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| נשלח ב-3/6/2004 07:06 |
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Confusing The Border Guards
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
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| נשלח ב-3/6/2004 07:44 |
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An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors
needed to store his blood in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had
a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to
a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had similar type of
blood. The Jew willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery,
the Arab sent the Jew as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Rolls,
diamonds, lapis lazuli jewellery, and a million US dollars.
Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.
His doctor
telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After
the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card and a jar of
Almond Roca sweets.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the
Jew's
kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him why he
had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner.
The Arab replied "Habibi, now I have Jewish blood".
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| נשלח ב-3/6/2004 07:45 |
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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs.
A truck driver was driving along on the highway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
***********************
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
"Get well quick, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
***********************
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one!"
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| נשלח ב-4/6/2004 02:27 |
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Subject: (no subject)
>
>
>
>
> You Mean WHAT?
>
>
> A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
> asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
>
>
> She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of
> the property with a stream running by."
>
>
> "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
>
>
> "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
>
>
> "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
>
>
> "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
> parents."
>
>
> He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
>
>
> "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
> needed one."
>
>
> "Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
>
>
> "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
> like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
>
>
> "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
>
>
> "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I
>do."
>
>
> Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
> divorce?"
>
>
> "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a
>divorce.
> My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
>
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| נשלח ב-24/6/2004 17:30 |
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According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5764.
According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4702.
That means that for 1,062 years, the Jews went without Chinese food
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| נשלח ב-1/7/2004 05:16 |
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Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together &
were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story
skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to
hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken
& they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to
get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony
of this unpleasant task by concentrating on some-
thing interesting.
I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for
the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories
for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim
began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing
& Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the
room key in the car!!!"
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| נשלח ב-1/7/2004 05:16 |
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One summer evening, a 3-year-old came in while his parents were
setting the
table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His
mother
said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."
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| נשלח ב-1/7/2004 05:28 |
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9-11 call
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of
breath. ...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.....
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an
asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having
trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
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| נשלח ב-1/7/2004 05:30 |
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The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the
Mediterranean sends out a MAYDAY message:
"This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one
engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER
than Israel!" No answer.
A while later he announces, "This is Syrian Air Force#174again.
We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the
Middle East OTHER than Israel!" Silence.
A short while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian Air
Force
# 174. We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an
urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle
East OTHER than Israel!" Still no answer. Finally the captain
calls out, "Help! This is Syrian Air Force # 174. We have only one
engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we
can
land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY
airport in the Middle East INCLUDING Israel!"
> Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:
> "Shalom
> Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We
> would
> like to help."
>
> "Allah be praised," says the Syrian pilot. "Please gives me
> instructions."
>
> "Do you speak Hebrew?"
>
> "No"
>
> "OK, then repeat after me: Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay
> Rahbah......"
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| נשלח ב-1/7/2004 05:33 |
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Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door
to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at
lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop
and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the
wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an
invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'.
So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had
not bought anything from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you
should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to
present their side of the case.
The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits
outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating
his. It is clear that we are providing added value to
his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for
it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have
to say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his
pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"
Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food
with the sound of my money."
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| נשלח ב-12/7/2004 05:23 |
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At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer
and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on
potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, it looks
like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade
General?" another
officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks,
"But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they
are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not
the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the
Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 300 million
Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks
the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews
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| נשלח ב-12/7/2004 05:27 |
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goy asked Reb Moshe: "Why do Jews always answer
with a question?
Reb Moshe: Why not? And Why do you want to know?
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| נשלח ב-12/7/2004 05:29 |
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A family just arrived in Canada as immigrants from Palestine. The first day the 10 years old kid, went to a school in Montreal, he was asked by the teacher to introduce himself He said :
-"I just arrived from Palestine, and my name is Ahmed.
"The teacher told him that this name doesn't properly fit with the newschool. She suggested changing his name to "Johnny" and the kid liked the new name.
When he went back home,his mother yelled :-"Ahmed, come and chat with me on your first day."The kid didn't answer...
His mother went to see why didn't he answer.He said: "My name is Johnny, not Ahmed anymore.
"Then his mother slapped him and left. The same story was repeated withies father. He didn't reply, thus he was slapped harder by his worried dad.
The second day when he went to the school, the teacher asked him :
-"What did you end up doing yesterday?" He said:
-"Can you believe it?
My first day as an immigrant in Canada, I was attacked by two Arab terrorists!
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