http://www.nashuatelegraph.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20040916/COLUMNISTS08/209160379
Jews Against Gefilte Fish: Some traditions are meant to be broken
A Telegraph Column By Darren Garnick
Published: Thursday, Sep. 16, 2004
ENLARGE PHOTO
Courtesy image by JEWS AGAINST GEFLITE FISH
Darren Garnick has conceived an anti-gefilte fish movement to speak for the Jews of the world who abhor the dish.
Darren Garnick
Darren Garnick has been a pop culture analyst for The Telegraph since 1997, launching "Culture Schlock" when he was a general assignment reporter. He is now a television field producer (south of the border) with jobs ranging from exploring herbal medicine in the jungles of the South Pacific to examining luxury toilets for The Travel Channel's "World's Best Bathrooms." He can be reached by e-mail at
[email protected].
Today marks the first day of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year of 5765. It is a time when Jews around the world engage in some heavy soul searching. It is a time for us to reflect on our past behavior and contemplate how to improve our own lives and the communities around us in the year ahead.
It is also a time to serve one of the most grotesque delicacies to ever set a fin on the American dinner table: gefilte fish.
If you are one of the millions of fortunate folks who has never sunk your teeth into a cake of the gefilte, let me have the honor of warning you now. The appearance alone should scare away most of you. It's an oval-shaped fish burger about the size of a Weetabix biscuit or a McDonald's hash brown (the full spectrum of eaters are covered here) that floats in a jar of yellow-brown gelatin. Many fans of gefilte fish will insist that the homemade dish is far superior to its commercially jarred brethren - but we're really just talking about different degrees of nausea.
Gefilte fish is a mushy conglomeration of carp, whitefish, pike and chopped onion usually served on a bed of lettuce and topped with a slice of carrot. I don't claim to be a food ethicist, but there is something very unnatural about mixing fish species in one ball of flesh. I already prefer that my hot dogs stick to cows only; and I shudder at the thought of a burger meshing together a lamb, a steer, a turkey and a buffalo.
But I haven't even mentioned the worst part. The Jewish holiday dinner table should be rented out by fraternities seeking new and creative ways for hazing. The condiment of choice for gefilte fish is electric red horseradish - a spicy hot spread that will numb your tastebuds for life. Appetizer time is a masochistic contest of who can clump the most horseradish around the carrot - and digest it all without crying.
ENLARGE PHOTO
Courtesy photo by ILYA MIRMAN
Ben Stein has not ever sampled gefilte fish, thanks to its ''foul smell.''
I've been a conscientious objector to both gefilte fish and horseradish since I was a toddler. There are special Passover prayers about the Hebrews being liberated from Egypt that involve gobbling horseradish - and I'm willingly taking my chances with the Big Guy Upstairs by not participating.
My irreverent attitude toward prayer aside, there are harsh consequences for Jews who openly reject gefilte fish. It may start with dirty looks at the dinner table, escalate into behind-the-back whispering and gossip - and ultimately lead to being branded as an outcast. Imagine an Italian opposed to pasta or a Greek who disdains baklava and lamb kabobs.
The pro-gefilte movement isn't bashful. There are metal fish ornaments which advocates affix to the trunks of their cars (a parody of the ''Darwin'' parody of the born-again fish). There's also a hippie Jewish organization, Gefiltefish, which provides kosher food and prayer books for vagabond fans of the musical group Phish. Now that Phish has performed its last concert this summer, Gefiltefish will no doubt harness its energies elsewhere.
I can remain silent no more. It is time to stand up and shout to whoever will listen that gefilte fish does not define my Jewish culinary culture - that my people came up with great stuff like the bagel and the knish (a meat- or potato-filled pastry). It is due time for an organization like Jews Against Gefilte Fish (JAG-F).
Currently, the membership of JAG-F is one, but I'm sure I could sign up my brother, Kevin, in an instant (although I have HUGE issues with his addiction to horseradish by itself). What I need is a celebrity endorsement.
I've been trying to land my first big-name recruit for quite some time, sneaking in the gefilte fish question at the end of journalism interviews - and even writing to a few influential Jewish celebrities, such as Red Sox outfielder Gabe Kapler.
Kapler doesn't disappoint me with his hustle on the ballfield, but his brief note declaring his love for gefilte fish was almost as heartbreaking as last year's Game 7 of the playoffs. The similarly-named comedian Gabe Kaplan, star of ''Welcome Back Kotter,'' told me by phone that he is officially neutral on the issue, but he will eat it at Passover if it is offered.
Comedian Ben Stein, whom I cornered at the Republican National Convention, delighted me with an admission that he has never tried the dish - and vowed he never would - because of its ''foul smell.'' Stein didn't seem too chatty after that, however, so I didn't issue him a membership card.
ENLARGE PHOTO
File photo by The Associated Press
Al Franken is pro-gefilte fish, as long as it is prepared by the right person.
Al Franken (I feel very comfortable asking this question to comedians) disappointed me with his position, but I'm thrilled that he gave me a quote longer than one sentence.
''I actually love gefilte fish, especially with the red horseradish stuff,'' Franken writes. ''There is a difference, by the way, between gefilte fish and really good gefilte fish made by someone who knows what they're doing. The best gefilte fish I've ever had was made by my friend Hazel Lichterman for a seder several years ago. I still remember it. That's how good really good gefilte fish can be.''
No disrespect meant toward Lichterman, who I'm sure is a fantastic cook, but there are millions of us who quite frankly consider the mere presence of gefilte fish to be oppressive.
New Hampshire's Jewish community may not be as large as the tribes in Israel or New York, but there is no shortage of guts or integrity here. This is the community that gave the world Adam Sandler (Manchester), hosted anti-terrorism hero Yoni Netanyahu (Amherst) and is now home to Segway inventor Dean Kamen (Bedford). I believe that Granite State Jews can take a major leadership role in the effort to help JAG-F grow and thrive.
So, this Rosh Hashana, please join me. Stand up at your table and say ''No, thank you'' when the gefilte-pushers dangle their platters under your nose. There are more of us out there than they think.
Darren Garnick'sהטקסט שלך כאן
