Anectdotes

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white. The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor. 'A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1zJxyPPK8c&feature=related

Watch and listen:

Tizdaazea eretz hakoidesh (Be shocked holy land)
Der (the) hi definition
Tzeu umechu es hatoeivo (go out and erase the abomination)

Oy Vey, the "toeivo" (abomination) is here
He said Oy Vey
now the detail's so clear
YES brought HD
Groisse Tate (Great father) please help
It's a "broch" (flop) this HD on YES

Gevald it's Sadom and Amorah, HDTV
it's against the torah, HDTV
oy voi voi voi oy voy vooy Now the shikses look well
you will all go to hell
Or in Hebrew Yishmor Hael (g-d shall guard)

Cause the HD is now on YES

one of the few times a man pays full attention is when he's talking about himself

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100188830&GT1=10914

-----On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life spa n of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Fwd: your valentine - Wives.......!!

David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry 
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Socrates
By all means marry… If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Anonymus
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas
The great question which I have not been able to answer is: "What does a woman want?"

Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." 

Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." 

Patrick Murray  
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. 

Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... 
 
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."  

Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

היועץ

רועה צאן אחד רעה את עדרו בקירבת דרך שוממה.

More on women. Enjoy!


Woman is the only prey that lies in wait for its hunter. (Joerg Knoer)

Zionism in one sentence

In the years before the Balfour Declaration, a member of the House of
Lords asked Chaim Weizman:

"Why do you Jews insist on Palestine when there are so
many undeveloped countries you could settle in more conveniently?"

Weizman said:
"That is like me asking you why you drove twenty miles to
visit your mother last Sunday when there are so many old ladies
living on your street

The Two Wolves
One evening an old Sioux told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all..

One is Evil.
It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.
It is joy, peace , love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"

The old Sioux simply replied, "The one you feed."

Browsing Old Cemeteries

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the L-rd sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
but slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
but the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
The body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to G-d.
==================================
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
as you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.