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| נשלח ב-6/6/2005 20:13 |
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Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy
this:
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to
the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a
Patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and
number?" Sarah Finkel, room 302."
I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station, How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment, let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing
very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine,
She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she
Continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at
noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's
wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close
family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."
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| נשלח ב-16/6/2005 02:09 |
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> YOU HAVE 2 COWS:
>
> 1.SOCIALISM:
> You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
>
> 2.COMMUNISM:
> You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
>
> 3.FASCISM:
> You have 2 cows, the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
>
> 4.NAZISM:
> You have 2 cows. The Government takes! both and shoots you.
>
> 5.BUREAUCRATISM:
> You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other
and
> throws the milk away...
>
> 6.TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
> You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and
> the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
>
> 7.AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of
> four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped
> dead.
>
> 8.A FRENCH CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
>
> 9.A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
> ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever
> cow
> cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
>
> 10.A GERMAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once
> a month, and milk themselves.
>
> 11.AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
> You break for lunch.
>
> 12.A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count
> them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you
> have 2 cows.
> You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
>
> 13.A SWISS CORPORATION:
> You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
> storing them.
>
> 14. A CHINESE CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
> employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported
> the numbers.
>
> 15.AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You worship them.
>
> 16.A BRITISH CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. Both are mad.
>
> 17. AN ANGOLAN CORPORATION:
> You have two cows. You eat both and claim! for donation.
>
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| נשלח ב-20/6/2005 21:24 |
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הA "Strange" Lawyer Tale
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a
lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inion would be confusing, for
passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the
stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a
man who was both honest and a lawyer."
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they
would be certain to remark: "That's Stra
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| נשלח ב-20/6/2005 21:26 |
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George Bush, while visiting England, had tea with the Queen. He asked
her what her leadership philosophy was.
She said that it was to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asked her how she knows they are intelligent.
"I ask them the right questions" she replied, and demonstrated by
phoning Tony Blair. On the speaker phone she asked, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question for me. Your mother has a child, your father has a child,
but this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responded, "It's me, madam."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir." The Queen hung up and asked the
President, "Did you get that, Mr. President?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home he decided he'd better put some friends to the test.
He called Dick Cheney first and said, "Hi, Dick, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Mr. President. What's on your mind?"
"Well, your mother has a child and your father has a child, but this
child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Cheney hemmed and hawed and finally asked if he could get back to him on
that.
Cheney hung up and immediately called members of his staff, who puzzled
over the question for several hours, but no answer.
Finally in desperation, Cheney called Colin Powell at the State Department and explained his problem. "Now look here, Colin. Your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answered immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot!" Much relieved, Cheney rushed to call Bush and exclaimed," I know the answer,sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
Bush replied in disgust. "You're wrong! t's Tony Blair!"
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| נשלח ב-7/7/2005 11:33 |
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The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the New Pope are in a
meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy
phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to God."
The Rabbi is skeptical...and the Pope notices. The Holy
Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, so indeed,
he is connected to God. The Rabbi holds a lengthy
discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says.
"Thank you very much. This is great! I want to pay for my
phone charges."
The Pope, of course, refuses. The Rabbi is steadfast and
finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on
the phone and says: "All right! The
charges are 100,000 lira." The Chief Rabbi gladly hands
over a packet of bills.
A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on an
official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a
phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct
line to God. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter
that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use
the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the
Pope chats away.
After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone
charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says:
"1 Shekel."
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
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| נשלח ב-9/9/2005 01:00 |
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If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBan k: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
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| נשלח ב-24/9/2005 00:59 |
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Gaza City AP
After relief groups successfully ended negotiations with the
U.S. about assistance for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, Palestinian
spokesperson for the Red Crescent Society, Farouk El-Farouk has confirmed
their
nation's participation in the relief effort.
It was confirmed that at 9:15 this-morning, 4 plane-loads of
volunteers from Gaza and the West Bank left Amman,
bound for New Orleans to help with the looting.
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| נשלח ב-9/10/2005 18:50 |
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily
briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian
soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in
hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is
a brazillion?"
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| נשלח ב-28/10/2005 13:37 |
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One Nation, "Under G-d"
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see G-d?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see G-d because he isn't there. He
just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!
(You Go Girl!)
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| נשלח ב-9/11/2005 01:05 |
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President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance
Broken News ^ | 11/4/05 | Shelby Trial
President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little pissants. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush. Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The least they stand out the better.
In an unrelated matter, President Bush told reporters that he was considering a "Flu for Oil" Program to ease our country's energy problem and prevent the upcoming pandemic. Nobody had a clue as to what the hell he was talking about.
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| נשלח ב-13/11/2005 07:28 |
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יעצט באקומען אין אימייל, זייער אינטרעסאנט
Dear tech support
Last year I upgraded from girlfriend 7.0 to wife, 1.0. I soon noticed, that the new program began an unexpected child proccessing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep wife 1.0 in the backgroud while atttempting to run any favorite application. I'm thinking about going back to girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on wife 1.0
Please help!
Thanx,
A troubled user.
REPLY..
Dear troubled user,
This is a very comon problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by it's creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0 It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
Look in your wife 1.0 manual under Warnings, Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the backgroud application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter commandC.-/APOLOGISE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, cook 1.5 and do bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs, Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5, Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.
WARNING!!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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| נשלח ב-19/12/2005 20:40 |
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HASIDIC JEW
A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Hasidic Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
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| נשלח ב-19/12/2005 20:53 |
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טובעין,
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