Open Letter
An Open Letter
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This is indeed an open letter or rather an open heart. A voice from within our Heimishe community speaking out in regards to Shiduchim with working boys and girls who want them. Without much introductions I will be quick to lay out my case regarding this matter. In my not-so-humble opinion there are thousands of Chasidishe single girls who don't care if their husband sat in Yeshiva till the day he got married or a few years earlier. All they care is to get a man who is caring and loving and will make a good husband and good father.
Of course there are girls who specifically want their man to take them out to dance clubs. And of course there are girls who made a conscious decision since their 16'Th birthday that Teharas Hamishpacha is not for them. But I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the good-natured girl who is simply not so submerged in the Kishkeh of Chasidishkeit to care if her man works or drives as a Bucher.
Yitty would be the typical girl I'm talking about. She is one who wants her husband to have a Shiur and wants him to be able to look up the answer shall a question in Hilchas Shabbos arise. A girl who respects and wants an Ehrlich Yiddish life, and despite the fun she wants in life, she wants to be a Yiddishe Mamme to her children.
Now why should such a precious soul be subjected to be degraded by her own parents for simply feeling that a boy taken straight from the Rebbe's Tish does not exactly fit her deion?
Why should a lovely young intelligent boy, such as Yitzy, who gets up early in the morning, attends a Shiur, and then goes off to a hard day of work, be subjected to meet his parents' bitter eyes when he comes home? Why should they rant at him that because he is working, another six Shadchans knocked down the phone on them?
And then these wonderful parents wonder why Yitty and Yitzy decide to take it to the streets? Or the wonderful Rabunim in town wonder why Yitty and Yitzy decide to take it to the web?
Do you want to know why? Do you really want to know why? Because you are a horrible parent, that's why! Because when your daughter asked you at age 17 to look for a working boy, you told her that she is young and stupid. Now she is back home with you and along with her two kids after making miserable the life of an innocent Ultra-Frum boy who should have married an Ultra-Frum girl in the first place.
But the main thing is that the Mechiten was Tzigepasst to you! Ah, you were able to walk the streets proudly taking Mazel Tov wishes and enthusiastically responding, ''Yes, Reb Usher is my Mechiten! What do you say to that?''
That's why! That's why Yitzy and Yitty hate you! That's why Yitzy and Yitty don't trust you. And that's why they are taking matters into their own hands.
Don't get me wrong, I personally have wonderful and smart parents. My life is another story. But I have seen enough to comment. I have been involved in plenty situations and came to know plenty boys, girls and parents who contributed to this letter. I don't know if I'm talking now to a parent or if I'm talking to a Yitzy or Yitty, but let me share with you some anecdotes I have personally experienced which may shed some light to the ignorant side of some people's brain.
Malky is wonderful Brooklyn girl who couldn't care less about the fact that her father is a millionaire or that her father is one of Satmer's Frumest people. All she wants is to live a quiet life with her future husband. She wants to stay out of the spotlight. She does not want a Tzeflutchkete Peyes guy for a husband and she doesn't need her father to pay her expenses for life. She wants live quietly with her working husband and live off his paycheck regardless if it's $1,000 a week or $75 a week.
She made that conscious decision ever since she grew up. Ever since she saw no beauty in this lifestyle.
Don't get me wrong. Malky is an Ehrliche Satmer kid with the best reputation in town. But in her heart she is bleeding. In her heart she knows that she can't even approach her father about this issue.
When Malky came home one day saying that her friend who just got married flew off to enjoy her honeymoon in Miami, her parents freaked out: ''And you admire that, Malky?'' - ''Yes I do, and in fact, my husband and I will do the same,'' she replied. After her parents exchanges stares, her father said, ''No, your husband will sit and learn. You are too young to know what you want.'' - ''No, he will not sit and learn,'' replied Malky. That's when her mother snapped, ''Is that the way you admire Torah?''
A while later Malky's father approached her with a huge smile from ear to ear, beaming, ''I sold one of my buildings so I can have cash on hand to support your husband's sitting and learning.
When I bumped into Malky coincidently and learned of her situation, I took her to see a well respected Rav who deals with such cases. She did find comfort in his words, but after being advised that she will need to muster up the courage to finally get the message across to her parents she freaked out. She couldn't do it.
The sad part is that at that point when I said good bye to her, she could not understand why I would have a problem sticking with her. ''I mean even if I get married and you get married, an occasional email or phone chat wouldn't hurt.''
''Malky,'' I said to her. ''Do you realize how messed up you are? You fear to put up a fight with your parents even if it means later living a peaceful life, but you see no problem to chat with a man you once had feelings for even after you already found your love?''
Ladies and gentleman. You want me to make sense of what just happened? I will.
This girl knew in the bottom of her heart that at the end of day she is going to marry the wrong man! She already knew that it will be forced upon her and that will be the end of the story. Rather than facing being fingered as the towns Shiksa she felt more comfortable to simply go with the flow. Get married to some Ultra-Frum boy, and if I'll be bored once in a while I'll phone up my old man!
Do you realize what the hell is going on with our system? Do you wonder why last time I heard about Malky she was seeing a married man?
I don't know about you but my heart is aching. I am crying from within and am desperately trying to find answers to the question why it has to be this way? Because it doesn't have to be like this. It really doesn't.
In today's world we have Leider so many catastrophes within the Heimishe community. So many ill children, so many mothers dying. Yet amidst all of that we have people who see it for important to add own-made pain. Self-inflicting Tzuros.
I honestly believe that a little intelligence or rather not being so ignorant would eliminate 95% of the Tzuros of our generation.
A Shiduch was recently read to a girl, and her mother heard that the boy had been skipped! What a terrible thing! The one who called the mother alerting her, felt that she just saved a tragedy from occurring. A girl marrying a boy who was ''Nebach'' skipped.
The girl's mother, however, being a smart woman and realizing the story behind the ''skipping,'' dismissed the whole issue and went on with the Shiduch.
The ''skipped'' 18 year old boy had a 17 year old hanky-panky sister, and instead of grinding her, her parents got her married to a nice 22 year old working boy.
And they lived happily ever after.
A beautiful tale. But why is it happening so seldom? Where are these wise parents? Can we pick one up at the local Rent-A-Wreck? I think not.
People think that once a rebel, always a rebel. If she rebels against her parents she will rebel against her husband. That is so utterly not true. Who is the one to label one as a rebel anyway? Some Rebbetzin with a big black box filled with red rebel labels? Does she actually roam the Heimishe streets and when she hears a girl singing, ''But I don't want to wear beige!'' she slaps a rebel label across her forehead? Is that the way it works? Huh? Because I would love to know who is behind this rebel name calling.
You see, when a girl is a so called rebel, she is trying to tell you something. She is trying to tell you that she is not exactly happy with her life. Now I'm not going to play shrink here and delve into the psychology of traumatism of one's youth. All I'm saying is that these kids yearn for acceptance. And the second they feel loved, you just saved them! At that moment you could get them married to a nice working or even learning boy.
But by labeling her a rebel and believing her to be some sort of slut, she will live up to it. That is not my promise. That's what the statistics are showing.
Let me introduce you to Goldy. Goldy is an intelligent Chasidishe girl. A girl who knows by heart half of the encyclopedia and maybe some Seforim too. She is very worldly, so to speak, and enjoys an intellectual conversation. She grew up as one of cheaper-by-the-dozen children. Between an emotional mother and an ignorant father, or the other way around, she didn't quite consider herself as someone's daughter. Rather, as a number among others.
Then Ben bumped into Goldy and it did not take long to take her up on her vulnerability. Ben, a total street kid, a dude who maybe knows how to read a phone bill, a dude who keeps Shabbos only when it is convenient for him, somehow was able to pursued Goldy. A boy with whom Goldy could never have even close to an intellectual conversation with.
I once asked Goldy, ''Tell me something, when you were 16 I'm sure you had in your mind a deion of a man who would be you ideal Basherte, right? Why don't you tell me what were the things on your list of qualifications this young man must possess?''
She went on to give me a list, ''Good hearted, sweet, have a daily Shiur, be able to learn with the kids, should not have a temper, to be very intelligent,'' and so on.
I then proceeded and dared to ask her, ''Tell me, how many things on your list does Ben qualify for?'' After thoroughly going through each and every one of them, she basically admitted that he matches close to none!
That's when I said the following:
''Understand that you look just like a kid that went shopping with his mother's shopping list and had messed up on each and every item but has 20 excuses for each item. Ironically none of the excuses are that the store didn't have that item. It doesn't matter what your excuses are. You know why? Because you might be right about some of them. But does it change the fact that the kid sounds silly when he has an excuse for each and every item? Especially when the store had it, or there's another store around the block?
''Now let me ask you this, how silly would it be when the mother herself is the one shopping with her own list and messes up on every item and then gives herself 20 excuses for each item? Don't you think she'd be considered a pretty damn confused individual that has a hard time making decisions and making up her mind? Wouldn't be your advice to her that she should have faith in other people she so trusts to make her real important decisions?
''Goldy, you messed up on YOUR OWN shopping list.''
But her response was brief and simple, ''He cares for me. He makes me feel good.''
Parents beware, if you think your kid is crazy, keep on fighting with them, keep on stalking them, you'll find out they can become a lot crazier! When you think of your daughter who got herself a cell phone or your son who goes to movies and wears a jacket as the worst that could ever happen, think again. Boys and girls could become so retarded when it comes to meeting the outside world that unless you decide to use your wisdom instead of anger, you will likely see them going from crazy to brain dead.
Why the aggravation? Why the pain? You could save your kid by listening to them, by not playing g-d, by appreciating that they may want to be different and learn to accept them. By respecting them they won't be able to spit in your face. Talk and listen. Talk and listen. I mean, when was the last time you took a nice walk alone with your grown up daughter at the water on a nice brisk evening? Do you really think if you'd done that every few weeks you'd still lose her? But you claim you can't waste your time with that, why? Because you have 10 kids? Or is it because you can't miss your Shiur? I guess losing one or two of your kids is an easier decision. Perhaps a heart attack or two as an added bonus.
I'm not here to defend Goldy. I'm not here to defend any Chasidishe girl turned dance club girl. But Goldy at age 16 had a perfect picture of her wonderful Chasidishe future man, she did not get whacked overnight. She could have been dealt with. She could have been saved. Her father emptying her pocket book and keeping some ''evidence'' didn't really help.
Now her parents are crying. Now she is crying. She knows this is not what she wants for eternity. She's now torn between two worlds. It could have been avoided.
And then there is this young Skvere woman who despite the hell she raised about marrying an Ultra-Frum boy, married him. Not surprisingly the marriage lasted just a few short months. Now had she been pregnant, would the parents be happier? Couldn't they appreciate that their daughter did not care for a boy who came straight off the Rebbe's Porentche? I guess now everyone is happy? Let the father triumph and sing Kumbaya!
And don't think that with the above story I just exposed some woman's identity. In Skvere they have a dozen such cases at any given moment. And this is the good part. Imagine what happened when they did not have the courage to make the move. When their husband would be coming home from Koilel they'd quickly type ''Hearing foot-steps. GTG'' and shut their computer. Then they'd great their husband with a big smile, ''Oh Shloime, how was Koilel today? – Oy, I forgot to shut the flame!''
I'm not picking on one particular community. Monroe and Williamsburg are worse by far. I'm not even going to repeat to you how shallow some mother's of kids can become. How low these women turn when they're not getting something at home.
''Forget about your husband, I know you don't care about him, but what about your kids? You are a mother of three Neshumelech, aren't you ashamed of yourself?'' I once asked such a woman. ''Na, who cares? If I'm not a happy person, kids will only add to the misery and desperation,'' she answered.
Wake up people! We have an epidemic in our Heimishe communities! And it all can be avoided. You want to know how? Read on.
A Shadchante approached me recently about a particular wonderful Pupa girl who cares for a working boy. After explaining her that this Shiduch was already read and apparently the parents don't want a working boy, she insisted on giving it another shot.
When calling the parents, they not only told her that they are not looking for a working boy, but the mother raised hell, ''My daughter? My daughter? Why would you even think of such a thing for my daughter? Who told you she needs Chas Veshulem a working boy?''
At that point I thought that maybe I was indeed dropped on my head as a child. This woman was so convincing that her daughter was a Rebbetzin that I said I really have to do my homework. That's when I called my cousin who is herself a Pupa girl and I listened to her explaining me how this girl so does not need a learning boy. She could not get over the fact that the parents were so foolishly stubborn. Then the Shadchante spoke to the girl's cousin who laughed at her aunt's foolishness. ''Whom is she trying to fool? And her daughter is only getting older!''
Do you now see how it could be avoided?
But what I love most about such parents is the way a real Shadchan can get to them. A couple of years ago I had the same story of a girl whose parents were horrified of even thinking about a working boy for her. Two weeks after the Shiduch collapsed she became engaged to an internationally known street bum! I later found out that the boy's side promised to pay for the whole wedding! Hahhahaaa!
You hear this? His daughter is the father's sweet gem and he can't even think of ruining it with a working boy but if he can cash out on her, that's another story! All of the sudden her soul is up for adoption! What a cheap man! What low life! These parents beat up their grown up daughters because they're afraid that they are selling out their souls, the next thing you know the father himself sells his daughter's soul. And they have no shame.
Don't get me wrong, his sweet daughter deserved this idiot of a boy. She was nothing better than him. During their engagement they would spend more time in the movie theater than anywhere else. She had no problem cursing in public right and left in front of his friends, as if to boost her self esteem with it. Yet she was too good for a working boy.
I have people advising me to do the same. ''What's the big deal, promise the girl's father a few bucks next time around, you'll see how your money will sing.'' Well, guess what? I'm not going to buy a soul-mate as if she's a beads necklace being bargained over in some Mexican marketplace. I don't like to think of my potential wife as a hand made chess set being sold by some Arab boy. ''Mechiten,'' do you get that? Could you comprehend that? You are not going to cash out on my wife! If you take me as a son-in-law then you better believe that I am the right boy for your daughter, not just the right wallet for your torn pants.
Another blood sucker I can't stand, are these Shadchans who will tell you to your face, ''Hmmm…. You do understand that you are kind of a problem case, that would be $15,000 to find the right girl. Just fill out that form, and don't forget to tell me what your father's mother's sister's uncle's nephews name is?''
Mr. Shadchan, go to hell! I'll find her myself. And I don't need to know what her father's mother's sister's uncle's nephews name is. Nor do I care if her parents are divorced or if her brother is an Aroini or a Zolli. All I care is to find a Neshumele to be my soul-mate. A girl whom I will turn into the happiest woman alive. Someone who will stand by my side and whose side I will be privileged to stand by. Could you digest that Mr. Shadchan? Or am I incompetent because I am a working boy? Huh? Do you still want $15,000, you moron? Do I look like a South African slave on display at the Zimbabwean marketplace? Well, how about you go work for a living, like I do? Like all normal people do.
I know a man who was approached by a Shadchan who had a Shiduch for his daughter, ''I'm telling you, this will be the perfect Shiduch, he's a nice working boy. All I need is $12,000! I know it's a lot of money but understand that I'm a Shadchan with heart, not just a Shadchan.''
The man coldly replied, ''I'm looking for a Shadchan to supply me with a boy, not a heart!''
Amen brother! I would refer this Shadchan to my neighbor who is going to undergo open heart surgery soon. Or this other guy I know who needs desperately a kidney. A Shadchan with heart! Boy, that is funny!
A while ago a friend of mine, who is already marrying off his youngest, said to me that his niece got engaged and he asked his brother-in-law what kind of boy she took. His brother-in-law replied, ''The boy's father is a Rosh Yeshiva there and there.'' So he asked him again, ''I understand, but could you tell me more about the boy himself?'' But his brother-in-law didn't get the question, ''Well, I'm telling you, the boy's father is such a Chushiveh man!''
Do you get that? Do you see what I am seeing? When it comes to Shiduchim the first thing on people's list is that the Mechitunim must match. If the kids match too that's an added bonus.
Some people use their daughter to swell their wallets while others are using them to go Mechiten shopping!
If I may add one more thing about Malky. Her father would every evening during supper take out a list of names of about 15-20 boys and he would start singing, ''This boy? Nah, not for my daughter! How could the Shadchan even consider that? Next boy. Him? Hmmm… he's a pretty fine boy but the family ''paast nisht.'' I swear to you I'm not making this up. And she'd be sitting there biting her nails.
At one point there was a particular boy whom she felt she could compromise for, a learning boy, yet very down to earth and caring, but her father dismissed that Shiduch too despite her pleas that this might work. ''You could do better than that, Malky!''
I guess a married man is better, in his estimation.
Now I know some of you may be saying, ''Yes, bring'em on! Tell me more such stories. I get a kick out of them. Well, I'm not talking to sick perverts like you! We find people like you everywhere. We find you on our streets, on our busses, our stores and in our Shulls. I'm not talking to you, you bum! Don't go around boasting to your clique of pervs that I am one of you, because I am not.
Don't think for one minute that I'm siding here with screwed up girls, drugged up boys or with pervs like you and your friends. Don't think for one minute that I do in some way represent boys or girls who ultimately decided to go bananas. No way.
I myself am a proud Chasidishe boy fighting bitterly against my own Nisyonos and I have no respect to those who falter. I may not despise them, I would rather pity them, yet I do not cherish them. One way or the other, this is not my intention with this letter.
Rather, this letter is a plea to parents, a plea to Rabunim to open their eyes and realize that a little intelligence, a bit of humbleness, just a little sense of awareness, a tiny dose of wisdom, and the little lack of arrogance and ignorance could save a Yiddishe soul, a Yiddishe family, and an entire Yiddishe generation.
Open your hearts. Don't be stubborn. Erase the word ''passt'' from your vocabulary. Don't care if a Mechiten ''passt nisht.'' Look away if dealing with your son or daughter as opposed to dictating them is something that ''passt nisht.'' You can be a happier man.
I know of a man who swore to commit suicide if his daughter will marry that ''horrible'' boy. It's not that her father gave her a life to begin with. She was like, ''Tatty, where were you the last 20 years? I was never sure I had a father! And she did marry that boy. And the father did not commit suicide. In the contrary, he thinks pretty highly of his son-in-law. In fact, if not of his son-in-law he'd never see his daughter again.
This father could have easily married off his daughter at age 18 if only he'd listen to her. Heck, if only she would not be petrified to talk to her father. If only she'd feel her father would not call her Shiksa or beat here up.
Friends, I am not just being sweet when I'm saying that I'm heartbroken. I am stricken with anger. I walk the streets of Boro Park, Williamsburg, Flatbush, Crown Heights, Monsey, New Square, Monroe and beyond, and I see people hurting. I see husbands who lose their wives to chat rooms. I see mother's crying over their son's disappearance. I see Rabunim crying along with fathers of broken families.
You walk out of Chasineh halls and see teenage girls wearing Seams being picked up by their boyfriends. You walk at the mall on Motzei Shabbos and see 16 year old boys running out of the movie theater wearing their Bekitches, and approaching you if you could give them a ride back to their Yeshiva.
That is what you see. I see something else. I walk the streets of our Heimishe communities and see broken kids who want a little satisfaction. All they want is a change from a life they feel they will not live anyway after their marriage. Yet, finding resistance they turn to the streets.
Next time you see such a boy don't call him a bum yet don't take him to a karaoke club. Next time you bump into such a girl don't take advantage of her fragile moment in life. Throw in a few Chizuk words and encourage them to speak to a community leader who has a heart and an ear for them.
And parents, I don't think I need to say much more. I think I've successfully laid out my case. Unless you could dispute the facts, of course. And remember that simply saying that the Rebbe Z'chisoi Yugen Uleini would call for a Cheirem on me, will not prevent half of the town in having shares in your daughter's soul. But a little common sense, wisdom and a parent's love, might!
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