|
|
| נשלח ב-1/4/2004 08:36 |
 |
| |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how
long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into
this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as
necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and
I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice
ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she
tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can
do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you
be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out
goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit
card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you
work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will
give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the
Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers
say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on
your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food
loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging
of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could
bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on,
Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...
louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
 |
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-2/5/2004 18:43 |
|
| |
פלסטיני פוגש את חברו היהודי ואומר:
"איזה דיכאון...
עכשיו תהיה לנו מדינה... מיסים,
ארנונה."
שואל היהודי: "מדוע אתה בוכה? אנחנו
סובלים חמישים שנה."
עונה הפלסטיני: "אבל אצלכם לפחות רואים
את הסוף..."
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-2/5/2004 18:48 |
|
| |
שאלה: מדוע החתן שובר את הכוס ביום
החתונה?
תשובה: כדי לסמן לאישה מה יקרה אם הוא
יהיה זה שישטוף כלים.
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-14/5/2004 18:33 |
|
| |
says
יא מזאגט אז מארגן גיט ארויסקימען א פסק אז אלע פרויען בגדים זענען שטנות בלי שום יוצא מן הכלל, מגייט מיזן גיין נ****
says:
מטעם בית דין יצא איסור על ח***** מצמר מחשש בשר וחלב
says
אייגענע האר איז גילוי ערוית, שייטלעך איז דאך עבודה זרה, אבער א טורבאן איז דאך שפיכת דמים
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-14/5/2004 21:20 |
|
| |
איינער איז אמאל געווען אין ווילעדניק אין ער האט אנגעכאפט דיקלאמקע איז איז אין ער איז נישט געהלפעןגעווארן האט אים זיין חבר געוויזעןס שטייט MADE IN USA
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-15/5/2004 00:45 |
|
| |
זוג מתאים תמצא רק בחנות נעליים
תוקן על ידי - גאסט - 15/05/2004 0:47:39
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-15/5/2004 00:49 |
|
| |
מען זאגט אז די רבנים זענען ארויף געקומען מיט א נייעם פראבלעם
ווען מ'גייט אין בית הכסא איז א שאלה פון דינען דעם בעל פעור. הגריחמפ"מ האט געפסקנט אז שב ואל תעשה עדיף....
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-15/5/2004 00:59 |
|
| |
א בילידגער וועג צו פארקען אין נו יארק
Park my Car
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the
loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank
would need some security for such a loan. The business man then
handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street
in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer
accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove
the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do
appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you
would bother to borrow $5,000?' The business man replied: 'Where
else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'
|
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-15/5/2004 01:14 |
|
| |
I was told just yesterday that the Roshei Yeshiva in Lakewood are prepared to rescind the 1,000-year old Cherem against multiple wives.
They will allow 2 wives, so that each Lakewood yungerman can have a two-income household!
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-16/5/2004 12:04 |
|
| |
Warning received:
All toilets are from china,
Made for "Baal pe'or".
Psak: Shev ve'al ta'aseh.
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-18/5/2004 22:11 |
|
| |
kim vasay
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-28/5/2004 23:13 |
|
| |
משוגע אחד הולך ברחוב עם שתי סיגריות
בפה.
פוגש אותו חברו ושואל: "למה יש לך שתי
סיגריות בפה?"
עונה המשוגע: "אחי נכנס לכלא, אז אני
מעשן בשבילו."
כעבור זמן רב רואה החבר את המשוגע עם
סיגריה אחת בפה.
אומר החבר: "מזל טוב! אני רואה שאחיך
יצא מהכלא!!!"
עונה המשוגע: "לא, אני הפסקתי לעשן".
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-2/6/2004 15:35 |
|
| |
צרפתי, מקסיקני והודי משתתפים בקורס לכתיבה באנגלית ומקבלים משימה - לכתוב סיפור קצר עם המילים:Green, Pink ,Yellow
חוזר הצרפתי למחרת ומספר:
Yesterday I drove my pink cadilac to a green football field and ate a yellow banana.
המקסיקני לא מתבלבל ומספר גם הוא:
Yesteday I had a green Tea in a yellow cup and ate a pink cake
לבסוף בא תורו של ההודי, והוא מספר:
Yesterday I came home and heard the phone green green. so I pink it up and said yellow.
קרדיט שרי10
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-2/6/2004 19:02 |
|
| |
There is a raffle at the local Jewish Community Centre and prizes are being drawn.
"4th prize, which goes to Hymie Himmelfarb, is a Rolls Royce." Huge applause. Hymie goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.
"3rd prize, which goes to Frank Myers, is a Rolls Royce and a cheque for £10,000." Huge applause. Frank goes up to collect his keys and cheque and shake hands.
"2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein, is a piece of fruit cake!" Ghastly silence. Abe goes up to the stage to the presenter.
"What do you mean, a piece of fruit cake? 4th prize was a Rolls Royce, 3rd prize was a Rolls Royce plus a cheque for £10,000, so what the hell do you mean a piece of fruit cake for the second prize?"
"Ah," says the presenter, "This is special fruit cake. It's made by the Rabbi's wife"
"F**k the Rabbi's wife" says Abe, hysterically.
"What? You want the 1st prize as well?" came the reply.
|
|
|
|
| נשלח ב-3/6/2004 06:58 |
|
| |
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
A truck driver was driving along on the highway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
***********************
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well quick, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
***********************
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
