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| נשלח ב-12/3/2004 04:57 |
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''If absence makes the heart grow fonder,'' said a minister, ''a lot of folks must really love our church.''
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| נשלח ב-12/3/2004 04:59 |
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Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?
A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, ''You're done…you're done…you're done…''
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| נשלח ב-14/3/2004 02:42 |
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A Fruitful Confession
Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery."
The priest says, "Was it with Brigitte O'Hara?"
Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I can't tell you who it was with."
So the priest says, "I'll bet it was with Mary O'Houlihan, the hussy!"
Paddy says, "I'm sorry Father, but I really can't tell you who it was."
The priest says, "Was it that Rose O'Connell?"
And Paddy responds, "I've told you already Father, I can't reveal who it was."
So the priest says, "You're a wicked man Paddy O'Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don't let me hear that you've transgressed again!"
As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says, "Paddy! How are you doin'? Is it the Church you'll be coming from?"
And Paddy says, "Aye Seamus, I've just been to confession."
"How was it?"
Paddy says, "Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads!"
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| נשלח ב-16/3/2004 18:12 |
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Odd Rabbi Out
These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
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| נשלח ב-25/3/2004 06:42 |
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Life Is Like a Fountain
The rabbinical student is about to leave for America. When he asks his mentor for advice, the rabbi offers an adage that, he tells the student, will guide him for the rest of his life. "Always remember," the rabbi said sagely, "life is like a fountain."
Deeply impressed by his teacher's wisdom, the student departs for a successful career in America.
Thirty years later, he learns that the rabbi is dying, so he returns for a final visit.
"Rabbi," he says, "I have one question. For 30 years, whenever I was sad or confused, I thought about the phrase you passed on to me, and it has helped me through many difficult times. But to be perfectly frank, I have never understood the full meaning of it. Now that you are about to enter the realm of truth, tell me, dear rabbi, why is life like a fountain?"
Wearily, the old man replied, "All right, so it's not like a fountain."
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| נשלח ב-30/3/2004 16:33 |
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איש זקן בפיניקס מתקשר לבנו בניו יורק ואומר: "ממש חבל לי להרוס לך את היום,
אבל אני חייב לספר לך שאמא שלך ואני מתגרשים.
ארבעים וחמש שנות סבל וייסורים זה בהחלט מספיק".
"אבא, על מה אתה מדבר?" הוא צורח.
"אנחנו כבר לא מסוגלים להסתכל האחד על השנייה" האיש הזקן אומר.
"נמאס לנו מהיחסים שלנו, ולי נמאס לדבר על זה, אז תתקשר לאחותך בשיקגו וספר לה"
וניתק את הטלפון.
פרדי, הבן מתקשר לאחותו שמתפוצצת בטלפון "נראה להם?!?!?!? נראה להם שהם מתגרשים?!" היא צועקת "אני אטפל בזה".
היא מתקשרת לאבא שלה מיד וצועקת עליו "אתם לא מתגרשים! אתה שומע? אל תעשו שום דבר עד שאני מגיעה לשם.
אני מתקשרת בחזרה לפרדי ושנינו נהיה שם מחר.
עד אז, אל תעשו כלום. שמעת אותי?" ומנתקת.
האיש הזקן מנתק את הטלפון ומסתובב לאשתו "טוב" הוא אומר "הם באים לפסח ומשלמים בעצמם את כרטיסי הטיסה".
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| נשלח ב-4/4/2004 02:12 |
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If the Passover Story Were Reported by The New York Times or CNN or BBC
By Daniel P. Waxman
The cycle of violence between the Jews & the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.
Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you,"complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me."
While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society."
Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower God.
The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac. Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.
The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues." The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.
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| נשלח ב-10/4/2004 21:10 |
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Dear Spike
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter
to break off her
engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo,
and pierced nose. I now
realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and
I really should not
have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have
never held a job. I am
sure, too, that some other very nice people live under
the bridge in the
park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you
instead of going to
Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you
can't learn everything
about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward
I can be. I was
wrong. I was a fool I have now come to my senses and
you have my full
blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely, Your future father-in-law
P.S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery
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| נשלח ב-30/4/2004 08:11 |
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WOMEN ...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
>
>She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
>
>She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.
>
>She picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer.
>
>She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
>
>She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair.
>
>She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.
>
>Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.
>
>Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
>
>"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked.
>
>She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
>
>In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.
>
>She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
>
>About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought.
>
>Anything extraordinary here?
>
>Wonder why women live longer...?
>
>'CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL ......(and we can't die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)
Why Men Are Just Happier People
>
>
> What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your
> last
> name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
> plans take
> care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
>
> You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You
> can
> wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear
> NO T-shirt
> to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
> The world is
> your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
> station
> restroom because this one is just too icky. You
> don't have to
> stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
>
> Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.
> Wedding
> dress $5000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at
> your
> chest when you're talking to them. The occasional
> well-
> rendered belch is practically expected.
>
> New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
> One mood -
> all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30
> seconds flat.
> You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation
> requires only
> one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You
> get extra
> credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If
> someone
> forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your
> friend. Your
> underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of
> shoes are
> more than enough. You almost never have strap
> problems in
> public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your
> clothes.
>
> Everything on your face stays its original color.
> The same
> hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only
> have to
> shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all
> your life.
> Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet
> and one pair
> of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear
> shorts no
> matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
> with a
> pocketknife.
>
> You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
> mustache.
> You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
> December
> 24th in 25 minutes.
>
> No wonder men are happier!
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| נשלח ב-2/5/2004 02:30 |
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איכות השירות בבית חולים
אשה מתקשרת לבי"ח מקומי אומרת "שלום, אני רוצה לדבר עם האדם שיכול לתת מידע בנוגע לחולים שלכם.
הקול בצד השני של הקו אמר, "מה השם ומספר החדר של החולה?"
האשה : "שרה פינקל, בחדר 302"
רק רגע, "אני אעביר אותך לתחנת האחיות".
"תחנת האחיות , איך אני יכולה לעזור לך?"
האשה : "שלום, אני רוצה לדעת את המצב של שרה פינקל בחדר 302",
אחות: "רק רגע, תני לי להסתכל על הגיליון שלה". "או כן, גברת פינקל בסדר גמור. היא אכלה שתי ארוחות מלאות,
לחץ הדם שלה בסדר, ובדיקת הדם שלה יצאה בסדר. הולכים להוריד לה את המוניטור של הלב עוד כמה שעות
אם היא תמשיך להראות השתפרות, וד"ר כהן הולך לשלוח אותה הבייתה ביום שלישי ב-12."
האשה: "תודה לאל! זה נפלא, חדשות נהדרות! כל כך הוקל לי!".
האחות: "מההתלהבות שלך אני מבינה שאת משפחה או חברה קרובה מאוד!".
"לא בדיוק," אמרה האשה, "אני שרה פינקל מחדר 302 ואף אחד פה לא אומר לי כלום!"
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