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| נשלח ב-20/7/2004 05:06 |
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In the Maramorosh section of Ukraine (formerly Hungary), a section
known for its megushimdige people, the old rabbi died and the town
hired a replacement rav. Two days after the new rabbi moved in,
one of the town people told his friends that he is going to the rabbi to
give him a taste of what this town is like.
The letz (funny megishem person) knocks on the rabbi's door. The
rabbi invites the person in, and asks him how can I help you? He
answers that he has 3 problems, and wants to discuss them
With the rabbi.
He starts with the first problem, lately he lost his ability to recognize
the taste of food, secondly he got in a very bad habit of lying, and
mamesh he can't get to say one true word, and finally lately his
memory is fading, in a half an hour he can forget everything.
The rabbi caught on that this guy is pulling his leg. He told him,
listen, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do to help you. < BR>The
rabbi told his wife to go to the barn, pick up a few pieces of goat
dropping, fry them with onions and spices, and it should look
Presentable.
In an hour the guy returns, the rabbi welcomes him in, asks him to
Sit down. He turns to the rebetzin, why don't you bring in some food
for our guest. The person takes a mouthful, spits it out and
Exclaims, "ouch, this is goat manure."
The rabbi tells him, pretty good,
#1 you do have a normal taste for food,
#2 you do speak the truth, it is goat manure
#3 you will remember me for longer than half an hour.
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| נשלח ב-29/7/2004 23:14 |
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I am in shape. Round is a shape.
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Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
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Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
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An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
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There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
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In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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I plan on living forever. So far, so good
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It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
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Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone
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| נשלח ב-13/8/2004 01:01 |
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The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong think out the window!"
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| נשלח ב-14/8/2004 01:48 |
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Fw: Funny brain cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but
we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston
Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
''! '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
just the one to do it," --A democratic congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager,
Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)
'''''''''''''''''''
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee
Iacocca
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"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP (damn he's smart)
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler,
FCC Chairman
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| נשלח ב-18/10/2004 22:42 |
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יעצט געהערט אויפן טעלעפאן.
וואס איז די חילוק צווישן די ארונים און פאלאסטינער?
די ארונים גייען אן בערד, די פאלאסטינער גייען מיט. 
וואס איז די חילוק צווישן ר' אהרן און סאדאם?
ביידע זענען אינדער ערד, און זיי שרייען איך בין מלך (מושל)
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| נשלח ב-18/10/2004 22:53 |
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ס'איז נישטא קיין חילוק צעווישן די זאלונים און די פאלאסטינער,
ביידע גייען מיט בערד,
ביידע האבן בלוטיגע הענט,
ביידע האבן א פארגעניגן צו שלאגן אידן,
ביידע שרייען אלץ אז זיי האבן געווינען,
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| נשלח ב-19/10/2004 18:44 |
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מעכל19 יפה דברת!!!!
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| נשלח ב-12/11/2004 05:57 |
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A little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests
get on.
After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does
everybody think that Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't
want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists
and says that he wants to test the theory and make a bet.
The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks
him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay
him $1,000- if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't
answer.
The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him
to prepare for the Sabbath
The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50.
The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one
condition: that he goes first.
The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following
question: "What kind of ani mal has the body of a Lion, the face of
a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on its
front legs and 5 webbed toes on its rear legs, swims under water and
flies in the air?"
The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks
if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but
after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands $1000
over to the Rabbi.
He then asks the Rabbi, "What kind of animal was it?"
The Rabbi says "How should I know"? and gives him $50.00.
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| נשלח ב-14/11/2004 05:00 |
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אימתי קאתי מר לכשיפוצו מעינותיך חוצה.
The Baal Shem Tov wrote to his brother-in-law, "When I reached the
palace of the Messiah, I asked him, 'When will you come, sir?'"...
: I was sitting on the F-Train Motzei Shabbos, coming back from Boro
Park, going back to Queens,
: My mother was a little worried when I called her and said I'll be
taking the train alone at night, so I rolled up my payess, like I do
on the weekdays, even though I don't know what difference it makes
with my bekeshe and biber hitt,
: My father said not to get too caught up in davening or learning or
something, that I should be alert, so between vayiten lecha and
hamavdil I looked around.
: Across from me, slightly to the left, were a group of sophisticated
twenty-something hipsters (gasp! a mixed group! since one of them was
female), talking politely of how they were going to "an awesome
party", looking like they'll have some fun, when one of their Ana"sh
gets on, and they tell him to come with them, to this awesome party,
in . . . WILLIAMSBURG.
: Obviously they weren't going to any of the awesome parties I go to
in Williamsburg, I thought,
: Next to them, to my right, was an Oriental woman (sorry, I forgot
we don't say that anymore, an Asian woman - I always like those old
books that call Sefardim 'Oriental', but I digress) reading a book,
entitled. . . CHERNOBYL.
: Its just curious to me, as a chassidishe bachur, how, on the F-
Train Motzei Shabbos, from Boro Park back to Queens, that to the left
of me is a Williamsburg with no Teitelbaums and to the right a
Chernobyl with no Twerskys.
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| נשלח ב-21/11/2004 07:28 |
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4 רופאים: אנגלי, גרמני, רוסי וישראלי נפגשו והחלו להתפאר בהישגים המדעיים של כל מדינה.
אמר האנגלי:
אצלנו בבריטניה הרפואה כל כך מתקדמת שאפשר להוציא כליה מאדם אחד להעביר לאדם אחר ותוך ששה שבועות החולה שהבריא כבר מחפש עבודה.
אמר הגרמני:
אצלנו בגרמניה הרפואה כל כך מתקדמת שאפשר להוציא ריאה מאדם אחד להעביר לאדם אחר ותוך ארבעה שבועות החולה שהבריא כבר מחפש עבודה.
אמר הרוסי:
אצלנו ברוסיה הרפואה כל כך מתקדמת שאפשר להוציא חצי מהלב מאדם אחד להעביר לאדם אחר ותוך שבועיים שניהם כבר מחפשים עבודה.
אמר הישראלי:
תעזבו..אתם עוד רחוקים מאד מאתנו. אצלנו המדע כל כך מתקדם שאפשר לקחת איכר שמן עם מוח מוגבל מאיזו חווה נידחת בנגב, לשים אותו במשרד ראש הממשלה, ועכשיו כבר חצי מדינה מחפשת עבודה. ...........
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| נשלח ב-29/12/2004 00:04 |
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As the catering staff are clearing up after Benjyג€™s barmitzvah party, they notice that one of the gold spoons is missing ג€'' and itג€™s the one from where Rabbi Bloom sat. So they tell the hosts, Moshe and Sadie, of the disappearance.
"Can you believe it, Sadie?" says Moshe, "But how can we call our Rabbi a gonif? Weג€™ll just have to keep quiet about it."
12 months later, whilst out buying bagels one Sunday morning, Moshe finds himself next to his Rabbi.
"Moshe, Iג€™m glad weג€™ve met," says Rabbi Bloom, "whatג€™s the problem, why have you been avoiding me?"
Moshe replies, "Now that you ask, Rabbi, Iג€™ve been avoiding you ever since we discovered one of our gold spoons missing from Benjyג€™s party."
Rabbi Bloom says, "But why didnג€™t you ask me about this. I put the spoon in Benjyג€™s tefillin bag. He obviously hasnג€™t opened it since his barmitzvah day."
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| נשלח ב-3/3/2005 13:59 |
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חלוקת הש"ס תשס"ה
ברכות - הרב עובדיה
פיאה - הרב אלישיב
שבת - האדמו"ר מגור
עירובין - ויליאמסבורג
פסחים - אלבוים
חגיגה - פוניבז'
בכורות - ויזניץ
אבות - סקוירא
נדרים - אייכלר
ראש השנה - אודסר
כריתות - בצרי
גיטין - תולדות אהרן
כלאים - תולדות אברהם יצחק
מכות - סאטמר
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| נשלח ב-13/3/2005 16:56 |
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באקומען אין אימעיל.
א בחור וואס וועט געכאפט ווערן הערן רעדיא, וועט כאפען א פראסק אז ער וועט פליען ביז קראקע
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| נשלח ב-31/3/2005 04:03 |
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yankel miller is vinching "arichas yumim" to "derleb" the machlokes in Belz
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| נשלח ב-31/3/2005 14:38 |
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 מצורף קובץThe picture is not doctored. It simply shows the result of
this great scam by a patriotic American. Most Syrians struggle
to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about English.
So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the
most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death
To Americans" slogans printed in English?
Answer:
They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to
translate and write their statements into English.
Unfortunately, they were unaware that the "civilian"
insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired
US Army sergeant. Obviously, pictures of the protest rally
never made their way through the Arab TV network, but the
results were "Priceless."
.jpg)
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