| נשלח ב-15/12/2005 19:33 |
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Not tonight, Adam
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief deion to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief deion and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
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| נשלח ב-26/1/2006 20:18 |
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The value of philosophy is intellectual precision. It reveals concepts by pointing to common aspects in concrete phenomena.
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| נשלח ב-2/2/2006 08:50 |
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One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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| נשלח ב-9/2/2006 09:58 |
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KOSHER COMPUTER
I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling Kosher computers
(Made in Israel) called a DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price I
bought one. Mine arrived yesterday If you or friends are considering a
kosher computer, you should know there are some important upgrades and
changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
a. The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two hard drives: one
for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).
b. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, it now gets
"Ferklempt."
c. The Chanukah screen saver includes "Flying Dreidels."
d. It shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
e. After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hour.
f. The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go! I'm not getting
any younger!" button.
g. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am
instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
h. The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
i. Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right
corner.
j. I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
k. Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this, and a little byte
of that."
l. When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with a "You vant I should fix this?"
message.
m. When my PC is running low on memory, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy
Gevalt!"
n. There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises
it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
o. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."
p. Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
q. "Year 5761-5762" issues have replaced the Y2K problem.
r. If you fail to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the
following message appears: "You should be ashamed of yourself."
s. When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can
do?"
t. When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you
did this, she would die."
u. And best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam in
your e-mail.
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| נשלח ב-15/2/2006 09:59 |
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ISRAELI SKIER
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time.
Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the
world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.
The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.
The Swiss in 38.7 seconds,
The German in 37.8 seconds,
The Italian in 38.1 seconds,
and then came the turn of the Israeli........ the crowd waited, and waited........ SIX MINUTES!!!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived.
Screamed the exhausted Israeli: "Alright...... who's the wise guy
who put a mezuzah on every gate?"
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| נשלח ב-6/3/2006 20:25 |
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Build Me a Bridge
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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| נשלח ב-5/4/2006 12:29 |
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Thanks to Cuz Trudie for these funnies......
1 Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46
2. Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 61
3 Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
4 Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbat candles, celebrate holidays, build Succah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 58
5. Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72
6. Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
7. Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
8. Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
9. Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 76
10. Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
11. Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB435.
12. Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks nonsmoker. POB 787.
13. Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
14. 80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
15. Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
16. Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76
17. Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64
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| נשלח ב-25/4/2006 23:25 |
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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross
in front of him; the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the
hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the
beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of
David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and
says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand?? This is a Catholic country,
this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you
money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially
when you're sitting beside a beggar with a cross. In fact, they would
probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to
teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
תוקן על ידי - עצור_כאן - 07/05/2006 4:20:19
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| נשלח ב-11/5/2006 08:04 |
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Heaven Can't Wait
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
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| נשלח ב-18/8/2006 16:41 |
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The angels come to God after he has finished with creation and ask why he
has favored the Jews so heavily.
They say, "You've given them a land of milk and honey, of olives, barley,
dates and pomegranates.
They have Nobel Prize winners, artists and scientists.
Their greatest minds contribute to the media, the banks and world politics.
Is this fair?"
God responds, "You're right. But wait till you see -the neighbors I gave
them
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| נשלח ב-21/8/2006 02:27 |
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רציו
Does that hold also for the neighbors of Atzor?
Smiley
שומר פיו ולשונו שומר מצרות נפשו
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| נשלח ב-3/9/2006 15:05 |
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Maimoni
It depends which neighbors from the right or from the left
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Why We Love Children !
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
9) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called put. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
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| נשלח ב-7/9/2006 04:30 |
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Quite a Son-in-Law
A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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| נשלח ב-7/9/2006 04:38 |
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A Poisonous Wife
A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously answers, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
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