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| נשלח ב-25/7/2007 19:54 |
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A Jewish young woman brings her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, the father invites the young man to his study for schnapps.
"So what are you doing generally?" he asks the fiancé.
"I am a Torah scholar."
"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live
in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support them?"
"Don't worry Sir, God will provide."
The conversation goes on like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "Why didn't you object?"
The father answers, "For once that someone thinks I'm God, why should I?"
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| נשלח ב-1/9/2007 23:46 |
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Abe goes into Church, takes out the Tallis, takes out the yarmulke and
dresses himself and proceeds to pray.
The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services.
He stands up and says," Will all non-Catholics please leave."
Abe goes right on davening.
Next request, again "Will all non-Catholics please leave."..... Nothing.
Finally, the Priest gets up and says," Will ALL JEWS please leave."
At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis and packs it away, takes off the
yarmulke and puts it away.
Then Abe goes to the altar and picks up a statue of the baby Jesus and says:
come on bubela ,we're not wanted here.
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| נשלח ב-7/9/2007 16:43 |
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Finally, here is a definition of Globalization:
I can understand and to which I can relate......
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess with
an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a Pollock,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
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| נשלח ב-18/9/2007 23:46 |
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Question raised in a gender-linked philosophy class:
"If women are so perfect at multitasking how come they cannot have a
headache and sex at the same time"
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| נשלח ב-19/9/2007 20:26 |
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Enough Already
The New Year Assignments
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| נשלח ב-3/10/2007 09:58 |
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It seems that in Judaism Moneytheism has taken over Monotheism (from an email)
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| נשלח ב-15/10/2007 11:41 |
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One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
תוקן על ידי רציו ב- 15/10/2007 11:48:06
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| נשלח ב-16/10/2007 09:02 |
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A little girl asked her mother: ''How did the human race appear?''
The mother answered: ''God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.''
Two days later she asks her father the same question.
The father answered: ''Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.''
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: ''Mom', how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys''.
The mother answers: ''Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side...''
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| נשלח ב-22/10/2007 10:36 |
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Little Yossi and his family were having dinner at his bubbe's house. When everyone was seated, the food was served. As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right away.
"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer," said his father.
"I don't have to," Yossi replied.
"Of course you have to," said his mother. "Don't we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"
"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained. "This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook."
תוקן על ידי רציו ב- 22/10/2007 10:36:07
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| נשלח ב-6/11/2007 01:35 |
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Once upon a time there was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."
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| נשלח ב-8/11/2007 14:53 |
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The Seed
A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business. Instead of choosing one of his directors or his children, he decided to do something different.He called all the young executives in his Company together. He said, 'It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you.'
The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued:
'I am going to give each one of you a seed today, one very special seed. I want you to plant the seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring and the one I choose will be the next CEO.'
One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed.
Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure. Six months went by - still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however. He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - he so wanted the seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot, but she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick at his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful - in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed and a few felt sorry for him! When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives. Jim just tried to hide in the back.
'My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown,' said the CEO. 'Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!' All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the financial director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified. He thought, 'The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!' When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed, Jim told him the story. The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, 'Behold your next Chief Executive! His name is Jim!' Jim couldn't believe it. He couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new CEO the others said? Then the CEO said, 'One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - It was not possible for them to grow. All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive!'
If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment
If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective
If you plant hard work, you will reap success
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation
So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.
What we are is G-d's gift to us; what we become is our gift to G-d
תוקן על ידי רציו ב- 08/11/2007 14:56:56
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| נשלח ב-19/11/2007 23:11 |
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A Rabbi arrived at a shul to give a speech.
He sat and waited silently.
The audience sat patiently waiting for the Rabbi to begin.
Rabbi continues to sit quietly.
Fed up waiting, a few men approach the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, why are you waiting? Please start your speech.
The Rabbi points to his mouth and whispers to them,"
I left my false teeth at home.
The men run to the Rabbi's house and return with the false teeth.
The Rabbi starts speaking. He talks and talks.
It is getting late, the audience wants him to finish.
They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking.
Some-one approached the Rabbi and asked politely,
"Rabbi, why do you talk so much?"
The Rabbi answered:...."You brought my wife's teeth"
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| נשלח ב-18/12/2007 12:56 |
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Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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| נשלח ב-24/12/2007 10:20 |
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Why I just adore Christmas.
By Miriam Shaviv
It's my annual December dilemma. As an Orthodox Jew, I have no history of celebrating Christmas, nor do I ever intend to celebrate it in the future. Yet I get a warm and fuzzy feeling from the experience that is the modern Christmas season. How do I - and many other affiliated Jews who feel similarly - square this with the holiday's residual religious significance and the traditional Jewish aversion to Christmas? Is it possible at all to enjoy Christmas from afar, without suffering a big bout of Jewish guilt?
I haven't always loved Christmas. Actually, I can't remember even one Christmas Day from my childhood, so it is a bit of a mystery when and why Christmas turned from a nothing into something of a fetish. By the time I was in college, however, I remember spending an evening merrily competing with my Orthodox friends over who knew more Christmas carols. When I moved (back) to Israel in 2000, I was sufficiently nostalgic to go and listen to carol singing outside the Jerusalem municipality (for obvious reasons, midnight mass in Bethlehem was out). While I never would have dreamed of going to a Christmas party in the diaspora, I was more than happy to attend one in the Holy Land, and wasn't even too offended by the Christmas tree in the corner.
And now that I have returned to London, I absolutely love the city's beautiful display of Christmas lights down Oxford Street and Regent Street; the lights in the windows of even the shabbiest of shops; the tacky animations outside suburban homes; the television specials; the way work is already winding down a month before Christmas. Most of all, I like the cheesy Muzak in every shopping mall and Underground station.
When I casually mentioned this Christmas crush on my blog a couple of years ago - expecting to be admonished by my pious readers - I was astonished to discover that I was not alone. One anonymous visitor wrote: "For what it's worth, I'm a [very observant] Orthodox rabbi and I always loved the Christmas stuff." An American woman revealed: "I love the coming of winter, too; I love the (originally pre-Christian, I suspect) traditions of bringing evergreen boughs indoors and lighting grand fires and feasting, and as a choral singer I love the fact that this is the time of year when people get together and sing, just for the pleasure of doing so!" And an Englishman who moved to Israel confessed: "In Israel, there is no spring or autumn. I miss the change of seasons. I miss the English November - the fireworks, the crisp and frosty air, and the emergence of the seasonal cheer of Christmas. Perhaps it's time to pack up my bags and move back!"
It was a strong outpouring of Jewish philo-Christmasism.
The problem, at least in my case, is that my fondness for Christmas is tinged with queasiness. First of all, there is a deeply ingrained anti-Christmas tradition in the Jewish community, because of both its religious significance as the birthday of Jesus and the pogroms the community has historically suffered around Christmas-time. Real or imagined, I feel this communal pressure.
Second, there is a more modern fear that Jews and intermarried couples who allow even a little bit of Christmas into their homes send the wrong message to their children. While I believe that admiring Christmas from afar is not the same as actually celebrating it, I would not like to lower this communal boundary in any way.
So why is Christmas still a favourite? There's more to it, I think, than simply enjoying a pick-me-up in the depths of winter.
Maybe American comedian Ben Stein had it right. "I have always felt that no one loved Christmas like the Jews," he once wrote. "For a Jew to be in America at Christmas, with all the love in the air, after two millennia of being hunted and killed at Christian holidays, is pure bliss, and I believe we feel it keenly."
The same applies here.
There is also something to be said for the side benefits of a holiday that doesn't require a month of cooking and cleaning beforehand (at least not by us), is not a fast, and does not require hours of sitting in synagogue. Indeed, there is a case to be made that one of the reasons we enjoy Christmas so much is that it is relatively carefree, especially compared with our own festivals, which are either beset with ritual minutiae (Passover), ruined by their wildness (Simchat Torah, and, increasingly, Purim) or largely about guilt (High Holy Days). Given the choice between the seven weeks of Sefirat ha'Omer and the three weeks before Tisha b'Av - both periods of restrictions on celebrations - and the Christmas season.
Perhaps nothing demonstrates just how desperately Jews want a simple "feel-good" festival of their own as does the success of Chanucah, since it was "Christmas-ised". There is a lesson in that for the entire community. Meanwhile, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas - so, Jews and gentiles alike, sit back and enjoy one of the most wonderful times of the year.
Miriam Shaviv is the Comment Editor of the JC
http://www.thejc.com
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| נשלח ב-25/12/2007 19:48 |
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Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well armed lamb contesting the vote. Benjamin Franklin
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