http://hydepark.hevre.co.il/topic.asp?topic_id=1757157

בדיחות על אריק

Shmuel Gabbai, 36.
I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night.
Please write POB 81.

Couch potato latke in search
of the right applesauce.
Let's try it for 8 days.
Who knows?
POB 43

Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul
light shabbos candles,
celebrate holidays,
build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs -
Religion not important.
POB 658

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get
or can get get.
Get it?
I'll show you mine
if you show me yours.
POB 72.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys Yom Kippur,
Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalia,
Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar b'Tammuz.
Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
POB 90.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.
Seeks same in woman.
POB 43.

Nice Jewish guy, 38.
No skeletons.
No baggage.
No personality.
POB 76

Female graduate student,
studying kaballah, Zohar,
exorcism of dybbuks,
seeks mensch.
No weirdos, please.
POB 56.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,
Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
POB 787.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open
your heart to, share your innermost thoughts
and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand
your insecurities. No fatties, please
POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made, looking for girl
whose father will hire me.
POB 22.

A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've
never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly
religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa."

The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't. Sure enough, his
senior year at school he falls in love with a non-Jewish girl. She loves him
too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish.

"Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert." After serious study, the girl converts.
They marry and go off on their honeymoon in Monaco.

Four weeks later, back at home, Saturday morning at 8:00, the phone rings at
their house. It's the boy's father. He's livid.

"You know the last Saturday of every month we go over the books at the office.
Why aren't you here?" "I can't come," the boy says. "My wife says it's
forbidden. It's Shabbat. We're heading off to shul."

"I told you not to marry a shiksa," the father screams.

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on
business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer
tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked
on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan
officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The
bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000
loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are
very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked
out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multi- millionaire. What
puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return?"

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Church Bulletins:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
------------------------------------------------------------

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
------------------------------------------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BLOOPERS
 
All the mistakes in spelling and typing were left in.

These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins.  Even spell check wouldn't have helped.
 
1.  Don't let worry kill you.  Let your synagogue help.  Join us for our Oneg after services.  Prayer and medication to follow.  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
 
2.  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 
3.  We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs.  Abe Weiss.
 
4.  Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.  All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private stud y.
 
5.  The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
 
6.  A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center.  Music will follow.
 
7.  Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC.  Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
 
8.  Rabbi is on vacation.  Massages can be given to his secretary.
 
9.  Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
 
10.  The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.  Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
 
11.  Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
 
12.  We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary.  All those wishing to do something on the carpet will c ome forward and get a piece of paper.
 
13.  If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

לעולם אל תתוכח עם אישה

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