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| נשלח ב-20/10/2005 01:16 |
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Quite a Son-in-Law
A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
True Mother-in-Law
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
תוקן על ידי - מנהלמשנה - 01/11/2005 1:13:42
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| נשלח ב-22/10/2005 20:41 |
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Lotto Night
An observant Jew called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray: "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue: "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."Lotto night comes a second time and Jacob still has no luck! Back to the synagogue again, Jacob asks: "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A LOTTO TICKET."
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| נשלח ב-23/10/2005 01:31 |
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Ratio.
It reminds me the story:
a Jew in Poland bought a lottory ticket went in to the Shul opened the Ark and said: Dear God make me win and I'll Share it with you. The day comes but he didn't win.
He tried the same ritual a few times and got disappointed. So off he went to the charch and made a the same deal with Jesus the drawing day comes and the jew wins.
he comes back home and says to his family : " you see our God isn't stupid, he knew that he's not going to get anything from me"
תוקן על ידי - קעלעמר - 23/10/2005 1:31:44
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| נשלח ב-21/11/2005 10:00 |
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Noah in 2005
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it.
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| נשלח ב-21/11/2005 14:22 |
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Subject: Lamborghini
>>>
>>>A man who has finally made it in business treats himself to a new
>>>Lamborghini! After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to the Orthodox
>>>Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
>>> "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
>>> "It's a Lamborghini,"
>>> "What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
>>> "A sports car."
>>> "What? That's blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a
>>> sports car? Go to the conservatives!"
>>>
>>> Well, the man is disappointed, but goes to the Conservative Rabbi and
>>> asks for a mezuzah.
>>> "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
>>> "For my Lamborghini", the man replies.
>>> "What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
>>> "A car, a sports car."
>>> "What kind of sports car?" asks the Rabbi.
>>> "Italian."
>>> "What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a
>>> Goyishe car? Go to the Reform!"
>>>
>>> Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed,! but goes to the Reform
>>> Rabbi.
>>> "Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
>>> "You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
>>> "You know what it is?" says the man.
>>> "Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?"
I would add that at the end he went to a Reconstructionist Rabbi who told him, ok if you feel that it helps your judaism, go ahead! (but maybe put it on without a beracha)
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 21/11/2005 14:25:41
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| נשלח ב-22/11/2005 12:37 |
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תוד/ה 
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| נשלח ב-22/11/2005 14:20 |
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רציו,
אתה יכול לצחוק עלי, אבל באנגלית זה הרבה יותר קל: Rabbi זה שם ללא מין...
[אגב, ע"פ המצב בימינו, בודאי בתנועה הרקונסטרקציוניסטית, סביר שה-/ ייעלם בקרוב, שכן ירבו הרבות על הרבנים. ויפה שעה אחת קודם  ]
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| נשלח ב-26/11/2005 22:23 |
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http://news.walla.co.il/?w=/8/814304
התוכי "הוגו" חיקה את קולו של פראנק הגרמני, ואמר: "אוטה, אוטה". אלא שלאשתו של פראנק קוראים בכלל פטרה
תוכי מדבר, שפיטפט קצת יותר מדי, הביא לסיום עגום של יחסיהם של בני זוג גרמנים בשנות ה-50 לחייהם. התוכי, "הוגו" בן ה-12, חיקה את קולו של הבעל, פראנק פיקר, וחזר על קטעים משיחת טלפון שניהל עם המאהבת.
האישה הנבגדת, פטרה, סיפרה: "הוגו תמיד אוהב לחקות את פראנק, והוא עושה זאת טוב". לדבריה, התוכי נוהג לחקות את פראנק שואל "מי בדלת", צועק על האחיינים, וגם... אומר לי שהוא אוהב אותי".
"אבל אז", היא סיפרה, "יום אחד שמעתי אותו מחקה את קולו של פראנק אומר 'אוטה, אוטה'". פטרה הפכה את הבית ומצאה שני כרטיסי טיסה לסופ"ש בפריס, הרשומים על שמו של בעלה ואישה מיסתורית בשם אוטה.
לדברי האישה, "העפתי אותו בו במקום. עכשיו נשארנו רק אני והתוכי".
סיפור דומה בו היה גם על התוכי ללכת לצערו של בעליו.
http://edition.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/01/17/uk.parrot/index.html
Mouthy parrot 'reveals sex secret'
LONDON, England -- A computer programmer found out his girlfriend was having an affair when his pet parrot kept repeating her lover's name, British media reported Tuesday.
The African grey parrot kept squawking "I love you, Gary" as his owner, Chris Taylor, sat with girlfriend Suzy Collins on the sofa of their shared flat in Leeds, northern England.
But when Taylor saw Collins's embarrassed reaction, he realized she had been having an affair -- meeting her lover in the flat whilst Ziggy looked on, the UK's Press Association reported.
Ziggy even mimicked Collins's voice each time she answered her telephone, calling out "Hiya Gary," according to newspaper reports.
Call-center worker Collins, 25, admitted the four-month affair with a colleague called Gary to her boyfriend and left the flat she had shared with Taylor, 30, for a year.
Taylor said he had also been forced to part with Ziggy after the bird continued to call out Gary's name and refused to stop squawking the phrases in his ex-girlfriend's voice, media reports said.
"I wasn't sorry to see the back of Suzy after what she did, but it really broke my heart to let Ziggy go," he said.
"I love him to bits and I really miss having him around, but it was torture hearing him repeat that name over and over again.
"I still can't believe he's gone. I know I'll get over Suzy, but I don't think I'll ever get over Ziggy."
תוקן על ידי - מנהלמשנה - 18/01/2006 2:17:42
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| נשלח ב-27/11/2005 21:44 |
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Wrong Email Address
The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Florida during the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. The husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down the day after.
Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email to his wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one letter in her email address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: February 5, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. It's amazing, they have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Love,
Harry
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
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| נשלח ב-3/12/2005 23:52 |
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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| נשלח ב-6/12/2005 09:21 |
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A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home.
After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they go to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro'! And there's a physician here 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone till call him 'Doctor'! And me I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the F...ing Jew'.
Shabat morning, a mother went into the bedroom to wake up her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the Shul.
"I'm not going," he said.
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you MUST go to Shul. "One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the Rabbi"
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| נשלח ב-7/12/2005 15:35 |
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Divine Customer Service Survey
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.
In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take
a few moments to answer the following questions:
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your
name or address unless you prefer a direct response to
comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): __________________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Allah
___ Krishna
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in
good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing
attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If not, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire
universe
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a
Deity? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Needed to feel morally superior
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Like organ music
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, by which
false god were you fooled? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Bill Gates
___ Baal
___ Beelzebub
___ Ra
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The almighty dollar
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ Right-wing radicalism
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ Chocolate
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: _______________________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration
in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Astrology
___ Palmistry
___ Tea leaves
___ Dianetics
___ Fortune cookies
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ CompuServe
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________________________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to
preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind
faith. Which would you prefer?
(circle one)
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know -- What's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of
disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5
God's handling of the following:
(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
Disaster:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1
unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for
improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an
additional sheet(s) if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it
to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by March
31, you will be entered in the "One Free Miracle of Your
Choice" drawing chances of winning are approximately one in
6.023 x 10^23, depending on number of entries submitted.
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| נשלח ב-10/12/2005 21:16 |
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Family of the Groom
At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.
They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."
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