקשר... גם אמא
שלו נפטרה."
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| נשלח ב-28/12/2003 20:51 |
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It's 8:00am at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Mamma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. And her husband looked into her eyes and said, "I think you're bad luck."
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
The public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlour.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this, " pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam's doubles.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is Saddam is still alive. The bad news is he lost an arm."
A man was applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decided to give him a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
The man said, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answered the applicant.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenged the inspector.
"Then," the man said, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
The inspector kept on: "What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," the man argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."
"What if that had been vandalized?" the inspector asked.
"Oh well," said the applicant, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?"
And the man replied, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
A man saw a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?" the man said. "I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!"
The waitress couldn't care less, and asked, "What would you like then?" And the man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
A famous art collector was walking through the city when he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he did a double take. He knew that the saucer was extremely old and very valuable, so he walked casually into the store and offered to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replied "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector said, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner said "Sold," and handed over the cat. The collector continued, "Hey, for the 20 bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner said, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with an excellent hearing aid.
He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school one day.
"Well, momma, the rabbi told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed and Moses used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge, drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe it!"
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, and drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honour."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'. "
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my Lord...'."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3am drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes passed. The woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently.
The man had finally had all he could handle. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
The woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
Alan had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as Alan was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," a very embarrassed Alan said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this???"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said...
"Please bring up a postcard. I'll mail her a note!"
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section... Buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you... Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it... Buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want... Buy a dog.
If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors... Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies... Buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores... Buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, with boobs or without, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally and perpetually... Buy a dog.
But on the other hand: If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, then my friend..... Buy a cat!
Four married guys went fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Fishing or Sex,' and she said, 'Wear a sweater.'"
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without my bloomers on!"
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and her stomach upside down.
Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theatre to see Star Wars and more hot dogs, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size you idiot!"
At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne - a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes; the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for "action." They "unite as one." All goes well; Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again, he is ready for "action."
Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, Lou Anne consents to more "conjugal bliss." When the love-birds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year old. ready for more passion. Once again, they enjoy one another. But as Morris prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the shop on the left. The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?" The guy says, "A menswear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what he wants on the sign. "Menswear," says the man.
A second guy comes along and wants to rent the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants "Menswear" on his sign. The owner tells him that the lefthand shop will be the same. "No problem," says the man.
Finally a third man comes along to let the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a menswear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign. The guy replies: "Entrance."
A guy decides to take off work early and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 3 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
The young man had asked for a job with the circus - any job just so he could travel with the circus. The owner of the circus, thinking he might be able to make an assistant lion tamer out of the young man, took him out to the practice cage.
The head lion tamer, a beautiful young woman, was just starting her rehearsal. As she entered the cage, she removed her cape with a flourish and, standing in a revealing costume, motioned to one of the lions.
Obediently, the lion crept toward the young woman, licked her feet, legs and thighs, then rolled over twice.
"Well," said the owner to the young man, "think you could do that?"
"I'm sure I could Sir," said the young man, "but you'll have to get that lion out of there."
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. I'm already starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. "Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"
"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."
A lady is looking to purchase a pet for companionship, and so goes to the local pet shop to purchase a cat or such. However, when she arrives, she is intrigued by the beautiful young parrot on a perch by the counter. "Will this parrot talk?" she asks the owner.
"Oh yes, this parrot comes from a long line of excellent talkers. In two weeks, he will be mimicking your speech like he's having a conversation with you." The lady excitedly purchases the bird in a large cage (for a handsome fee) and takes it home. Two weeks later, she comes into the store. "This bird you sold me hasn't said a word!"
The owner looks puzzled. "I can't understand it, that is our best talker. He should talk when he swings. "
"What? You didn't sell me a swing!" The owner happily sells her a swing for the bird's cage. But, two weeks later, she returns with the same complaint.
"I really can't understand it, he should talk after exercising on the ladder," the owner says. Frustrated that he didn't tell her this before, she buys the ladder. Two weeks later, ...you know.
The owner says, "something is wrong, because when he climbs on the stairs, and gets on his swing, and looks into the mirror, he definitely should be talking!" She buys the stinkin' mirror, and in 2 more weeks...
In she walks with the cage, containing the swing, ladder, mirror... and one dead parrot with it's legs up in the air. "Here's your mute bird and all the junk you sold me - all I want is my money back!"
The owner was dumbfounded. "Lady, this is the first parrot that has ever come back - didn't the parrot say any words at all??"
"Well, now that you mention it, he did, say one thing," she said. "He said, 'Doesn't, that, shop, sell... Bird food?!?'"
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one woman laughed uproariously.
Used to having a better audience, his good mood quickly faded. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Can't you get the joke?"
"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
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| נשלח ב-29/12/2003 21:37 |
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A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Revenue Canada. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
Not a lot of hang-gliding occurs in Kentucky. But Hank decides he wants to take up the sport so he saves his money and buys a hang-gliding kit.
After putting it together he climbs the highest hill in his area, straps himself in and starts running down the hill. Within twenty seconds he becomes airborne and is soon flying over beautiful hills and valleys.
Ma and Pa Hicks are sitting on the porch of their cabin when Ma looks up and says "Pa! Look at the size of the bird that just flew over the hill."
"Get me my gun Ma", says Pa. Bang! Bang! Bang! goes the gun until the object disappears over the next hill.
"You missed him Pa".
"Reckon I did Ma. But at least I made him drop Hank."
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered...
"I thought he was dead!"
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"
"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer, again."
A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous cheques she had given. The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the cheques."
An elderly lady on a cruise ship wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."
The elderly matron says, "Why, thank you. Bartender, I would like a scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one as well."
The lady says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."
"Comin' right up." As he puts the drink down in front of her, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The 80 year-old replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Two guys out hunting in the woods discovered that they were lost. One of them says to the other, "If you fire a few shots into the air then someone would hear and come and rescue us".
The second friend fires twice in the air and they waited. After two hours and no one came, the first friend suggest that maybe no one heard the first two shots and maybe the second friend should fire again.
This time the second friend fires three times into the air. After waiting again for another two hours and no one came, the first friend again suggests that they try one last time. To which the second friend replies, "I can't. I'm out of arrows".
One year, a nice man decided to buy his wife a different gift for Christmas. He decided to purchase a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift for her. The wife thought it was quite strange but she just thought that she would not have to buy one when the time comes.
So the next year comes around and the husband did not buy her a gift this time.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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| נשלח ב-29/12/2003 21:57 |
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An older Jewish lady is invited to a high mass by her friend. She was delighted to accept the invitation, because she had never been to a mass before. So the two women, dressed in their finest, went to the high mass.
A visiting Bishop was vested in his robes and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His robe was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke rising from it.
The Jewish lady, sitting directly on the aisle, touched the Bishop on his shoulder as he passed her seat, and innocently said... "Darling I love your outfit, but your purse is on fire!"
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"
One gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."
"Very good," said the group leader, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"
Three insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each company's service.
The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in the Empire State Building. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."
Three smiling corpses were lying in a morgue in Arkansas, so a detective went there to find out the causes of death. The coroner pointed to the first dead man.
"This is Cletus," he said. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."
He then moved on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner said with a grin. "He died while makin' whoopee with Trudy-May."
Finally he moved on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," said the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."
"Well," asked the detective, "Why was the fool smiling?"
"Oh," said the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years. One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
"What happened?" his new cellmate asked.
And the old convict replied, "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that dear John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In point of fact, he just walked in the front door."
There were two guys riding down the road on a motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." But then he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him.
They continued driving down the road and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked.
A nearby farmer called the police and reported the accident. The police asked him, "are they showing any sign of life?"
"Well," the farmer said, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.
"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.
The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" , asked Morris.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
A young executive was leaving the office one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen", said the CEO, "this is important and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly", said the young man, flattered that the CEO had asked him for help. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
"Excellent! Excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I need two copies of that."
A woman was looking for a used car to buy and saw an ad in the classifieds. It read: Brand new 2002 Mercedes Benz, slate blue, loaded, etc. Sell for $150.00.
She was astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to her and, to her surprise, the car was in perfect condition.
She asked the woman, "What's the catch? Why are you selling this car so cheaply?"
"Well," she said, "it's my husband's car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read: 'In Miami. Need money. Sell car'."
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| נשלח ב-30/12/2003 01:00 |
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God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, As they may be connected to the butt I have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work... 12% on Mondays, 23% on Tuesdays, 47% on Wednesdays, 16% on Thursdays, and 2% on Fridays.
And help me to remember that when I'm having a really bad day, And it seems people are trying to upset me, That it takes 42 muscles to frown And only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.
And help me to remember that stressed is desserts spelled backwards.
http://www.fungrams.com/network/prayer.shtml
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| נשלח ב-9/1/2004 06:25 |
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במחילת כבוד המנהל הרב דזאבאי, בין איך מוחה אויף דער לעצטער מעשה דא. עס בעלאנגט נישט דא אין א היימישער פורום.
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| נשלח ב-11/1/2004 08:33 |
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One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his
salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you
$hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have
given $o
much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
-----------
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
-----------
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing
much has
changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing
NOticeably
well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists
are NOt sure
if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the
NOvember
presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Ron NOvak
Manager
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| נשלח ב-12/1/2004 23:46 |
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One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
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| נשלח ב-15/1/2004 06:54 |
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A Jewish grandmother was giving directions to her grown grand son who is coming to visit with his wife "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"You're coming empty handed ?"
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| נשלח ב-23/2/2004 07:20 |
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A Cluttered Desk Is......
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advise column that told me how
to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.
GREAT!
So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on
top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
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| נשלח ב-23/2/2004 07:25 |
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Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank?
Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!
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| נשלח ב-23/2/2004 07:27 |
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The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been
served in
a highway eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning floating in
it, but
two of the spots looked very suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup -
aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those
things live
around here.
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| נשלח ב-23/2/2004 07:30 |
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A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown
> > > >Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare
> > > >Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and
> > > >the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!!
> > > >Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
> > > >
> > > >Not too long after, another car flew by the
> > > >taxi. "Ohh!!! NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!!
> > > >Very fast!!!"
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!!
> > > >Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"
> > > >
> > > >The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was
> > > >starting to get a little miffed that the
> > > >Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy,
> > > >when yet another car passed the taxi right
> > > >as they were turning into the airport.
> > > >"Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very
> > > >fast!!!"
> > > >
> > > >The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to
> > > >the meter, and said, "That'll be $150."
> > > >
> > > >"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"
> > > >
> > > >"Meter!, Made in Japan!! Very Fast!!!" replies
> > > >the taxi driver.
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| נשלח ב-24/2/2004 05:39 |
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WHY GOD CREATED MENOPAUSE
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, "Soon."
Thirty minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES," she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??" "BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it..."
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