מילתא דבדוחתא
A guy gets pulled over for doing 75 in 50 mph zone. The cop says, "Let me see your license and registration."
The guy says, "I don't have either."
"You sure your registration isn't in the glove compartment?", says the cop.
"No, that's where I have the gun," was the response.
"What gun?" asked the cop
"The gun I killed my wife with", said the guy, "Her body is in the trunk."
"Keep your hands on the wheel. I'm calling for backup," said the officer.
Soon the sergeant arrives and says "Let me see your cards."
"Sure," said the driver as he gives him his license and registration.
"What's this about a gun in the glove compartment?", inquired the sergeant.
As the guy opened his empty glove compartment he said "I have no gun."
"What about your wife's body in the trunk?," asked the sergeant.
"My wife's at home," said the guy. "Did this policeman tell you all this stuff? Next thing you know, he'll be telling you I was speeding."
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good bye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, feeling the warmth of having done a good deed, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can still drive!"
Two little boys were staying with their grandparents. While kneeling to say their bedtime prayers the smallest boy began yelling his prayer at the top of his lungs:
"DEAR GOD, FOR CHRISTMAS I WOULD LIKE A PLAYSTATION, A MOTOR BIKE, SCOOTER, NEW VIDEO GAMES..."
His brother asked him, "Why are you yelling? God can hear you; He is not deaf."
The younger brother replied, "I know God is not deaf, but grandma is..."
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble?" asked the business man.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What are you kiddin' and catch a disease for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex".
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbours did."
Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"
A woman asks her husband, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"
"Of course not," he replied. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money."
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that, get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
The General went out into the barracks square to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least the G.I. was here so he let the him go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting, and he asked them why they were late. They all had the same story.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No sir," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Two guys were sitting in a bar talking about their relatives.
"My grandfather," said the first guy, "knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
"Wow, that's incredible," his friend replied. "How did he know all of that?"
And the first guy said, "A judge told him."
One night a fire started inside a large chemical plant. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault. I'll give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president offered $100,000, but the fire was just too bad. Just then another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the fire was extinguished. Joyous the company president walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. He asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man, all the while banging his gavel. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You darned tightwad!" blurted the spectator again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more bangs of his gavel, and then continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the Judge thunders back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!"
So the man answers, "I've lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had any tools when I needed to borrow one?!"
An elderly man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors," said the elderly man.
"You were both in great danger," replied the priest. "You would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father," said the elderly man, relieved. "That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" inquired the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?" said the man.
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
A father was examining his son's report card.
"One thing is definitely in your favor," he announced. "With this report card, you couldn't possibly be cheating."
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