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| נשלח ב-12/9/2004 12:24 |
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Turbulent Times
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."
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| נשלח ב-26/9/2004 07:34 |
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Marriage Rules
Rule 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are thunder and
lightning.
Rule 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
Rule 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Rule 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Rule 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing:.......Either the car is new or the wife is.
Rule 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.
Rule 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Rule 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and
a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Rule 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
Rule 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished..
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| נשלח ב-26/9/2004 07:53 |
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Shark!
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
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| נשלח ב-26/9/2004 08:02 |
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Jonah's Fate
After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.
Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"
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| נשלח ב-13/10/2004 22:12 |
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Three Proofs that Jesus Was...
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories/He never held a steady job.
He loved green pastures/His last request was a drink.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual/He was always in troubles with the law.
He was always being harassed by the authorities/His mother didn't know who his father was.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel/He had no permanent address.
He couldn't get a fair trial/Nobody would hire him.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
תוקן על ידי - עצור_כאן - 19/09/2006 9:16:11
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| נשלח ב-31/10/2004 09:24 |
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Confucius say, "When you are angry at neighbor, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes!"
Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.
______
What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
תוקן על ידי - עצור_כאן - 19/09/2006 8:37:23
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| נשלח ב-7/11/2004 17:18 |
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By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.
The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."
And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
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| נשלח ב-9/11/2004 13:32 |
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Quite a Son-in-Law
A Jewish girl brings her fiancΘ home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancΘ to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancΘ.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancΘ.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancΘ insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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| נשלח ב-9/11/2004 13:34 |
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A Faithful Woman
An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"
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| נשלח ב-17/11/2004 10:20 |
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האבולוציה של האלוקים/מאמר (שינפלד)
http://hydepark.co.il/hydepark/topic.asp?topic_id=822969
Thanks to Linkzetzer
The founder of our religion
Abraham was born and grew up in a very religiously observant home and environment. Since childhood, he was taught that it is forbidden to ask questions. "The idols have eyes but cannot see?!" he wondered. The reply came: "This is a higher spiritual phenomenon!". "Who created the idols?" - "They always existed!". "One prays to the idols, but it doesn't always help?" - "One cannot understand everything!".
Abraham had to feed the idols trice daily. His Teacher explained to him that if he will not serve the idols, they will punish him. Abraham, however, did not let himself be fooled. He realized that his father's religion was fake. At that time, internet discussion forums did not exist yet, so he discussed issues that were important to him, with his fathers' customers. After a while he came to the conclusion that he was not alone with his skeptical ideas.
One day while he was alone at home, he destroyed his fathers' idols. Terach, his father, came home and was totally shocked by what he saw. He immediately tore his garment [kriya] as the law prescribes for whomever witnesses such desecration of the gods. He tried to interrogate Abraham about the circumstances that caused the terrible occurrence, but Abraham cleverly got his father to admit that even he doesn't really know how the idols are capable of doing anything. Terach took Abraham to the Rabbi, but Abraham had no special respect for the Rabbi and he admonished the Rabbi for his hypocrisy.
Ur Kasdim was a city of strictly religious people. A metropolis of Kesed, the Jerusalem of the Middle East. The city was a fortress of faith, hermetically sealed from the heretical notions that hovered above the winds that were blowing from the Egyptian culture. The city was supervised and guarded by zealots and caretakers who watched that no home of ours ["mishelanu"] should be infiltrated by the influence of negative vistas.
Obviously, the whole city participated at the funeral for the pieces of the broken idols. Nimrod cried very much in his eulogy. He claimed that now can one understand why do so many troubles like; hunger, sickness and floods afflict the city. This is no wonder if for a long period of time already an inciter [maysis umadiach] influences the people and spoils them while nothing is done to stop him. The situation is so bad, said Nimrod, that it reached the point that in such a holy place, "the King's palace" [paltrin shel melech], as the ultra religious city of Ur Kasdim was called, our holiest has been so lowly desecrated. Especially that this was done by one from among our own [avrech mishelanu].
That tragedy created an atmosphere of great awakening. Everybody took upon himself to mend his ways and improve whatever has to be improved particularly in the area of serving the gods. The people assembled and decided that Abraham should be persecuted and thrown out. Some say that they even wanted to burn him. Abraham did not "lick any chocolate". His family had to emigrate towards Canaan out of utter shame.
Abraham changed his name and traveled to a foreign country. He had no knowledge of neither the people nor the language, but he could live as he wished and believe in the conclusions that he reached through his reflections.
This was Abraham our forefather. We can only strive to reach the talons of his camels. Despite that we do not have the courage to go out against the religion of the community, we can nevertheless fight its' kind of idolatry under the wonderful protection of the net's virtuality without having to lie to ourselves like the rest of the community.
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 29/11/2004 11:14:23
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| נשלח ב-29/11/2004 11:15 |
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Received from Veto
Reprinted with permission from Yosid For the Chosid
Many years ago, in a far away country, there was a well known rabbi who was consulted on all sorts of matters relating to the Jewish people. His wise counsel was sought from people of all walks of life, and his decisions were accepted by the community at large, as they understood that his rulings and pronouncements were divinely inspired.
So when one time he met with some parents of his students, and a few mothers complained that their children were not making their beds, he assured them that he would deal with the matter. That week, in his public address to his students, he mentioned that the students should always make sure to make their beds in the morning. When the person transcribing the speech wrote up his review of the talk, he made sure to emphasize the rabbi's intention. He wrote, "The Rosh Yeshiva today ruled that one is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning." Word spread fast. The halacha had been established: One was obligated to make their bed.
Later that day, someone came to the Rosh Yeshiva and asked, "I don't have time to make my bed before I go to davening. By the time I get back my mother is gone for the day so she doesn't think I make my bed, and isn't pleased. What should I do?" After hearing the answer that was given, the halacha was suitably amended to say that the bed should be made as soon as one gets up. "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, as soon as he gets up."
The next day, he was approached by a bochur that wanted to know, "When you said 'as soon as he gets up', do you mean immediately - right when one steps out of the bed - or is one allowed some time first?
So they added to the text: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, soon after he gets up."
"How long soon after?" he was immediately asked. "How much time exactly?"
10-15 minutes, he replied, figuring that's a reasonable amount of time. And so it was added: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up." The bochurim found this to be a satisfactory resolution, but unsurprisingly, it resulted in some bochurim insisting that it should be made by 10 minutes, and others saying it was fine to wait even 15 minutes. After some time, they settled on an unofficial resolution by considering 10 minutes to be the first zman, and 15 minutes the second zman.
Things went along smoothly until one day a bochur came over and explained to him a problem he had run into. "My roommate doesn't like the way I make my bed! He claims it's not really made!" "What do you mean?", asked the Rosh Yeshiva. "Well, he claims that for a bed to be considered 'made' the pillow needs to be on top and the sides need to be even or tucked in, and I just lay out the cover on top, covering everything, however it comes out. What should I do?" The Rosh Yeshiva mulled this over for a while, and replied: You're allowed to make it however your family does it. What's acceptable to your mother (or father) is acceptable here. Hakol k'minhago. An addition was added to the halacha: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up. The manner of making the bed should be done according to one's established minhag."
(Later that week when the bochurim went home for the weekend, many parents were somewhat confused when they were asked by their sons, "What is the minhag of our family of how to make our beds?", but they figured it was all part of the tremendous spiritual growth they could see in their young bnei torah.)
One morning a few weeks later, as shacharis was beginning, the Rosh Yeshiva was notified about an argument that had broken out between 2 bochurim. Approaching their room, he heard loud shouting through the closed door. As he entered, he found one of the bochurim vehemently yelling at the other. Seeing him come in, the young man turned to him and exclaimed loudly,
"Rebbe! I'm so glad you're here! I tried to get him to make his bed but he wouldn't listen! He just ignored me, and now it's 5 minutes after the zman, and look - his bed is still not made!"
Before the Rosh Yeshiva had a chance to respond, the other bochur quickly spoke up in his defense, "That's not true. I only got out of bed 2 minutes ago! I still have 8 minutes until the zman!"
"Yes, he only got out of bed 2 minutes ago. But he woke up 20 minutes ago! That means he should have made his bed 10 minutes ago!"
It was clear that there needed to be some clarification: When the psak was issued that a bed must be made 10-15 minutes after getting up, did 'after getting up' mean after waking up ('m'sha'as kumuso') or did it mean after getting out of bed ('m'sha'as yitziaso')? At this point a small crowd had gathered around the room and a vociferous discussion had broken out. Everyone started buzzing, talking, sharing their thoughts of why it meant this interpretation and not the other one. Realizing what was happening, the Rosh Yeshiva put an abrupt stop to it all by loudly demanding that everyone should immediately go to davening and they would deal with it later on.
By lunchtime that day the Rosh Yeshiva had still not addressed the burning issue and a fierce debate had already broken out in the halls of the yeshiva. Even the rabbeim had gotten involved. Some felt that the halacha had to mean from when a person got out of bed, because as they explained, "if it meant 'from when he woke up' then the first thing he would have to do upon awaking would be to look at his clock and remember the time. But this can't be, because we all know that the first thing a person must do when he wakes up is say 'modeh ani'. Therefore it must mean 'from when he gets out of bed'." In spite of this convincing logic others still held it was better to be machmir and go by from when a person wakes up and not to wait until he gets out of bed. They pointed out that all that was needed to avoid the above-mentioned conflict was to first say modeh ani and then subtract 15 seconds from whenever he first looks at the clock. "But not all clocks have second hands on them," countered the first opinion, "and besides, it is too easy to forget the exact time including the seconds." The machmirim had a ready response: "Firstly, someone who cares about the halacha properly can make sure to have a clock with seconds on it, and secondly, he should also have a paper and pen next to his clock so he can mark down the proper time, in order to avoid the chance of forgetting it."
Seeing that positions had already been staked out in this dispute, the Rosh Yeshiva decided not to voice his own opinion and instead told everyone to go by whatever their rebbe held.
Unfortunately, this had the effect of causing a lot of machlokes in the school as some people didn't agree with their rabbeim, and resented being forced out of their beds sooner than they preferred. The problems were soon settled when a young illuy came up with an ingenious solution. He pointed out that even though someone had woken up, if they had in mind that they were sleeping it was like they actually were, since 'machshava k'ma'ase'. Although his reasoning was roundly rejected by many others, it satisfied those lazier bochurim and they let the matter slide. No one was much surprised at their reaction, as these sorts of students had already demonstrated their laxity of the halacha when it was realized that they were deliberately getting dressed while still sitting in their bed, in order to give themselves more time until the zman of 'when you get up' would commence (according to the shita of m'sha'as yitziaso).
For a brief while the yeshiva had some complaints from bochurim who wanted to switch rooms because their roommates were not keeping what they felt was the right zman for making their beds. Already very disturbed by the problems that the previous issue had caused and not wanting to cause any more machlokes in the yeshiva, the Rosh Yeshiva wisely dealt with the problem by declaring that if anyone was concerned about another not making the zman, they were allowed to make the other persons bed for them, as long as the first one had da'as that the other would be yotzei for himself. He also said that the person making the bed didn't have to specific da'as because obviously if he was making it he had da'as to do such a thing. Despite that, it wasn't uncommon to hear people loudly declaring, "Have in mind to be yotzei so-and-so when making his bed!"
Some months after the initial psak was issued, an enterprising bochur started selling a unique clock that had a special alarm. The alarm would wake you up, and when you pushed the right button it would turn off and ring 9 minutes later to remind you that you had 1 minute left to make your bed. He actually also made a second one that gave you 14 minutes instead of 9, but no one bought it since they felt it was better not to be meikel.
Another issue that the yeshiva had to resolve was that according to the opinions that one must make their beds from when they first woke up, what was to be done if someone fell asleep again shortly after waking up? After much learned discussion it was decided that falling back asleep wasn't a problem, and the zman only started after the real, final waking up. This was derived from the situation of if one woke up in the middle of the night: Was he then obligated to make his bed shortly after? For a brief time, some people in the yeshiva began to follow this custom. But when the Rosh Yeshiva ruled that it wasn't necessary, they understood from that that the zman only began after the last, real waking up.
These events all occurred many, many years ago, and boruch hashem nowadays it isn't as heated an issue as it once was. Everyone understands and accepts the principles of eilu v'eilu divrei Elokim chaim, minhag avoseinu b'yadeinu, ba'al nefesh yachmir, and shomer p'saim hashem. Each person has a tradition or chumra that he's entitled to follow. In addition, there have been many wonderful books written on this subject, most recently Artscroll's splendid translation of Hilchos Ish U'Mitoso, which sheds much light on this subject for the average layman (also available in a laminated, newly type-set, pocket edition that one can keep by their bed!). However, legend has it that if you go to this yeshiva and poke in on some of the rooms, you'll still occasionally find a bochur here and there that tries to be extra zahir in this inyan and - even on a cold winter night - will sleep on top of his carefully made blanket so that he never will - chas v'chalila! - find his bed unmade past the proper zman!
"Ratzah hakadosh baruch hu l'zakos es yisroel, l'fichach hirba lahem torah u'mitzvos!"
"To receive a laminated, large print edition of the special tefila to say before making your bed, please send a fax to 1800-BE-ZAHIR with your proper mailing address and we will be glad to send you one free of charge.
''This publication is in memory of Masha Mushka bas Pesha Pushka o"h"
Please do not read this publication in untzniyusdik places, before you daven, during chazaras hashatz, in the middle of leining, during shiur or seder, while operating heavy machinery, on the Internet, in the mikva, or while under the influence of da'as torah.
"This publication is not intended to be used as a guide to practical halacha. All halachic questions should be directed to your local ultra-orthodox halachic authority."
The Internet is assur.
-----
Addition:
Many years later, an internet forum sprang up which put into question the whole halacha of making one's bed and all its minhagim. Some said that making beds should be voluntary and not a halachic requirement. Others argued that it has to should have at least a ''din minhag'' and still others put into question the whole concept of minhag. On the other hand, some forum members claimed that making one's bed is even more important than davening in the morning. The forum's name was ''Atzor kan Choshvim''. As soon as some newcomers to Judaism saw those kinds of discussions in Atzor, they started reeling and calling names like ''Atzor kan Kofrim''. A journalist went as far as claiming that this forum was even more dangerous to Judaism, than pornography.
תוקן על ידי - רציו - 29/11/2004 11:20:19
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| נשלח ב-27/12/2004 21:46 |
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It Will Pass
A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!"
"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly.
A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!"
"It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly.
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| נשלח ב-27/12/2004 21:50 |
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A Jewish Landing
As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the Captain came on:
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt signs have been turned off."
"To those of you standing in the aisles, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah."
"To those who have remained in their seats, we wish you a Merry Christmas."
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