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| נשלח ב-27/3/2005 04:06 |
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מילים = םילימ
אפשר להבין את המאמינים שחמש חמש זה בעצם שמח שמח
ושדג זה בעצם גד
אפשר לראות שכל מה שבוטל זה לטוב
אפשר שתרדוף בצע ואז ידבק בך עצב
אפשר שישאר לך טעם טוב אם תסתפק ולו במעט
אם יש בך דחף לא מובן, סימן שיש בך פחד!
אפשר שתהיה שפן ירא ואפשר שתהיה נפש ארי
אפשר להבין שאחד לאלף הוא פלא
אפשר שאתה כלום ואפשר שאתה מולך
או שאתה מר וחמוץ או שאתה רם וצומח
אפשר בחיים ללכת מדחי אל דחי ואפשר ללכת יחד
אפשר לומר שאיש זה שיא
ולכן אישה זה השיא
אפשר שבוקר ישר ולא הפוך, אחרת יש לך יום רקוב
אפשר שערב ישר ולא הפוך, אחרת תרגיש ברע
אם אתה אוהב ברגש , שגר זאת
אל תהיה שונא , תהיה אנוש ...
בקיצור, הכל תלוי איך מתסכלים על זה.............
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| נשלח ב-6/4/2005 08:40 |
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STRENGTH
>
> A boy and his father were walking along a road when they
> came across a large stone.
>
> The boy said to his father, "Do you think if I use all my
> strength, I can move this rock?"
>
> His father answered, "If you use all your strength, I am
> sure you can do it."
>
> The boy began to push the rock. Exerting himself as much
> as he could, he pushed and pushed. The rock did not move.
>
> Discouraged, he said to his father, "You were wrong. I
> can't do it."
>
> His father placed his arm around the boy's shoulder and
> said, "No son. You didn't use all your strength - you didn't
> ask me to help."
>
> ~Teaching Your Children About God~
>
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| נשלח ב-19/5/2005 13:54 |
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Future Minister
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
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| נשלח ב-19/5/2005 14:00 |
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Native American Jew
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star."
"How nice," says his mother."And I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Deer and I want you to call me that from now on."
"How nice," says his mother.
"You should have an Indian name too, Mom," he says.
"I already do," she says. "It's Sitting Shiva."
Mother Teresa's Heavenly Experience
When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Terry," he said, "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
The Poker Game
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple... the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 19/05/2005 14:16:16
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| נשלח ב-19/5/2005 23:23 |
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A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
Lying is a Sin
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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| נשלח ב-19/5/2005 23:28 |
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"Hell's too hot; heaven's full of religious people. That's supposed to be a choice?"
"God doesn't want shares of your life; he wants controlling interest!"
Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He only had one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
Don't Wake your Neighbors!
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
Marrying a Non-Jew
A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non-Jew.
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." The son persisted.
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father said. "I told you marrying a non-Jew would cause problems."
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.
A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 19/05/2005 23:43:35
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| נשלח ב-6/6/2005 15:07 |
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Second Opinion
This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
A Shipwreck's Synagogue
After many years shipwrecked on a desert island, Kaplan is rescued by a passing ship. Before leaving for home, he shows the ship's Captain around the island. He points out the house he built from twigs and rocks and the vegetable garden he built to provide food. He then takes the Captain to the water's edge and shows him the lovely synagogue he built."If this is the synagogue, then what's that building over there?" the Captain asks.
Kaplan explains, "This is the synagogue that I go to. And that, that's the synagogue I wouldn't be caught dead in."
The Darwinian vs. God Contest
One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem," and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
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| נשלח ב-6/6/2005 15:14 |
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Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
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| נשלח ב-6/6/2005 15:17 |
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The Mule, the Monkey & The Man
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so ...
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| נשלח ב-6/6/2005 15:30 |
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Atheist in Trouble
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
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| נשלח ב-7/6/2005 15:10 |
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Wailing Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
_____
The Pious Man and the Atheist
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above...
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
________
The Stormy Sea
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."
_______
The Best Way to Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
תוקן על ידי - עצור_כאן - 19/09/2006 8:47:39
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| נשלח ב-19/6/2005 21:40 |
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A Jewish Parrot
Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."
She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
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| נשלח ב-19/6/2005 21:42 |
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I Know What the Bible Means
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"
A Prayer Upon Waking
Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thank you! Amen.
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 20/06/2005 12:30:27
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