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| נשלח ב-31/10/2003 18:11 |
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על מיסים, עניים ועשירים --- שיעור פשוט בכלכלת שוק
את הטקסט סיפרה שרי אריסון, כששהתה עדיין בישראל.
להלן הסבר לשיטת תשלומי מיסים שלנו - בשפה פשוטה, כך שכולם יבינו.
נניח שבכל יום עשרה אנשים יוצאים למסעדה לאכול. החשבון עבור עשרה איש מסתכם ב- 100 שקלים. אם הם משלמים את החשבון באותה צורה שאנו משלמים את המיסים, זה יתחלק בערך כך: ארבעת הראשונים, העניים ביותר, לא ישלמו כלום. החמישי ישלם שקל אחד. השישי - שלושה שקלים. השביעי - שבעה שקלים. השמיני - 12 שקלים.
התשיעי - 18 שקלים. העשירי, העשיר ביותר, ישלם 59 שקלים.
כך הם החליטו לשלם את החשבון. עשרת האנשים אכלו במסעדה יום יום, והיו די מרוצים בסידור זה. עד שיום אחד בא בעל המסעדה ואמר: אתם לקוחות נאמנים וטובים - אז החלטתי לתת לכם הנחה יומית של 20 שקלים, כך שהארוחה עכשיו תעלה רק 80 שקלים.
הקבוצה רוצה להמשיך בתשלום לפי שיטת המיסים שלנו. אזי - ארבעת הראשונים לא הושפעו, והם ימשיכו לאכול בחינם. אבל איך תתחלק ההנחה בין שאר ששת הסועדים? איך הם יחלקו את ההנחה של 20 שקלים, כך שכל אחד יקבל את החלק שלו בצורה הוגנת? האם כל אחד יקבל הנחה של 3.33 שקלים (20/6)? אם יחלקו כך, הרי
שהאיש החמישי והשישי יצטרכו לקבל כסף כדי שיאכלו.
לפיכך החליט בעל המסעדה, שאת ההנחה הם יחלקו כפי שחילקו קודם את החשבון: האיש החמישי - יאכל בחינם, השישי ישלם שני שקלים. השביעי ישלם חמישה שקלים. השמיני ישלם תשעה שקלים. התשיעי ישלם 12 שקלים והעשירי ישלם 52 שקלים (במקום 59).
המצב שנוצר עכשו (כמובן) היה יותר טוב עבור כל איש ואיש מששת הסועדים מאשר היה קודם, וכל אחד שילם פחות מאשר קודם. ארבעת הראשונים המשיכו לאכול בחינם.
אך בצאתם מהמסעדה התחילו הסועדים להשוות את ההנחה שקיבלו. האיש השישי אמר: "אני קיבלתי רק שקל אחד מ- 20 השקלים של ההנחה, בעוד שהוא (והצביע על העשירי) קיבל שבעה שקלים מתוך 20 השקלים". האיש החמישי! (זה האוכל עכשיו חינם) אמר "כן , זה נכון, אני חסכתי רק שקל אחד, בעוד שהוא (והצביע על העשירי) חסך פי שבעה ממני, זה ממש לא פייר". האיש השביעי צעק "זה נכון, למה הוא צריך לקבל שבעה שקלים בחזרה ואני רק שניים? עשירים מקבלים תמיד את כל ההטבות!"
"רגע אחד", צעקו ארבעת הסועדים הראשונים, "אנחנו לא קיבלנו כלום בכלל. תמיד השיטה דופקת את העניים".
תשעת האנשים הקיפו את האיש העשירי, והחטיפו לו מכות.
למחרת הוא לא הופיע לסעודה, כך שתשעת הסועדים האחרים החליטו לשבת ולאכול בלעדיו. אבל ברגע שהם באו לשלם את החשבון, הם גילו משהו מאד מאד חשוב: היו חסרים להם 52 שקלים...
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| נשלח ב-9/11/2003 13:46 |
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 מצורף קובץRELIGIOUS MERGER CREATES 900 MILLION HINJEWS
Attainment of Nirvana Still Goal, But Not So Important
That You Should Miss Cousin Vijay's Bar Mitzvah
New Delhi, India (HinJewTimes.com) Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.
"On paper, this was a textbook alliance two smaller competitors join forces to take on a larger adversary," said New Delhi resident Chandra Gopan. "But the synergies are just not there. For instance, I still believe I must pursue my own dharmic path to ultimate happiness, but when I get there, I just know my mother will find something wrong with it."
Military officers, in particular, have found assimilation difficult. "We were all excited at first, especially about the Kama Sutra parts, but it's not going to work," Israeli Col. Benyamin Telluk said at a joint press conference with Indian officers. "I mean, just this morning, I was showing Col. Bhadrak here pictures of my family, and he said my wife was a cow."
"I said his wife reminds me of a cow," Bhadrak explained.
"Oh, you've said it again!" screamed Telluk.
"It's a compliment!" answered Bhadrak.
Hinjews across the world, meanwhile, said they also were too busy dealing with integration to worry about Pakistanis, Palestinians, or any other opponents.
"Surprisingly, it's not the big issues, like is there one God or are there many? It's the little things," said New York City Hinjew Nathan Feldman. "Like my Hindu half acknowledges that this world is full of suffering, but my Jewish half just goes on and on about it."
SO, WHAT'S WRONG WITH A NICE HINJEW GIRL?
However, most agreed that even if other issues could be overcome, maternal obstacles to Hinjuism would always exist.
"Yesterday, my former self was killed in a car accident," said the late Gori Bhupendra of Madras. "But I had good karma, so I was reincarnated this morning into the Vaisya caste. To me, this is a step up, right?"
But then Bhupendra's former Sudras mother tracked him down.
"She says, 'Oh, Vaisya now, is it? Very nice. Of course, your former brother is a Ksatriya, but he was always an overachiever.'"
Meanwhile, Muslim nations, citing the difficult Hinjew merger, said they have discontinued talks with the world's largest religion to form Chrislam.
"It wouldn't have worked anyway," said Imam Satra Mohammed of Damascus. "The first time we drank the communion wine, we would have all had to kill ourselves."
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| נשלח ב-10/11/2003 15:24 |
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The Book Has the Answer
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He he doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit. The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."
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| נשלח ב-10/11/2003 15:28 |
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Working With God
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
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| נשלח ב-10/11/2003 15:31 |
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Rabbi Bloom's Kitten
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Bloom's kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn't come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it - "Here kitty kitty," he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then placed his pet's basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution.
He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn't reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
Rabbi Bloom immediately went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become good company.
Some days later, he met Freda in the deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats.
"Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked.
"You won't believe me, Rabbi," she replied. "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the sky ..."
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| נשלח ב-16/11/2003 19:40 |
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SECRET INTERNATIONAL JEWISH CONSPIRACY LLP
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC 20500
( www.sijcllp.com)
Memo To: All Members
From: Kohein Gadol
Date: October 27, 2003
With the holidays of Sukkos and Simchas Torah now over, we can all get back to the ongoing task of controlling the world's economy, media, water and food supply (to name only a few of our key interests).
Many of you have spoken to me about being troubled by having our international conspiracy exposed by the recent remarks of the outgoing Prime Minister of Malaysia, Mahathir Mohamad. Let me remind you that it was our brilliant strategy to give him the soapbox (in English, no less) at the Islamic Conference in Kuala Lumpur (which we, of course, also control) so that world democratic leaders under our control would condemn his comments. This would therefore convince people that his statements were false, and deflect attention from Iraq's democratization, so that we could go back to our business of running the world without undue attention.
Now, some of you may ask why we would go to the trouble of allowing Mr. Mohamad to "expose" our venture in the first place, and should have just left things alone. That approach, is too simple and not worthy of our International Conspiracy methodology. We're Jews, things have to be complex and convoluted, or they don't work properly (I refer you to The Manual, Chapter One, Prime Directive 12).
As an example, let me illustrate this with some other of our ventures.
International Media. (Project #1249) - Since we control virtually every major daily newspaper and syndicated news service, including the major US and European television and radio networks, it is only natural that Jews and Israeli get consistently negative coverage and blame for all the ills of the world. Of course, this is the deliberate smokescreen we need - people would only naturally think that these media would support Jews since they are controlled by us.
UN General Assembly and Security Council (Project #2564) - Here again, since we fund the majority of the nation members, as well as the bureaucracy (not to mention holding the lease to the Headquarters building in New York and other facilities in Geneva, The Hague, etc), we deliberately allow most Muslim and Third World dictatorship nations to consistent heap abuse on Israel, while ignoring the human rights failings of most member nations. Of course, in order to make it appear not so totally one-sided, we let the US have a veto on the Security Council, and allow Micronesia and a few other countries support Israel against the lopsided Muslim/Third World bloc voting. I am sure you would agree that the strategy is indeed brilliant, since it convincingly hides our efforts. In particularly, giving Syria membership on the Security Council and Libya chairmanship of the Human Rights Commission is a perfect smokescreen for our efforts.
The Israeli Economy (Project #4385) - One would logically think that, if Jews are so smart and skilled in business, if you had a whole country full of them, that country would be the Singapore of the Middle East. The fact that the current Israeli Economic Recession (Project #5437) is as profound as it is, (due to the impact of the post-September 11 world recession, high-tech meltdown, and the Palestinian Intifada) is a brilliant mask for its behind-the-scenes success. Much credit should be given to the Histadrut for making the Recession even worse that it is by calling for another General Strike. Both the world and Israelis are now convinced that the country is in its worst recession ever, when in fact, it is showing its best economic year ever.
I could go on, but I think I've already said too much Finally, I would like you to pass the message on to the Pope and Queen Elizabeth that their sales quotas from the international illicit drug trade are slightly down. Frankly, we really don't want to hear excuses from them about the impact of the Canadians legalizing marijuana. We fully expect them to meet quota and revenue streams by year-end. Or else.
Again, you must delete or shred this document immediately. Do not pass it on to anyone, including non-Jews or other puppets we control. See you at tonight's board meeting at the usual location, and please be on time - we have a lot to cover on the agenda. Don't forget to bring the danishes and those chocolate mini-croissants. You know how Elvis, JFK and those Roswell guys love them.
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| נשלח ב-18/11/2003 07:51 |
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Subject: SOME STUDY CASE =WITTY WORDINGS
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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| נשלח ב-20/11/2003 00:24 |
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B'reishis - In the beginning
Noach Lech - Noach went
Vayeiro Chayai Soroh - And he saw Chaya Soroh
Toldos - He checked out the yichus
Vayeitzei - They went out
Vayishlach - Things didn't work out so they sent each other away
Vayeishev - The Shadchan intervened and they returned to each other
Mikeitz - In the end
Vayigash - They got close
Vaychi - They lived happily ever after
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| נשלח ב-21/11/2003 19:38 |
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[שמאל]Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right - including me.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no matter how hard she tried she could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer.
(Scroll Down)
Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly - good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my email list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.
Had she had a yiddishe cup, she would of had arranged a fake funeral!
תוקן על ידי - עצור_כאן - 09/09/2005 15:02:59
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| נשלח ב-8/12/2003 04:24 |
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>Subject: Quick Test
>
>
>Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) questions. You have to
>answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them
>immediately.
>
>OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.
>
>Ready?
>
>
>GO!!! (scroll down)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>First Question:
> >You are participating in a race.. You overtake the second person.
>What
> >position are you in?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
>wrong!
> >
> >If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are
>second!
> >
> >
> >Try not to mess up in the next question.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for
>the
> >first question.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
> >again. Tell me, how can YOU overtake the LAST person?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >You're not very good at this are you?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head
> >only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
> >another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is
> >the total?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Scroll down for answer.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
> >Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
> >
> >
> >Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question
> >right?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4.
>Nono.
> >
> >What is the name of the fifth daughter?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the
>question
> >again .
> >
> >KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN YOUR LIFE!
>
>
>
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| נשלח ב-11/12/2003 07:35 |
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Please read and become enlightened.
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure.
Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts,
forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free, with a donation from either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel
(especially in Florida) or any other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same
theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's
eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewellery, perfume,
stereos...Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the
collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to
spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye
Faithful....Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of
cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive
moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Non~Jewish Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah........Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver gifts to their children, during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift, on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy -to- pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta??? whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph,
Bubela, snap out of it...
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think about observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family.
Tickets .........a "mere" $200 per person.
Better stick with Chanukah!
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