Musicians 101

ENJOY!           1

Piano: Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't and that somehow bothers them.. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and listen to recordings of themselves over, and over till they fall asleep. But let's not blame them, how many musicians need to read 2 lines at once, they are just wired differently!. They also love starting up with the drummers, who they feel are way down on the food chain.

Bass: Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Wild eye movements as well his tongue sticking out are normal symptoms. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening, nor if he cares.

Drums: Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, be careful not to sneak up on him, as he might spill his scotch.

Saxophone: Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Intro's and hits, but have never come to understand when it is their turn to play, they like to just barge right in, and stay there.. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop, all the while getting nods from the drummer, and fierce glares from the pianist.. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.

Trumpet: Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very interesting to watch play, their faces go from normal to a lovely shade of purple in a very short time.. Many of them don't really play, they just fake it while the saxophonist hogs the set. The rules are: play only if you must, and play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. (Caution: It is loud and high. ) If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that he really wants to play the saxophone, but it has too many buttons for him.

Guitar: Chasuna guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're too cultured. In protest, they arrive late, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you want to talk to a guitarist during the break he'll be on his cell phone outside

Trombone: The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. ''Listen,'' it seems to say in the male tenor range, ''Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?'' Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the attention despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.

Sound Engineer:  Ah yes an interesting breed. They usually are guitar players. Have tattoos or earrings. Speak with an accent, and have a bottle of something hidden in their gear rack. They will have a blank glassy look on their faces, and seldom get excited, or mad, but if they do….. run!  During the break they simply disappear don't even bother looking for them.

Chevra, I am leaving the title of  SINGERS to you, step right up let's hear your comments!                1

Zeide a translation would be lovely!                             1