|
|
| נשלח ב-19/7/2004 15:43 |
 |
| |
בלגן בכתיבה- עברית. (קריאה לוגית). יפה
זה באמת עובד......תראו בעצמכם
בעקובת מקחר שנשעה באוניבסטירת אנגילת, זה לא מנשה באזיה סדר אתה כתוב את האותוית כל עוד האות הרשואנה והארוחנה בקמום הכנון. השאר יוכל ליוהת בגלן שלם ואתה עיידן יוכל לרקוא בלי ביעה. זאת בלגל שנאו לא קוארים כל אות בעמצה אלא את כל המליה עם ההקשר ההגיוני שלה.
נמחד לא?
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-19/7/2004 17:19 |
|
| |
>
>
>
> למי שצריך לכתוב קורות חיים יש לי בשבילכם דוגמה איך צריך לכתוב.
>
>
>
> בעולם התחרותי של היום, כל מי שמחפש משרה חדשה חייב להציג רזומה מרשים במיוחד. קורות חיים עשירים ומעוררי סקרנות יכולים להשיג לך את המשרה הראויה. אבל מה לעשות שרובנו בטלנים, וחוץ מלשכב בבית וללחוץ על השלט לא עשינו הרבה בשנים האחרונות. מאחר שברזומה אסור לשקר, מצבנו על הפנים. אבל אל ייאוש! מדריך זה יראה לך מיד איך כל פעולה, ולו השטותית ביותר, עשויה להיות שורה מרשימה ברזומה שלך.
>
>
>
> בחיים
> ברזומה
>
> הייתי שליח על וספה בפיצה
> שימשתי ראש מחלקת היסעים במפעל מזון מרכזי בגוש דן
>
> הייתי מובטל
> הייתי ממונה על בדיקת השירות ללקוח במשרד העבודה - שירות התעסוקה
>
> הייתי שיכור חסר תקנה
> ערכתי מחקר על ההשפעות ההרסניות של חומרים אלכוהוליים על הכבד
>
> הלכתי כל בוקר לים
> שימשתי שגריר ישראל בחוף הילטון
>
> ישבתי בבית כלא בעוון נהיגה במהירות מופרזת בשיכרות
> הייתי שותף במאמץ המשטרתי במאבק בתאונות הדרכים
>
> ניסיתי לעבור שוב ושוב את בחינת הבגרות בלשון
> הייתי בין מגבשי ומגישי הדוח לצמצום בחינות הבגרות לשר החינוך
>
> הייתי זונה
> פיקחתי אישית על אגף ההכנסות של כמה מהגופים הבולטים במשק
>
> הייתה לי נזלת נוראית ולא הפסקתי להשתעל.
> הייתי בין האחראים לקידום ולעידוד צריכת נייר הטואלט בארץ
>
> תפסו אותי משתין לתוך הכינרת
> פעלתי להעלאת מפלס הכינרת בשנים מעוטות משקעים
>
> הפסדתי את כל הוני במשחקי קלפים ומזלות
> הייתי מעורב בלגליזציה של שוק ההימורים בארץ
>
> עשיתי ניתוח להגדלת חזה
> פעלתי רבות להרחבת ההתעניינות בפעילות הנשים בארץ
>
> חייתי על חשבון אמא ואבא, עד שהם נפטרו והורישו את כל הונם לכלב
> סעדתי זוג קשישים שהקדישו את חייהם לטיפול בחיית הבית.
>
> הייתי מוליכה כלבים של אנשים אחרים לעשות קקי בגינה
> הייתי ממקימי ומפקחי המערכת להגברת הדישון של הגינות והמדרכות הציבוריות בתל אביב וסביבתה
>
> הייתי באוברדרפט
> הייתי בין מגבשי התכנית לפעילות כלכלית בתנאי משק קשים
>
> בהיתי בשעון בחוסר מעש
> הייתי מבין המפקחים על המעבר התקין משעון קיץ לשעון חורף
>
> סתם שכבתי על הגב וראיתי איך הימים עוברים להם לאט לאט
> עסקתי בהיערכות לקראת העשור הקרוב
 |
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-30/7/2004 00:44 |
|
| |
Subject: Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
הנושא: מתמטיקה
מתמטיקה של רומן
גבר פיקח + אישה פיקחית = רומן
גבר פיקח + אישה טיפשה = סטוץ
גבר טיפש + אישה פיקחית = נישואין
גבר טיפש + אישה טיפשה = הריון
מתמטיקה של המשרד
בוס פיקח + עובד פיקח = רווח
בוס פיקח + עובד טיפש = ייצור
בוס טיפש + עובד פיקח = קידום
בוס טיפש + עובד טיפש = שעות נוספות
מתמטיקה של קניות
גבר ישלם 2$ עבור פריט השווה 1$ כשהוא זקוק לו.
אישה תשלם 1$ עבור פריט השווה 2$ שאינה זקוקה לו.
נוסחאות כלליות וסטטיסטיקות
אישה מודאגת לגבי העתיד עד שהיא תופסת בעל.
גבר לעולם אינו דואג לגבי העתיד עד שהוא מתחתן.
גבר מצליח הוא זה שמשתכר יותר משאישתו מצליחה לבזבז.
אישה מצליחה היא זו המוצאת גבר כזה.
אושר
כדי להיות מאושרת עם גבר את צריכה הרבה הבנה ומעט אהבה.
כדי להיות מאושר עם אישה צריך הרבה לאהוב אותה ולא להשתדל להבין אותה.
אורך חיים
גברים נשואים חיים יותר מגברים לא נשואים אולם גברים נשואים מוכנים הרבה יותר למות.
נטייה לשינויים
אישה נישאת לגבר בציפייה שהוא ישתנה – אבל הוא לא.
גבר נישא לאישה בציפייה שלא תשתנה – אבל היא כן.
שיטות ויכוח
לאישה תמיד יש את המילה האחרונה בכל ויכוח.
כל דבר שגבר אומר אחרי כן הוא תחילתו של ויכוח חדש.
איך לגרום שאנשים יפסיקו להטרידך שתתחתן
דודות זקנות תמיד היו באות אלי בחתונות, תוקעות אצבע בצלעותיי ואומרות "עכשיו תורך".
ההטרדה הפסיקה מאז התחלתי לעשות להן אותו דבר בלוויות
שלח מכתב זה לאישה פיקחית אותה תרצה לשעשע או לגבר שאתה חושב שיוכל להבין זאת
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-19/8/2004 23:48 |
|
| |
Subject: A Poem For Computer Users Over 40
A computer was something on TV
>From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
No one's been killed in a computer crash
But it makes their face turn red!
|
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-30/8/2004 09:58 |
|
| |
And God Created Dog and Cat
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to 'Where do pets come from?'
Adam said, 'Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.'
And God said 'No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.'
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.'
And the Lord said, 'No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-30/8/2004 10:01 |
|
| |
A Grave Tragedy
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... "My wife's first husband."
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-30/8/2004 12:01 |
|
| |
When Life Begins
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
"Guess Which One I'm Going to Marry"
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
An Ideal Marriage
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 12/09/2004 12:37:33
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-12/9/2004 12:04 |
|
| |
A Lawyer and the Pope Die and Go to Heaven…
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"
The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
A Lawyer, a Rabbi, and a Hindu
A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"
That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Shhhh!
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 12/09/2004 12:33:15
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-12/9/2004 12:05 |
|
| |
God's Gift to Adam
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-12/9/2004 12:07 |
|
| |
Poor Attendance
Preacher: "How come I never see you in church anymore, Morris?"
Morris: "There are too many hypocrites there, Reverend."
Preacher: "Don't worry, Morris; there's always room for one more."
Future Minister
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen."
תוקן על ידי - עצור_כאן - 04/11/2005 22:17:56
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-12/9/2004 12:09 |
|
| |
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read: "Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise $300.
A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through the post office they deduct $200."
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-12/9/2004 12:14 |
|
| |
Two Women at the Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-12/9/2004 12:20 |
|
| |
Nuns at the Hospital
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A Prayer for Dinner Parties
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.
The child bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Undercover Clergy
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 04/02/2005 18:19:42
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-12/9/2004 12:23 |
|
| |
On Fire!
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
|
|
|
|
|
