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| נשלח ב-26/2/2004 07:03 |
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40 Reasons You Know You
Work for a Jewish Organization
1.You spill your lunch all over yourself and your cubicle neighbors yell "MAZEL TOV."
2.There is a shamos box in the copy room.
3.People notice how many times per week you order in lunch, whom you order with, what exactly you're eating, and how much it cost.
4.The "director of human resources" tries to set you up on dates with 35 year old men who live in Fort Lee.
5.The soda-pop cans that are supposedly for every one in the organization are always under lock and key in a "special fridge."
6.You have to shout in Hebrew on the phone.
7.At least 4 people in your office are related to each other.
8. The only non-Jews around the place work in the accounting department.
9. No two employees have the exact same benefits plan.
10. Half the senior managers have masters degrees in Jewish Education and Jewish History. One person has a degree in business, but no one listens to him because he does not have smicha.
11.Microsoft spellcheck is useless because most words in memos are only vaguely reminiscent of English.
12. No one knows the difference between "its" and "it1s."
13. Every job deion is at least 10 years out of date. Or lost. Preferably, both.
14. Every employee carries the sales tax exempt number in his or her wallet. If an employee pays sales tax, it is reported to the Board for disciplinary action.
15. There is no Board secretary, because no one wanted the job. So Board members rotate and take turns in not writing up the minutes.
16. You get one day1s notice to prepare your department1s annual budget. (Only applies to very sophisticated operations; the rest do not, of course, have a budget.) Your budget is approved six months later, three months into the new fiscal year.
17. Except for administrative and clerical staff, everyone else gets paid on the basis of how much money they need. Or say they need. Or want.
18. There are many lengthy meetings, but no decisions are ever reached.
19. Men employed for the organization all (allegedly) have smicha and are considered professional staff. Women employed by the organization are considered support staff, but actually run the organization while the men run back and forth having meetings and looking busy.
20. It is commonplace and acceptable to refer to one1s workplace/employer/organization as "Chelm"!
21. Every lay leader you speak to mentions that they have a grandson who's single
22. Callers can listen to cheesy Israeli music while on hold.
23. Even the non-Jewish staff wish everyone a Shabbat Shalom
24. Everyone immediately checks the Holiday Calendar to see how many Jewish holidays fall on weekdays
25. One day someone is a security guard, the next day he has an office and an email is sent out welcoming the new "campaign associate."
26. You can leave your wallet out in plain sight and never have it stolen but
don't even think of leaving your lunch unattended
27. All inter-office emails end with Tizku L'Mitzvos
28. "Girl" is a term that refers to any female between the age of 2 and 65.
29.The allure of the office blood drive is the free lunch
30. Your high school schedule of early dismissal on short Fridays, short
short Fridays and Rosh Chodesh Fridays actually applies at work too.
31. You get questions at work like, "If food has a small OU, does that make
it less kosher than something with a big OU?"
32. Friday afternoon is eerily quiet after 1PM.
33. What's a Holiday Bonus?!?
34.You constantly see your coworkers socially, and not on purpose.
35.All office events are catered by the same kosher restaurant over and over again, until you never want to eat their food, smell their food or think about their food again.
36.You have off on Jewish Holidays, Legal Holidays, Christian Holidays, African Holidays, Canadian Holidays, Calendar Holidays...
37.You work with the vying champions of the "how many phone numbers can you fit on one post-it note" contest.
38.No two pieces of office furniture match.
39. Women who take maternity leave never come back
40. On Sukkos, there is a lulav and esrog in the conference room with a sheet on how to fulfil the mitzva
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 18:04 |
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Whos Rebbi Is The Best
Three Jews were all bragging about whos Rebbi is the best [sound
familiar?]The first Jew said my Rebbi's the best. One time it was
raining very hard and a flood began and we were all about to die so
my rebbi said 'water to the left,water to the right,' and the waters
split and we were all saved!The second jew said thats nothing! One
time we were all with our Rebbi in a building that caught fire and
there was no way out so the Rebbi said 'fire to the left, fire to
the right,' and we all walked out safely!The third Jew's laughing
histerically saying thats nothing! One time I was walking down the
street with my Rebbi on Shabbes and we saw a 100 dollar bill
laying
on the ground. So my Rebbi said 'Shabbes to the left, Shabbes to
the
right,' and he picked up the 100 bucks!!!
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 18:05 |
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The 7 Refrigerators
It might not be known by many outside of Israel but new
immigrants
can bring in normal household items duty free, but anything that
looks like it could be resold in Israel is supposed to be subject to
Israeli import duty.
Moshe Cohen, a new immigrant, arrived at the Port of Haifa to
claim
his household goods, which had just been landed by ship.
However, when he turned up, he was immediately called into the
Port
offices because the excise officer had noticed on the manifest that
Moshe had brought in seven refrigerators.
"Mr Cohen," said the officer, "one refrigerator is allowed duty
free, but certainly not seven of them."
Moshe replied, "But I'm very frum. I need one refrigerator just for
meat, one just for dairy, and one just for parve."
"OK," said the officer, "that makes three, but what about the other
four?"
"It's obvious," replied Moshe, "I need three for most of the year
and another three, for meat, dairy and parve, for Pesach."
"That only makes six," replied the officer," What's the seventh one
for?"
"So nu," replied Moshe, "What if I want to eat traif once in a
while?"
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 18:05 |
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XL
Ole decided to buy Lena a new car for her birthday.
They shopped and shopped. Finally, Lena found one she liked.
But before signing the papers, Lena looked at the car one more
time.
Suddenly, she bristled and walked away, saying she didn't want
the
car.
She wouldn't even talk about it.
On the way home, Ole said, "Vell, Lena, I tot yew liked dat car. Vat
changed yer mind about it?
"Ole, I yust don't vant any car vit XL on it," Lena answered.
"It's bad enuff having dat on my undervear."
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 18:06 |
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CUSTOMERS
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining
all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the
glass cases.
When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you
like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered,
cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that
cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran
muffin."
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 18:07 |
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BOOTS
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was
helping one of her kindergarten students put on
his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could
see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing,
the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had
worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the
little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It
wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it
was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool
as they worked together to get the boots back
on...this time on the right feet. He then
announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her
tongue rather than get right in his face and
scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. And, once again she struggled to help him
pull the ill-fitting boots off of his little
feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when
he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made
me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up the grace and courage she
had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where
are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the
toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.....
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 18:07 |
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The janitor
Bernard is not the brightest of men and is finding it very difficult to
find a job. But one day, he applies for and gets a job as a janitor at
the
local Catholic Church. They decide to give Bernard a trial run and
see
what it is like for a Jewish man to work in a church. Bernard works
very
hard indeed.
After a week, he is called into the office. "Bernard, things are
working
out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your
hands,
use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you
hang your
coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my
name is
Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 18:08 |
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Pesach in Hebrew School
A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father
asked,
"what did you learn today?"
He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of
Israel out
of Egypt."
"How?"
The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah
up. Then
while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards
the sea.
When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge
pontoon
bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge
while
the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell
us!"
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 18:08 |
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The Yekkie
A Yekkie was planning a train trip from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. He
called the travel agent weeks in advance specifying exactly where
in the
train he wanted to sit, and indicated quite clearly that he wanted his
seat to face in the same direction that the train was traveling.
On the day of the trip, he arrived at the station well in advance of
the departure time. All the arrangements were fine, except that his
seat
was facing in the wrong direction; opposite to the one that the train
was
traveling.
When he arrived in Jerusalem, he called the travel agent, angrily
complaining about the seat screw-up. After apologizing profusely,
the
agent asked him, "why didn't you ask the person who was sitting
opposite
you to switch seats?"
"I would have" was the reply, "except that the seat was empty."
NAMES
A client" walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard
that
question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All
the
children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll
need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest--he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an
eyebrow
but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all
named
Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here...Are
they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Mumma replied, "Well, yes--it make it easier. When it is time to
get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when
it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin'.
An'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead
and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come,
and
not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their
last
names."
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 18:29 |
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Something to try for those of use to who want cheaper gas prices
I hear we are going to hit close to $3.00 a gallon by the summer.
Want
gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent,
united
action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good idea: This makes
MUCH MORE
SENSE than the don't buy gas on a certain day campaign that was
going
around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed at that
because
they knew we wouldn't continue to hurt ourselves by refusing to buy
gas.
It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for
them. BUT,
whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can
really
work.
Please read it and join with us!
By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is
super
cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.77 for regular unleaded gas in
Riverwoods, IL. We all know that we're being screwed by the oil
companies.
Does everyone remember how they drove up the prices way past a
dollar and
got the gas prices to where they wanted them, claiming there was a
shortage of oil. Well, there isn't any shortage now, and the oil is
more
abundant than it was 35 years ago when the price of a gallon of
gas was 29
cents!!!
Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have
conditioned us to
think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50- $1.75, we
need
to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the
marketplace .... not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up
more
each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are
going to
see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the
pocketbook by
not purchasing their gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting
ourselves.
How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas.
But we
CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a
price
war.
Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY
gasoline
from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and
MOBIL. If
they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their
prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to
follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally
millions of
Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't
wimp out
on me at this point ... keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is
to
reach millions of people!!
I am sending this note to at least thirty people. If each of you send
it
to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) ... and those 300 send it to at
least
ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)... and so on, by the time the message reaches
the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION
consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten
friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes
one level further, you guessed it ..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!
Again, all You have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all (If you
don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is
send this to 10 people ... Well, let's face it, you just aren't a
mathematician.)
How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten
more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could
conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you I didn't
think you and I had that much potential, did you! Acting together we can
make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message
on. PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO
THE $1.30 OR LESS
RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN.
THIS CAN REALLY WORK!!!!!!!
PLEASE take a few minutes and pass this on to everyone you
know!! If you
can't e-mail it to at least ten people, please print out a bunch of
copies
and hand it out to your family and friends!!
NO MORE MOBIL & EXXON FOR ME!!!!
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| נשלח ב-2/3/2004 20:18 |
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You know you're a Vermonter when....
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the
highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Burlington for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit moose more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both
unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as: deer meat, beer, fish, and
berries.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to
use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the grocery store
at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter, because the potholes are filled with
snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and
construction.
17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item, even when you're
in a rush, because you have to stop and talk to everyone town.
18. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your
friends from Vermont!
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| נשלח ב-16/3/2004 21:30 |
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she thought a quarterback was a refund. .....she thought General Motors was in the army. .....at the bottom of an
application, where it says "sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. .....she sent a fax with a stamp on it. .....under "education" on a job
application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
.....she tripped over a cordless phone. .....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said "concentrate."
......she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk." .....she asked for a price check at the Everything For A Dollar Store. .....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
..she studied for a blood test. .....she sold her car for gas money.
..when she went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left," she turned around and went home
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved.
.....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. .....she thought if she spoke her mind,
she'd be speechless. .....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
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| נשלח ב-31/3/2004 21:26 |
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The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.
He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:
"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN
THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO
STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!!
TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS
GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you
yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replies: "This is to just show you what it feels like,
when I am driving and you sit next to me
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| נשלח ב-1/4/2004 08:09 |
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Vun day, Chaim vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a
brand new Chevrolet? It vas Moishe. Moishe pulled up to him vit a vide
smile.
"Moishe, vere did you get dat car?" Chaim asked.
"Rochel Goldberg gave it to me"
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"
"Vell, let me tell you vot happened. Ve vere driving out on county
road 6,in da middle of novere. Rochel pulled off da road into da woods.
She parked,got out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said
"Moishe take vatever you vant."... So I took da car"
"Moishe, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
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| נשלח ב-1/4/2004 08:10 |
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Vun day, Chaim vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a
brand new Chevrolet? It vas Moishe. Moishe pulled up to him vit a vide
smile.
"Moishe, vere did you get dat car?" Chaim asked.
"Rochel Goldberg gave it to me"
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"
"Vell, let me tell you vot happened. Ve vere driving out on county
road 6,in da middle of novere. Rochel pulled off da road into da woods.
She parked,got out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said
"Moishe take vatever you vant."... So I took da car"
"Moishe, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
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