א סדר און צוויי מינוט
For those of you who don't have the patience to
sit thru a full Seder: The Two-Minute Haggadah - A Passover service for
the impatient.
Opening
prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink
wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview:
Once we were slaves in
Egypt. Now we're free. That's
why we're doing this.
Four
questions:
1.
What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with
horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the
herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table
business?
Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There
was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like
horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to
slouch.
A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning.
(Heat soup now.)
The four kinds
of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple
child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover
loudly.
Wicked child-brow beat in front of the
relatives.
Speaking of children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five
bucks.
The story of Passover:
It's a long
time ago. We're slaves in Egypt . Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help.
God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts
the Red Sea . We make it through. The Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40
years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel , get a new
temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool
now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood,
Frogs, Lice-you name it.
The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished
our enemies, it would've been enough. If He'd punished our enemies and not
parted the Red Sea , it would've been enough. If He'd parted the Red Sea (remove
gefilte fish from refrigerator now.) etc.
Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again,
God, for everything.
SERVE MEAL.
Say Grace. Drink more wine. Sing some
more songs. Try to stay awake.
Who knows one? Who knows two through
thirteen?
Dad bought a goat for two zuzim. Everyone beats up every one until
God steps in.
Go to sleep.
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