|
|
| נשלח ב-19/6/2005 21:44 |
 |
| |
Five Jewish Men
Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-21/6/2005 14:45 |
|
| |
Cop With a Collar
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, ''What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?''
He thought for a moment and then said, ''I would take up a collection.''
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-28/6/2005 11:13 |
|
| |
Odd Rabbi Out
These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
 |
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-5/7/2005 01:25 |
|
| |
>
> A Woman's Secret .. and her Prayer
>
>
>
> There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
> They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
> They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman
> had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
> never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never
> thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and
> the doctor said she would not recover.
>
>
>
> In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe
> box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he
> should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted
> dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the
> contents.
> "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret
> of a happy marriage ! was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got
> angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old
> man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
> Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him
> two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
> happiness.
>
>
>
> "Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this
> money? Where did it come from?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made
> from selling the dolls.
>
>
>
> Women will love this...
> A Prayer.
> Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
> Patience for his moods; because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him
> to death.
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-10/7/2005 19:45 |
|
| |
The Lord Will Save Me!
It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.
The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"
After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.
"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?"
The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
All I Need is a Miracle
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for. A good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-18/7/2005 23:15 |
|
| |
Avak Lashon Hara
My First Confession
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."
|
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-29/7/2005 06:03 |
|
| |
ניסוי ראשון
1 . בידך האחת אתה אוחז מחבת ובה מים רותחים, בידך השניה צפרדע .
2. שחרר את הצפרדע לתוך המחבת.
3. מה היא עושה?
ברגע שרגליה חשות במים הרותחים היא קופצת את קפיצת חייה ויוצאת מהסכנה.
ניסוי שני
1. בידך האחת אתה אוחז מחבת ובה מים פושרים, בידך השניה צפרדע.
2. שחרר את הצפרדע לתוך המחבת.
3. מה היא עושה?
ברגע שרגליה חשות במים הפושרים היא נשארת במים ומשתכשכת להנאתה.
אבל
4. מתחת למחבת דולק נר, ומחמם את המים לאט ובהתמדה.
5. המים בטמפרטורה של 35 מעלות - מה עושה הצפרדע?
משתכשכת.
6. המים בטמפרטורה של 45 מעלות - מה עושה הצפרדע?
לא נעים לה אבל היא עדיין משתכשכת.
7. המים בטמפרטורה של 55 מעלות - מה עושה הצפרדע?
היא בקושי נושמת וקשה לה לזוז אבל היא עדיין במים.
8. המים בטמפרטורה של 65 מעלות - מה עושה הצפרדע?
מתבשלת במים ללא רוח חיים.
אז למה היא לא קופצת?
היא לא קופצת כי:
? היא לא מרגישה שהיא בסכנה.
? המציאות אמנם השתנתה והיא הרגישה משהו אך לא הבינה.
? כשהמצב היה חמור וקיצוני היא כבר היתה במצב של חוסר אונים.
מוסר השכל:
כולנו דומים לצפרדעים.
הטבע יצר אותנו מוכנים לזיהוי סכנה מיידית ובעלת עוצמה ואז אנחנו מוכנים להתמודד מיידית או לברוח.
אבל אנחנו עיוורים לשינויים וסכנות שמתפתחים בהדרגה.
? האוברדרפט שגדל לאט לאט ובהתמדה.
? הזוגיות שמשתנה וגורמת לבלות חיים שלמים של שתיקה וסבל.
? אנחנו במקום עבודה שהיה נהדר.
? ועוד..... (לכל אחד מאיתנו דוגמאות פרטיות)
אז הפסיקו לבלוע צפרדעים ותתחילו לשנות.
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-29/7/2005 06:51 |
|
| |
Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-29/7/2005 06:53 |
|
| |
Sherlock Holmes in Heaven
Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. "I'll let you in," said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, "if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal."
"Elementary, my dear St. Peter," said the great detective, "he's the one without a bellybutton."
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-29/7/2005 14:32 |
|
| |
On Fire!
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
A Birthday Wish
Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.
תוקן על ידי - מנהלמשנה - 01/11/2005 1:15:45
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-6/9/2005 16:00 |
|
| |
http://hydepark.hevre.co.il/hydepark/topic.asp?topic_id=965071&whichpage=26
סיפור ידוע מציע פתרון לתהייה החמורה על הפוערים לבעל פעור. מניין נפלו לשיגעון זה לכבד את אליליהם במנה הגונה של צרכים טריים, ועוד לחשוב שבכך עובדים ומכבדים אותו?! אלא המעשה הוא כזה: הורי הוריהם של אותם פוערים היו סוגדים לאליליהם ממעמקי ליבם בחיל וברעדה ברתת ובזיע עד שגופם היה מתחלחל והיו לוקים בקלקול קיבה ובשלשולים. הבנים חשבו שההתרוקנות היא שלב נחוץ בעבודה ואילו הנכדים וצאצאיהם כבר סברו שהיא היא העבודה עצמה.
שם הכותב: ז_ד_חבריא
תוקן על ידי - בוגיעלון - 06/09/2005 16:01:18
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-8/9/2005 18:52 |
|
| |
Getting Ready For a Trip
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump."Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
Moses on His Walkie Talkie
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Man Talks to God
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-21/9/2005 14:18 |
|
| |
Yinglish
Hello, is this the Goldberg residence?
Yes, mit whom do you vish to speak?
Mrs Goldberg please.
Mrs Goyeldberg is shoppink in de supermarket.
Is Mr Goldberg there?
Dis time of de day? Mishter Goyeldberg is voikin.
Is Thelma at home?
In de school is Telma, very clever vun, tu tu tu .
How about Harry, is he there?
Herry, in colletch is Herry, he should be a dokter kaynahoreh .
I see, is this Mrs Goldberg 's mother?
No, poor Bubbi Goyeldberg is ollivasholom .
So, may I ask who I am talking to?
Dis is Daisy, de schvartze..
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-20/10/2005 00:35 |
|
| |
When I Was Your Age ...
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.""Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
A Synagogue's Custom
A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.
The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"
"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz."Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "
"That," said the old man, "is our custom."
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 20/10/2005 0:42:05
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-20/10/2005 01:02 |
|
| |
The Jewish Atheist
On New York's Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school and completely secular.After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, ''By the way Dad, do you know what 'Trinity' means? It means the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.''
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, ''Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God. AND we don't believe in Him!''
|
|
|
|
|
