Anectdotes

"אנו מבקשים לראות את נשיא האוניברסיטה", אמר האיש בקול רך.

"הוא עסוק ויהיה עסוק כל היום", סיננה המזכירה בשפתיים קפוצות.

"אנו נחכה שיתפנה", אמרה האישה.

המזכירה התעלמה מהם, בתקווה שהזוג  ילך. אך הם המתינו  בסבלנות.

 בחוסר רצון   החליטה לבסוף להפריע לנשיא. "אולי , תראה אותם לדקות מעטות, והם יעזבו" אמרה.
 הסכים  ויצא לקראת הזוג.

פנתה האישה לנשיא.: "בננו למד בהרווארד, היה  מרוצה כאן ,ואהב את המקום מאד.
לפני כשנה  נהרג בתאונה. בעלי ואני היינו רוצים להקים  יד לזכרו, במקום כלשהו בקמפוס".

הנשיא לא התרשם מדבריה. ובחוסר סבלנות בולט אמר: 
"גבירתי,  איננו יכולים להקים אנדרטה לכל אדם שלמד כאן ונפטר. אם היינו עושים כך, המקום היה נראה כבית קברות".

"הו, לא" הסבירה האישה במהירות "איננו רוצים להקים אנדרטה. חשבנו שאולי אפשרי לתת בנין שלם להרווארד".

נשיא האוניברסיטה , הביט בהם  בזלזול ואמר: "בניין? יש לכם צל של מושג כמה
עולה להקים בניין? השקענו לאחרונה 7.5 מיליון דולר בהקמת הבניין לפיסיקה, כאן בהרווארד".

לרגע שתקה האישה .

 הנשיא נראה מרוצה. (סוף, סוף הוא יוכל להיפטר מהזוג הזה.)

 ואז פנתה האישה לבעלה ואמרה בניחותא:
" זה כל מה שעולה להקים בניין באוניברסיטה? אז למה שלא נקים  אוניברסיטה משלנו?" 
הנהן בעלה בראשו בהסכמה.

 הנשיא נדהם ופניו נפלו במבוכה רבה.

גברת ומר סטאנפורד קמו והלכו לדרכם. הם נסעו לפאלו אלטו, קליפורניה, שם הם הקימו  אוניברסיטה הנושאת את שמם , אוניברסיטת סטאנפורד הידועה ,  כיד זיכרון לבנם.

(סיפור אמיתי - מלקולם פורבס)

  הסיפור מיועד לאלה מביננו הממהרים לשפוט אנשים על-פי המראה החיצוני ...

The officer asked: 'Who will be the enemy?'

The General: 'All indications point to China.'

All the audience is shocked, the officer asks: 'General, we are only 150 million, there are 1,500 million Chinese. Can we win at all?'

The General: 'Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example in the middle east we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.'

After a small pause the officer asked, 'Do we have enough Jews???'

Lesson 1: 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. 

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. 


Lesson 2: 

A priest offered a Nun a lift. 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. 

The priest nearly had an accident. 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. 

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 

The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. 

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' 

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. 


Lesson 3: 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch

 when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. 
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' 
Pooff! She's gone. 

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' 
Pooff! He's gone. 

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. 
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' 

Moral of the story:  Always let your boss have the first say. 


Lesson 4 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 


Lesson 5 

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. 

The dung was actually thawing him out! 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. 
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 


Morals of the story: 
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your 
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep 
your mouth shut! 


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Better than a $1000 day course don't you think? Yes!

תוקן על ידי רציו ב- 04/08/2008 21:52:46

תוקן על ידי רציו ב- 05/09/2008 9:45:04

• You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
• Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
• You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You sell one to overcome debts.
• You worship the other.

PAKISTAN   ECONOMICS

• You dont have any cows.
• You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
• You ask the US for financial aid,
• China for military aid,
• British for Warplanes,
• Italy for machines,
• Germany for technology,
• French for submarines,
• Switzerland for loans,
• Russiafor drugs
• Japan for equipment.
• You buy the cows with all this
• And claim exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
• You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
• You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
• You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You go on * because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• They are both mad.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You don't know where they are.
• You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS

• You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
• You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
• You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
• You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
• You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You have 300 people milking them.
• You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

SINGAPORE   ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• Believe you have a brilliant government
• Need to hire foreign talents to manage your cows
• You lost all your cows.

AFRICAN ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You ride over it bcz you have no transport, you rest on its shadow bcz you have no shelter, you cover behind it bcz you have no security.
• But the cows leave you bcz you never feed them, since you yourselves were not fed since years!

MIDDLE & FAR EAST ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You give permission to US & British to make military bases & protect the cows.
• They kill & eat the cows & return only the bone's, saying it was a mistake & promise to give two F16 fighter jet's in return!

SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS

• You have two cows.
• You exchange them for two Bulls.
• You make one the President and the other the  Prime Minister!
•  They eat the country instead of eating grass.. !!

 פעם אחת הופיע בכפר אדם והודיע לכל תושבי הכפר כי הוא מוכן לקנות כל קוף ב-10$.

 הכפריים, שידעו שיש קופים רבים בסביבתם, יצאו בהמוניהם אל היער והחלו ללכוד אותם.

 האיש קנה מהם אלפי קופים תמורת 10$ לאחד,

 ואולם משהצטמצמה אוכלוסיית הקופים עד כי קשה היה לאתרם, חדלו הכפריים ממאמציהם.

כיוון שכך, הודיע האיש כי מעתה ישלם בעבור כל קוף 20$.

 הודעתו זו חידשה את מאמצי הכפריים והם שבו במרץ למלאכת לכידת הקופים.

אלא שבמהרה אזלה שוב אספקת הקופים והכפריים שבו לעבד את חוותיהם.

האיש העלה את הצעתו ל-25$ ואולם אספקת הקופים הצטמצמה עד למאוד וקשה היה לראות אפילו קוף אחד ביער, שלא לדבר על ללכוד אחד.

האיש הודיע עתה שהוא מוכן לרכוש כל קוף ב-50$, אבל מכיוון שהוא חייב לנסוע העירה לצרכים עסקיים מסוימים,  העוזר שלו ייצג אותו בהעדרו ויבצע את רכישת הקופים מהם.

כשנסע האיש פנה העוזר שלו אל הכפריים ואמר להם "הסתכלו על כל הקופים שבכלוב הענק הזה אותם רכש האיש לאוסף שלו.

 אני אמכור לכם כל אחד תמורת 35$, וכשהבוס שלי ישוב לכאן תוכלו למכור לו אותם תמורת 50$ לראש!".

הכפריים אספו וריכזו את כל חסכונותיהם וקנו מהעוזר את כל אלפי הקופים.

מאז הם לא ראו יותר את האיש או את העוזר שלו. כל מה שראו סביבם היו אלפי הקופים אותם רכשו במיטב כספם.

עכשיו יש לכם הבנה טובה יותר איך עובד שוק המניות.

He left two wills, directing that one be opened immediately upon his passing and the second after the thirty days' stage of mourning.

Among the instructions left in the first will was a request that he be buried with a certain pair of socks that he owned from the time of the holocaust. His children immediately brought the socks to the burial caretakers requesting that their father be buried in them. The caretakers refused arguing that it is against the Jewish law and custom. The case was brought to the local Rabbi who gently explained to the deceased's children that had their father been present now he would have had understood that it is better to be buried without socks so he wouldn't of have made the request.

Thus, he was buried without the socks.

After thirty days, the second will was opened and it read like this:

"Dear children. By now you must have buried me without my socks. I wanted you to truly understand that a man can have a billion dollars, but in the end, he can't even take along one pair of socks!"

The other candidate answers: "Elohénou melekh ha'olam"