*Thanks to Sara for this one:
What is the difference between a non-Jewish woman and a Jewish woman?
A non-Jewish woman urges her husband to take Viagra.
A Jewish woman urges her husband to invest in Pfizer.
A man walks into shul with a dog.
The shammas runs up to him and says,"Pardon me, this is a House of Worship! You can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean?" says the man, "This is a Jewish dog. Look!"
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel around its neck, this dog has a tallis bag around his neck.
"Spot," says the man, "Daven!"
"Woof!" says the dog, stands up on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a keepa, and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog again, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis, and puts it around his neck.
"Woof, woof!" says the dog, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies; you could make a million dollars off of him!"
"Oy!" says the man, "You talk to him. He wants to be a doctor."
Two Jewish fellows are out for a walk when they pass a Catholic church. The sign out front says "Today Only, $1000.00 If You Convert!"
The two argue back and forth until they finally decide which one is going to go in and give it a try. He steps in the church while his friend waits outside.
The fellow is in there for hours with his buddy patiently waiting. Finally, he returns.
His friend says, "Well what happened? Did you convert? Did you get the money? Show me the money!"
The other fellow says, "Is that all you people think about?"
I just heard that a new Kosher Japanese restaurant is opening soon. It's called "So-Sue-Me."
The President turned to one of his advisors, who happened to be Jewish, and asked, "How come Jews are always so well informed?"
Advisor: "What do you mean sir?"
The President: "It just seems that Jews are always up on the latest news. How do they do it?"
Advisor: "An interesting observation. It could be because when Jews go to the synagogue to daven (pray), they always turn to the person sitting next to them and say "Nu?" (What's up?).
The President: "What? Is it that simple?"
Advisor: "I think so sir."
President: "Well, let's put it to the test. Take me to the nearest Synagogue."
The two board a limousine and are driven to the nearest Synagogue. Once inside, the President sits down among the congregation next to an elderly Jewish man. He looks around, then turns to the man and says softly, "Nu?"
The elderly man leans toward him and replies, "You know, I hear the President is going to daven with us today."
----- After 40 years, a Jewish mother finally got her citizenship papers and proudly registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to report for jury duty, and was not only selected for a jury but was elected the foreman. It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his wife's lover, but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four hours before returning. Everyone waited with bated breath as the judge asked Mother whether the jury had reached a verdict. Mother stood up, and firmly replied, "We have, your honor, we decided not to butt in."
A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "not too good. I've been very weak."
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy - who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!"
An impatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?"
Replied the mother; "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder.
"I am so obsessed with my mother. As soon as I go to sleep and start dreaming, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What's Jewish Alzheimer's Disease? A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
How do we know that Jesus was a typical Jewish boy?
#1- He lived at home till he was 30.
#2- He went into the same profession as his father.
#3- His mother thought he was God!
Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her Tea for the ladies. In her hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies.
"So Mrs. Rubenstein," she smiled, "have some cookies."
"No thank you," said Mrs. Rubenstein, "They're just delicious--but I already had four."
"You already had five," replied Mrs. Greenberg. "But who's counting?"
The resident pediatrican was making his rounds in the ward, trailed by six interns. "Sickle-cell anemia may be found in Black children, especially if their parents come from the Caribbean. Tay-Sachs syndrome occurs in adult Jews, of course; but Jewish children are more easily identified by one fact. Can anyone tell me what that is?"
"Certainly," said one intern. "Heartburn."
When two Jews argue they will have at least three opinions.
As you all probably know, Abraham the Patriarch (May he rest in Peace) argued with God! The most memorable time was probably the disagreement over the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah. Well, there was a lesser known discussion between God and Abraham. It had to do with the nature of the Covenant and the Ultimate reward of the Jewish People. It is said that Abraham asked God for clarification. The discussion ended something like this:
Abraham: "Okay God, let me see if I've got this straight. The Arabs get all the oil, and we get to cut the ends of our penises off!?!"
About two centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Papal States. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community; if the Jew won, the Jews could stay; if the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.
The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
VAY IS MIR!!! This isn't a Jewish joke, uh, but it is about a doctor! Hmmm? could be Jewish!
A Doctor dies and goes to heaven. At the gates of heaven, during his orientation, he informs the staff of his status. He also inquires about the accomodations:
Doctor: Where are the best living quarters in heaven?
Angel: This is heaven. Everyone is equal here. No place is better than another.
Doctor: Oh, alright.
The Doctor enters heaven. After a while he decides he wants to eat something. He returns to the Angel and asks where he can get some food. The Angel directs him to the end of a long cafeteria line.
Doctor: I am a Doctor, I'm not used to waiting in long lines like this!
Angel: This is heaven. Everyone is equal here. You must wait for your turn.
The Doctor agrees. He patiently waits in line. After a while he sees a man with white hair. The man has a white lab coat on, and is wearing a stethescope. The white haired man walks to the front of the cafeteria line, takes a tray, and begins to choose food items from the buffet. The Doctor is very upset. He runs back to tell the Angel.
Doctor: Did you see that! That Doctor just cut in front of the line and was served!
Angel: Calm down, calm down, that's no Doctor. That's God. He's just playing Doctor!
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to God!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to God. The Rabbi carries on a lengthy discussion.
After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, "Alright! The charges were 100,000 Lira."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a fistful of bills.
A few months later:
The Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns that it too is a direct line to God. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says, "1 Shekel 50!"
The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap!?!"
The Rabbi smiles and shrugs. "Local call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"
An Orthodox guy comes to visit his dad in the strict Home for the Torah Learned Aged on Ocean Avenue. But the old man cannot be found. Finally a good natured nurse points the concerned son to the cheap hotel across the street.
Son goes over, finds out at the desk which room his dad is at and goes up. When he knocks his father opens the door and there's a young woman in there with him.
The old man looks at his stunned son and says confidentially: "Don't worry, I don't eat here!"
The trustees of a synagogue were arguing about whether or not to stand during the Shema. Unable to resolve the argument they decided to go ask the oldest member of the congregation what used to be done in his time.
So they went to the nursing home and asked Mr. Katz. Katz started thinking: "So what did we do? What did we do?"
The men said to him after a while, "Please, Mr. Katz, you must remember. All we do now is argue"
"That's it, ARGUE, that's what we used to do too!"
A jewish mother is worrying day in and day out about her poor son, far away at college: "Oy-vey, will he ever find a nice girl?... will he have enough to eat?...will he be cold at night?" While worrying, she decides to buy and send him two warm flanell shirts.
A couple of months later he travels back to New York to see his mother. After many hours in a bus he arrives home before shabbat and thinks: "Wait, maybe I should wear one of the shirts she sent me! That will make her happy!" He puts on the shirt, rings the door bell and his mother opens the door.
"Brian!"
"Hi Mom!"
"Brian, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you even wear one of the shirts I sent you!"
"Uh, but tell me one thing. You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"
Moishe has an overwhelming desire to try pork. Of course he wouldn't dare try it in his own village, so he goes off to the big city, where he can be anonymous, and orders some at a fancy restaurant. Soon his order--a roast suckling pig complete with an apple in its mouth--is set before him. He's about to dig in when his local Rabbi, in town to buy some prayer books, spys him through the window and comes rushing in.
"Moishe", the Rabbi demands, "what are you doing!?!".
"Oh, Rabbi, I was famished! I came in and ordered an apple. Just see how they serve it here!"
A Martian landed in Jerusalem.
The people questioned him: "Are you really a Martian?" "Of course." "Do all Martians look like you?" "Of course." "Are you all green?" "Yes we are." "Do you all have those antennae coming out of your heads?" "Certainly." "And do you all wear those funny things on your heads?" "No. Not the Goyim!"
A jewish man seeing a psychatrist discusses a sex change operation. The following week the operation is completed and goes back to the psychatrist. The psychatrist asks him, "Is there anything you miss because of your sex change opertion". The patient replies, "I miss laying teffilan"
An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugs on the sleave of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?" (Understand Yiddish?)
The man answers: "Yes, Ich Farshtay." (I understand)
Elderly Lady: "Vot Time is It?"
Q: "How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a burned-out electric light bulb?"
A: None: "It's okay, I will sit here in the dark..."
Moishe is on his death bed. His wife Rivka comes in and asks if she can do anything for him.
Moishe: "There is one thing. Call a priest."
Rivka: "Darling, you're delirious. You mean a Rabbi"
Moishe: "I mean a priest. Why send the Rabbi out so late at night?"
The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside. His father is near death.
Father: "Son."
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is Mama making my favorite apple strudel?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just have one more piece of Mama's apple strudel. Would you get me a piece?"
Son: "OK, Dad." (Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
Father: "Is that you son?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: "Did you bring the apple strudel?"
Son: "No Dad."
Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!"
Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the strudel is for after the funeral!"
The first Jewish President is elected.
He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
She replies: "I don't know, what would I wear?"
Son: "Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."
Mama: "But I only eat kosher food!"
Son: "Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food."
Mama: "But how will I get there?"
Son: "I'll send a limo! just come mama!"
Mama: "Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible" "His brother's a doctor!"
The young Jewish boy was puzzled about how his family got the name "Ferguson."
His father said, "Ask Zaida, he will tell you."
The young boy's Zaida related this story:
My name was Psachia Rabinovitz and I had finally gotten out of the Old Country and was on my way to America! I was delighted, but I spoke no English.
I asked an English-speaking friend to help me pronounce my name in a more American-sounding form. That was so that when I was asked at the registration desk, I would be understood. The friend thought, and then told me that I could take the name of Philip. He added that the last name could be shortened to Rabin.
I was delighted! I would be Philip Rabin! I repeated this name over and over so I would not forget.
The boat docked. I and the others were directed to a place to check in at Ellis Island. At the registration desk, the official asked me for my name. I was mute at first. In all the confusion I had forgotten the name!
I blurted out in Yiddish, "Ich Shin Fergessen!" The immigration offical said aloud, "Ah yes, Shawn Ferguson!" And that is how I got my name!
A Syrian pilot, flying a 4-engine jet aircraft, was having engine trouble while speeding toward Damascus.
He radioed for help: "Syrian flight 8106, we have lost one engine, request landing instructions from any airport except in Israel!
Silence--no reply--as a second engine sputters out!
He radios again: "Syrian flight 8106, we have lost two engines, request landing instructions from any airport except in Israel!!
Silence--no reply--as a third engine sputters out!
He radios again: "Syrian flight 8106, we have lost three engines, request landing instructions from any airport except in Israel!!!
Silence--no reply--as the fourth engine fails!
He radios desperately: "Syrian flight 8106, we have lost all our engines, help! help! Any airport! Even in Israel!!!!
There is a reply: "This is Ben Gurion Airport."
The Syrian pilot answers: "Please, please, what are your instructions!"
Another reply: "This is Ben Gurion Airport. Repeat after me, 'Yisgadal, V'yiscadash, Sh'may Raboh....."
Josh and abe, not very religious men, are walking their dog by the temple on Saturday morning.
Josh says, "lets go in. I hear they have chopped liver at the Oneg Shabbat every Saturday."
Abe says, "they will never let us in with the dogs.. "
"Just follow my lead," says Josh.
Josh goes into the temple.
The Shammos says, "no dogs are allowed."
Josh says, "it's my seeing eye dog!"
The Shammos says, "ok, go ahead."
Abe follows.
Again the Shammos says, "no dogs are allowed."
Abe says, "it's my seeing eye dog!"
The Shammos asks Abe, "this is your seeing eye dog? A chihuahua!"
Abe looks startled and says, "is that what they gave me?"
A Jewish man passes by a pet shop and sees a parrot that costs $500. He asks why it costs so much and the salesman tells him the parrot speaks five languages.
"Five languages!" exclaims the man. "Does it speak Yiddish?"
"Sure," says the salesman.
The customer figures, his mom lives in the projects in the Bronx, all alone - he'll send her the parrot, it'll keep her company.
Pays the $500, has the store deliver the parrot to his mother, the next day he calls her up -
"Mom, how did you like the parrot I bought you?"
"Mmm, delicious!" she says.
"What do you mean delicious?"
"I made soup out of it, came out great!"
"But mom, this parrot spoke five languages!"
"So why didn't he say anything?"
A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks "so nu? How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God!"
A young Jewish man had just finished high school and wanted to go to college. He approached his father and said, "Dad, would you send me to college?" "Son," he replied, "You don't even know what's what! When you know what's what, I'll send you to college." His father then offerred his son a job in the family business--a furniture store. The boy--let's call him Sam--worked in his father's store for the next year. After the year was over he approached his father again. "Dad," he said, "I've worked for you for a year. Now will you send me to college?" His dad replied, "Son, you still don't know what's what! When you know what's what I'll send you to college!" Sam was dejected. He left and went to a bar to have a drink. At the bar he met an attractive young lady. They seemed to hit it off well. They both left and went to her apartment. After an hour of a little of this and a little of that on the sofa, the young lady said she was going to go to her bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. When she returned she was totally naked, except for a tiny belt around her waist. Sam looked at her in astonishment. Then he pointed to the belt and asked, "What's that?" The lady answered, "What's what?" Sam replied, "If I knew what's what I'd be in college!!!"
An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay in Amsterdam his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals where he could get his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the Jewish section of town. He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in the window. The American tourist entered the shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full beard.
TOURIST: Hello.
JEWISH MAN: Hello. ( was the reply, with a thick accent)
TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed.
JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel.
TOURIST: What's a Mohel?
JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions.
TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But why do you have all those clocks in the window?!
JEWISH MAN: What would you want me to have in my window?
A Rabbi, Priest, and Minister were discussing the beginning of life. the Priest told his colleagues that he believed life begins at conception. The Minister countered that life began during the first trimester. The Rabbi said he was certain that life really begins when children finish college and leave home.
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one.
"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, and not enough pollen."
"Got a great place for you to go. Fly down to the next corner and hang a left. There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee.
"Great!" says buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
A Rabbi and a Priest begin to poke fun at one another on a flight to Los Angeles.
Priest: Rabbi, I just thought I'd ask if sometime, someplace, you once ate some ham--just to see how it tasted?
Rabbi: Yes, I must confess. I was curious. I did eat some ham, but that was years ago.
Rabbi: Father, may I ask you a question?
Priest: Sure.
Rabbi: Well, Father, did you ever, uh--before you took your vows--have sex with any lovely young lady?
Priest: (After a pause) Uh, yes Rabbi, I have to say that I did.
Rabbi: Sure beats ham doesn't it?
How do you circumcise a whale? Well, first you need foreskin divers.
A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave.
He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!"
He then listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...hamotzi lechem min haaretz."
 |
|
|
